Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

You're just another fud .. till the next one.
I'd lay money he's still having sex with his wife.

My ex husband had a long term affair. I found out about it. The things he told her were classic and very similar to what this man has said to you. The thing is it was lies. He even told her I had mental health difficulties and would harm myself if he ended things with me. He had absolutely no intention of leaving me though, and when push came to shove and I found out about the affair, he was lying on the floor sobbing like a baby begging me not to make him leave.
I did though, not then, but the next time he had an affair, as he did, of course, have another one very soon after.

Weirdly, although initially I was absolutely livid with the first woman, i ended up meeting her for coffee to find out exactly what he had done and said. In the end, I realised she had been entirely manipulated and lied to by him. We are now on good terms and keep in touch. I have no anger towards her, she was having a picture painted to her of this loveless marriage with a volatile unstable woman and that was absolutely not the case. He was the married one, he was the one in the wrong.

My parents separated when I was 17 because my Dad had been having an affair for years and years. They got together shortly after my Mum left and had many very happy years together. She cared for him when he became paralysed after a stroke and nursed him when he developed cancer. She and I have a great relationship despite the fact she was the "other woman" in my parents marriage and she's always been an awesome step "nanny" to my daughter.
She and my Mum are friends now too. When my mum visits from abroad where she lives, they meet for lunch and send eachother Christmas and birthday cards.

It's not always black and white, life is so complex and too short to hold on to anger towards people. Whatever happens OP, be kind to yourself because some of the comments towards you on here have been extreme.

A friend of mine was in this position. The guy she was with was married with kids and he said he was going to leave them to be with her but the timing needed to be right. They continued meeting, going out on dates and having sex and it got to the point where my friend said enough is enough. She told him she wouldn't meet him again until after he'd left his family unit. Did it happen after all the promises and I love you over a 2 year period? No. Simple fact was, he wanted his cake and eat it. Be careful. He might be promising you the world but won't deliver then as time goes on you'll stay with him regardless because of how he makes you feel. He might mean what he says, but you need to find out when he plans on leaving, get him to stick to it and if it doesn't happen, really question it even if he does seem genuine in his excuses. Affairs are never good. I'm sure you're a lovely person who can find a man of your own.

"I really like him as a person. He's everything I would want in a partner but not sure I could ever love someone with so few morals......".............THIS. I'm afraid he'll do the same to you and you won't be able to live with the guilt. I would get out now, he's not nice.

Is that the way his wife will lose him too? The way she 'got him'?

Honestly, the cliches are just meaningless and without a point.

Married people shouldn't cheat, full stop. That said, it's not any woman's job to keep your grubby husbands faithful to you (general). That is their job, full stop.

He cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout 20 years of marriage. Of course you can't trust him! Why would you be any better than his wife who he has nothing bad to say about and is a wonderful mother to his disabled children.
I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat. I do think people can work through one infidelity and change but this man is a serial cheat and I don't believe he would ever be faithful to anyone.

Yeah they are meaningless clichés.

You know what isn't meaningless though, living a life that you do your best not to cause others harm.

It's highly unlikely she would walk up and punch his wife in the face. Not because she didn't take vows to her, or pledge faithfulness. It's because society judges the use of violence as wrong.

And yet this situation has the potential to cause much damage and harm.

Honestly you have the bar of decent behaviour low as hell.

Your talking about misogyny. If her shag partner isn't a perfect example of a misogynistic piece of shit. I dont know what is.

His contempt for his wife is appalling. You can be sure the imbalance in their relationship is all in his favour with a special needs child and cheating for 20 years.

But of course none of that matter because well the sex is good. 🤮

People have affairs because there is something missing in them, not missing in the relationship. If the relationship isn’t working, you fix it or leave. Only a dysfunctional and morally bankrupt person cheats.

Nah he doesn’t.

Oh dear - you've become one of the many women this man has cheated on with over the years, degrading yourself in the process. No wonder the guy is good at sex - he's had a lot of practice. Why, why, why do women in your situation think that they are the exception to every rule. Not like the wife or the women who make up the countless one-night-stands and other affairs. You alone are special and different. No, no, no. You're a notch on a bed - always were, always will be. How can you not know that?

This - 100%. Please raise the bar for yourself....

I feel very strongly about cheating scumbag men and the lies women tell themselves to facilitate them. Yes the men are repulsive but it takes two to tango and if the OW knows he’s married they’re just as low.

My long term work colleague discovers her husband was cheating on her with a mutual friend. We will never know the full story but the wife committed suicide and left a note saying she couldn’t deal with the humiliation of him shagging someone behind her back. Obviously gave the OW the usual script of not having sec with his wife it’s over in all but name etc - funny that when they found the wife’s body in the garage she was 8 weeks pregnant!

He ended up marrying the OW and guess what? He cheated on her within months and they didn’t even make their first anniversary

Wise up OP.

That’s a horrifically tragic story @SamW98 it must’ve felt like a double betrayal. Not only your partner but your friend betraying you. I can only imagine how humiliated she felt wondering how her social circle would react and who already knew. I don’t condone getting into affairs with married men at all but I’m especially grossed out that people can do it with their friends husbands. I mean really? 😵‍💫

I’m a bit shocked he went on to marry the OW though. You’d think they both would have been overcome with guilt and broken it off after her suicide. Glad to hear it didn’t last though.

Where do you have The Sex 🤔
Sorry if you have answered already, on the App and can't see your updates only.

@SamW98 a double betrayal like that is too much for some. Seem the poor woman died for a senseless. Short lived fling and the husband and friend felt no sense of guilt 💔

The OW was about 15 years his junior 🙄 she was early 20’s he was late 30’s. The whole thing was sleazy.
He cheated on the OW within months that she found out about and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just that time, he just got caught. So he had no guilt or shame. Totally morally bankrupt

@Dadjoke007 ple ultimately have affairs as something is missing in their marriage

Not always true. Some cheat simply because they want to, for the thrill of a new body, even while feeling completely happy in their marriage. Some are compulsive about it, like they need to prove they've "still got it".

Oh god, are you/he Police? Yikes. Definitely a shagger then. So many stories I could tell ...

He makes you feel safe (physically?) but you can't trust him (emotionally). Hmmm.

I think you should seek some counselling for yourself to build up your self esteem after previous DV so you can avoid the morally bankrupt ones like this chap.

seventh wife?
7?

Fucking hell. That's insane that anyone would even look at him now.

Hes told me numerous times he's been ready to leave for a long long time but has found excuses to stay and support his kids.

He wasn't just staying to support his kids, and that will be evident when he moves out and sees them the bare minimum and leaves everything up to his ex.

the sex is a big thing for him. Massive sex drive. States his wife stopped sleeping with him after the kids were born hence all the one night stands

If she did stop having sex with him it was probably because he was a sex pest

As much as I like him I don't love him and he knows this

You'd be insane to think of a relationship with him especially when you don't even love him, if you ignore all of those red flags when you simply like him, what red flags will you ignore if you loved him?

Our colleagues have a good idea. They're also aware of his long previous history of his multiple one nigh stands.

Would you not be mortified by this? Everyone will think that you're an idiot and they'll probably all know when he cheats on you also.

The last bit, your colleague's have a fair idea have you no self respect, your colleagues will have you down as a silly cunt falling for boyos shit.