Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

There is absolutely no way this handsome man, who is willing to pursue women as he did with you, and who has a high sex drive has been surviving on one night stands for well over a decade.

He's lying to you about that.

He'll always lie to you. He is a liar. He is comfortable with lying.

Even if he does leave his wife now, it is not because you are so amazing, its because his kids are older and his wife has fulfilled her child rearing function so can be discarded. Is that really the sort of man you want?

You are being fantastically gullible. Please take a cold, clear look at this man and his behaviour.

Loads of people have relationship overlap. Loads. Often the later relationship works out. I know of lots of cases of this.

But this is different - he openly cheats, repeatedly, with lots of different people.

Yikes OP

He is a serial cheater. Over and over and over and over and over. When he cheats on you, all he needs to say to excuse it is "I was open about my lifestyle, so why are you upset?"

You cannot possibly be so naive as to think you can "tame" him.

How can you even be sure he hasn't had one night stands whilst he's been with you?

He can leave his wife and family, that's up to him. He can go and live in the new place he's found - also up to him. But don't tangle yourself up in that shit or invest your emotions in a future with him.

If you were born in 1976 and are now 47/48 years old, tell me what kind of support you expect from Mr Serial Cheat if you have a rough menopause. I mean, he will say he needs to get sex from one night stands if you are unavailable to worship his dick.

It's not even about his wife, although I feel terrible pity for her. It's about you! Why would you want to build a life with this douchebag who worships his dick and puts it before his wife and kids, always?

But regarding his wife, why would she have sex with him? She'd be exposing herself to STDs for a start. He's not "present" in the marriage, so again, why would she want to shag him?

He sounds like a really shitty human being.

Ok so we’re a bunch of nasty vipers because we’re not telling you what a poor ickle victim you are knowingly fucking a married man for a year and giving you a handhold. You’re not innocent - you knew exactly what you were getting into but hey it’s worth helping screw over another woman as long as you’re getting a good seeing to from a serial cheating scumbag eh

But crack on - you two sound like you deserve each other. I just hope his wife and kids who are the real innocent victims here take him to the fucking cleaners

if he is just fun for sex but he'd be a rubbish/boring day to day partner, then just move on and find another friend with benefits.

you feel guilty now, you'll feel even worse if he left his wife and then you dumped him (he may well feel he should leave anyway but thats another debate)

i do know some affairs that worked out, they have now been married 10 or so years. So it can work, but both have to actually want it to work, not just a fun shag.

Absolutely this 👏👏👏

Classic police behaviour !!!

Why so many partners stand by these people are beyond me 🤷‍♀️

And the absolutely irony of people in the police fcking around lying daily, having the potential to inflict massive amount of emotional harm to their families being responsible to sit in judgment of the rest of society.

Cheating ALWAYS comes with some form of abuse to the person being cheated on.

Be it sexual with the removal of their ability to give informed sexual consent. Or gaslighting, financial abuse hiding family money to spend on your shag partner.

The list is endless.

So yeah your now engaging in an affair with someone happy to abuse his wife for years.

Me too.

I would wager she cannot get a single guy who is this outward calibre, good looking etc. A married one will go with someone as an affair that he wouldn’t marry or be in a relationship with. She is just a casual thing and one of many. She’s been flattered but the real flattery should be if a gorgeous guy who isn’t married is seriously interested in you.

People always think the other woman must really want the bloke to leave his wife - they don't always. OP says she doesn't love him and doesn't see a future with him.

Sometimes it's the unavailability that's the draw - don't have to be all in, or commit to the guy, or progress it into living together/domesticity. I can see how a married man can be emotionally safer in a way.

I think you can do a lot better than this man and this current situation. See a therapist and realise that you deserve to be someone's partner, not their bit on the side. And be realistic about the fact that you are unlikely to be happy with this man given the way he has treated his wife. Cheating on someone is emotionally abusive. You have found another bad man, not a good one. There are good ones out there.

Baffles me why any one would mess with a married man or woman.
I wonder if it was a man posting this would he get such supported advice NO he would be shredded instead.
Or if it was ops other half and she found out he was having an affair she would be told to leave asap hes scum etc etc.

My mother had a 6 months affair and when the wife found out it tore that womans world apart.
Mum soon found out he was lieing to her about his wife and pretty much everything else he said.
turned out he had 3 women on the go.

