Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

Sounds like my ex husband.. although he was divorced and single when l met him.
I was his second wife.. he had 9 affairs ( that l found out about after we split while with me..) he's now onto his 7th wife.. promised each one the same thing.
Once a cheat IMO.
Always a cheat.

@shitshow1976

You are not a home wrecker. His decision how to live his life and live in his marriage.

You seem sensible and rational. He is a FWB for now and you are dating others.
And you have a bit of companionship and regular great sex - which is a rare find.
No boat needs to be shaken atm.

If he does eventually divorce - then you can decide what you do.

A sensible and rational person would not shag a married man, with a wife, and children with additional health needs.

Ignoring the morality of the situation he may well leave his wife but, IF he does make no promises.
Do let him just move into your place ( from one best to the next ) but let him deal with his separation himself. If he's cheated for years somethings not been quite right in their marriage for a long time.
Once he's single, just carry on the dating as it is now or you'll become Wife 2 and nothing kills the limerance as quickly as having a man on the sofa waiting for his dinner.
Wait for the limerance to fade ( usually 24hr the) and see how you feel. Once he's separated the dynamic maychange between you quite quickly .
And I agree that he's the home wrecker in this as whilst his sex life / attention is away from home, his wife just gets the crap in the relationship

Ok, I will admit that this last post has got me thinking and I will admit now that you raise very valid points.

I think I may have downplayed too much the responsibility of the OP when initiating the affair.

However, I think that in a way she is a victim too. This man seems to be a conniving manipulator as he has managed to persuade several women to have sex with him even though they knew she was married.

Why do you keep blathering on about how guilty and poorly you feel about his wife? Do you really think we are that stupid? You couldn't give a single fuck about his wife or kids. Just be honest, FGS.

The chances of this completely fucking up your life are extremely high and you know that, why would you take that risk when you have done so well to get out of a dv situation already? He will fuck you over eventually and then you’ll know what his wife went through.

This guy has a wife and dc who are more than likely completely oblivious to all of this. I doubt very much his wife knows.

If you do start a life with him remember there are kids involved and they will most very likely hate you for it. My dsis had an affair and although they are still together many years later (yes, it can work out for some people but it’s far from easy), the kids are now completely fucked up young adults and it was all because their father had an affair. Are you prepared to accept that you could potentially be involved in wrecking a couple of young lives?

Walking away from this narcissistic arsehole would be the best favour you could ever do for yourself.

A fwiw, I can’t see how you can really feel for his dw.

I think you need to be honest. If you don’t love him as soon as he said he will leave his wife by didn’t you tell him you don’t love him and it’s just sex?

You don’t feel guilty at all. Because if you did you wouldn’t be doing it. You certainly wouldn’t be playing along with the plans he is making.

His wife may not know he is sleeping around. But she is going to know he fucked off and left her. His kids are going to know dad fucked off with another woman.

and how are you feeling about playing at mum to his kids, do you even want to take that on? Especially if the kids are old enough to know what’s going on. That situation will just make your relationship with them even harder.

Honestly, I was once getting close to a man I worked with and he was married. When I thought about how it would work long term it just wasn’t worth it. His ex wife’s life will (temporarily) implode, so will his kids, I would have to have involvement with the kids, I have never wanted to be a step parent, his kids will probably dislike me at least for while. There’s loads of pressure to make it work, even if I end up not happy.

Risking all the pain, stress, upset and pressure . And for what?

Come off it! She wasn't manipulated in the slightest. She's responsible for her own actions.

I had an affair and so did my DP in our previous marriages. What you need to establish is the reason he cheated..was it because he wasn't getting affection and intimacy from his marriage or simply because he craves novelty and the fun of the deception. I do believe people either cheat because of the situation and wouldn't otherwise, or it's more of a hobby/character trait.

You need to both be able to have an open conversation about this, and go into this with your eyes open.

Also make sure there's a timeline for him leaving his wife and he sticks to it or you are off

We don't have a transcript of all the conversations between them two but in many occasions cheating husbands operate in a very similar fashion as a con artist. Would you say that scam victim is responsible for being deceived?

Exactly!

Own your disgusting actions OP, don't harp on about guilt or sympathy. You made your bed (literally..)

If you don't love him OP, why are you bothered if he leaves his wife for you or not?

How has she been deceived?

Struggling to keep up.

Thirtythrillion. His Home was wrecked well before I came along.
Our colleagues have a good idea. They're also aware of his long previous history of his multiple one nigh stands.

Farnhamgal is your husband a Cop?

he wanted a regular supply from me

😄

How come you're posting his occupation and his child's private medical information?

'He asked to meet me for sex'
<Swoon>

Agree. She said herself that she didn’t have sex with him he’d move on to someone else so it’s a conscious choice she made and she knew what she was doing.

This isn’t a drunken one off error of judgement, it’s a year long affair which is making a deliberate choice to involve herself in his deceit.

She openly admits that he is respectful towards his wife which is a blatantly obvious that is not the case.

It takes a certain type of person to pull the wool over the eyes in such a grandiose way. That is why I think she is the victim.

I wouldn’t move straight in with him. How old are his kids? They will probably hate you, if he has been cheerfully living at home with his wife whilst having his end away elsewhere and she is turning a blind eye.

Do you really want that mess in your life, long term? It sounds awful to me.

Why does anyone have to be the victim, from the post it appears the wife is aware he seeks sex elsewhere anyway.

Exactly. When I was married there was an attractive woman I worked with who made it clear she was interested in me. Were I single she would have been ideal for me and, at the time, me and my wife were in a bad way, but I never once entertained the idea. Why? Because self-control is the easiest bloody thing in the world. People need to stop infantalising women in this situation.

I know!

Also gross. Imagine if this poor woman found out her husbands affair side piece is talking about her own children's private medical conditions online.

You really are something else OP.

@YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear

Of course OP is rational. She is not dreaming of some fairytale. She is not imagining some romantic future. Etc.

OP wasn’t expecting to date the guy. And if it wasn’t with her - the man in question would be having his random encounters with other women or find some other ‘regular’

This sort of arrangement is nothing new and is quite common. Many marriages stay together past their natural life because of kids needs, or just inertia.

I read this differently— OP is anxious about the coming moment when he might leave his wife as she can see he might be about to ‘frame’ her for it, as it were