Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!

Get the fuck back to work - he's not supporting you

edit: do you not feel you are contributing by looking after your child?

Why do you have £10k debt but he doesn't on a house you both own? Are you both on the deeds?

If I was trying to take his perspective I'd think going you making decisions like going into debt to go to hairdressing appointments is probably why he hasn't told you he's putting money into an account, so that you don't veto it and redirect the money to living expenses.

That doesn't make it ok but it sounds like you have differing attitudes to living expenses and debt and so he's keeping his finances separate.

Since you're looking after his child and have sacrificed career and everything else for that he should be sharing his money with you.

Isn't the whole point of having separate finances and being unmarried is so the person with the bigger pile of cash and assets can keep it to themselves? Isn't that the point of the exercise?

(I don't know. I am just asking having never been in that situation.)

It doesn't sound to me like a partnership at all in the sense of a loving supportive emotional partnership.
It just sounds so clinical. I don't understand why it's a good idea to bring children into this type of relationship.
This just a purely personal point of of course. I know a lot of people think finances should be split but to me they should pooled for the good of both partners and the children.

Ask if he could afford to pay off your debt since it's costing money and you're skint. He should really have offered if he has the money, if he says he can't I would not be happy. And/or say you need him to pay you a bit each month because you can't work as much as you used to because of DC and you're fed up with being skint all the time.

Does he know about the debt?

Im only having one child so really want to spend time with him before his start school in September 2025 (but I'll still only be able to work school hours then)
Definitely feel I contributed fully with parenting and house duties, but don't always feel like it's seen as that way! Think that's just normal parents thinking though!!

I had been saving for a house and needed extra toward the deposit... it was in a real mess, that's how I afforded it and my partner helped with the renovation costs as his contribution!
Yes I agree we are different in our spending habits, he's very much a saver! Although not sure this is by choice, I've never been a big earner or in a position where I have had the opportunity to save!

@Grendell Yes definitely at first but once you have kids and have to rely on each other then it changes the dynamics!!

So, not married ?
and your pension contributions are now minimal?

never rely on a man, always have financial independence.
this can be gained by being married before you have your baby

Is he on the deeds of your house?

@Bumblebeeinatree he is well aware of the debt and I think he would have helped if he wanted to, I do think he feels he contributed enough as it is!! I used to be very self sufficient so I would never ask for money, especially as I know he clearly doesn't want too help!!

Why, why, why do women put themselves in this position?!? In a family with children everything needs to be pooled and shared. The only reason your partner gets to have a full time job, a nice house, being a dad, etc, is because you are making all the sacrifices and him none. It's insane you have to scrimp and save for a haircut and be in debt while he is saving that much. You are making your life miserable and leaving yourself and you son very vulnerable.

So what's his is his and what's yours is part his too? Is that right? He has "his"house and a claim on yours? Is his name on the deeds of the house you share?

Who pays what towards each mortgage on these houses?

When you went back to work part time did you not discuss that he would need to "put more in the pot" for you all as a family on the family home? Are you still contributing the same amount to living costs as you were when you worked full time??

You need to work full time and your partner pay half of the childcare costs.

@category12 The house is in my name.

I have a secret savings account too, my DH has no idea I have it. It's my security should the shit hit the fan one day.

Tell him that he need to contribute with more money and don't go in debt for monthly stuff. That makes no sense for me with a partner who manages to save 1000 pounds a month.
Make a new arrangement that suit you both and the kid.

"I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out..."

What do you mean it's half his house?

So it's not half his house. It's your house.

If you're the only person on the deeds, then it's 100% your house and 0% his house.

Create your own secret savings account. Say you need him to put more money into the general pot since you're doing the lion's share of the child rearing and therefore can't work normal hours and then start saving yourself.

He’s a single guy shacking up with the mother of his child. Nice and cheap and no doubt very domestically cosy for him. Not equitable in any way. You need a plan. Maybe legal advice too.

@Iamawomenphenominally His house is rented out and pays for itself, he does contribute towards the shared houses bills! I have about £300 left each month, doesn't go far, especially when I just paid the house insurance with it and have £71 left for the rest of the month!! 🤦🏼‍♀️
We didn't really discuss it other than it'll work its self out!!
I could and should ask for more but feel it isn't going to go down well..

Sounds like a “respectable” mean-spirited cocklodger. I’d kick him out and make new plans.

"Im only having one child so really want to spend time with him before his start school in September 2025 (but I'll still only be able to work school hours then)"

Why? You. Any afford to stay off work and you're actually going to let this man save £1k a month while you struggle and work term time only? Then give him half of your house? He must be fucking pissing himself