And this makes the other woman less disgusting how?

Funny how they all have these awful relationships with women who don't meet their needs. Maybe if they were better husbands they would be more fulfilled at home🤔A man or woman willing to have an affair is a walking red flag. Work on yourself and ditch this excuse of a man

Chicken an egg really that counts. From his pov, his wife stopped sleeping with him after DC's, used as some sort of justification. But if he cheated prior to that ( and you did say throughout their marriage) then from her pov it's understandable that his infidelity would put her off.
If he's done it so much, and lots of people know, it's a fair bet his DW knows, so understandable she doesn't want him in that way. Question is, why did you still want him after what you know? A man tells you though married, he has lots of ONS, and that does not put you off being next. Developed any feelings in the last year? Chances are you'll get hurt, seeing is believing so take all he says with a pinch of salt. Don't expect him to carry out his plans of leaving until they happen it's just fanciful ideas.
Somewhere in all this should be what you actually want for your life. It looks like once with a man you stop all plans and just go with however they decide things will go. So, are you really as fine about him leaving is wife as not leaving his wife? Have you encouraged him one way or the other to decide what to do? Have you been pushing for more, or is this all driven by you, and is a life with him in the future always looking over your shoulder, what you want?
I think stand back from his decisions, make your own up, whether that's him or not long term. What you want should be independent of what he wants. If your long term plan is to find someone to settle down with, you've wasted the year and delay reaching that, the longer you are with him. If you're not in a rush to find a happy relationship, you could keep him in a casual sense, but know he is poor quality as a prospective partner.

I don’t think you are a home-wrecker at all - this is all on him. Despite that, his wife might be oblivious and is going to be terribly hurt. As are his children. He is not a nice man. He made vows to this person, which he has broken. He is not an honourable man. He goes home and plays happy families every day. He is a lying man. Do you really want to be tagged up in all his drama and hurt? You sound like a good person. Perhaps a vulnerable, sensitive and maybe lonely person. You are worth more than this and imo you should walk away.

Jesus @shitshow1976 come on. You are a fully grown adult woman with money, of course you suspect he knows about the money, what are you doing? I mean, you can't even be seeking validation that you are better than his wife because you are just one of many!
Look, how hard did you work to overcome your dv relationship? Just to latch on to this fella?
I know I don't need to tell you that unfortunately, a large amount of policemen are some of the most heinous domestic abusers? I'm sure you are also aware that a man who is a demon in his own home can be charm personified outside of it? I can only imagine what his poor wife has had to endure.
You are part of that. You. He lies, manipulates, because all cheaters manipulate and gaslight, and you are a part of it. Please, don't spout on his behalf. You are a woman who has been through hell, who is about to walk into it again. Methinks if you and him are still a thing when/if he seperates from his wife, then you are about to see the real him. The house demon. Especially if you suspect he has eyes on your money.
You need to wise up. Men are not the be-all and end-all. Their word is not gospel. I know from what little you have written that he has the potential to be a nightmare when you end it with him. Think smart and good luck getting out of it in one piece.

So why do something so immoral and go after a married bloke and contribute to wrecking a family if the OP isn't wanting anything else.
Surely she'd go for someone available, if it was just a shag?

Or maybe she isn't getting anywhere with single men..

Still, no excuse.

How is she not a home wrecker?

She's opening her legs to a bloke she knows IS MARRIED, and has children with serious medical conditions.

She even has the nerve to pull the 'I feel so guilty' with her faux concern.
She's not concerned when she's lying on her back pulling her pants down, is she.

She absolutely is a home wrecker. Any woman going after a married man with children is a home wrecker. Any man or woman cheating on their spouse especially with children, is a home wrecker.

They both deserve each other.
Proper bottom of the barrel behaviour.
The WIFE and the CHILDREN deserve a whole lot more. Worlds and worlds more.

Only home wreckers have sympathy for home wreckers.

He WILL cheat on you

Please stop saying you feel sorry for his wife.
You don't.
You're fucking her husband, the father of her children.

Well said we finally have a Mnetter thats NOT too faced.
It not just on him its on her as well there both home wreckers and both know what their doing.
If this was a about a man he would be ripped up.
But its MN a lot of 2faced posters.