Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

I discovered my family allowance was paying my NI when I wasn't working.

You need to check you state pension entitlement on gov.gateway.

it will tell you how many years you have paid in, how many more years you need to pay in and how long you have to do this before you are 68, or retirement age.
not worth buying back the years if you have long enough to pay the necessa Qualifying years

and agree you should be paying proportional to your incomes.

Although this sounds fair on the surface it isn't.
The woman often takes a financial hit through maternity leave, reducing their hours, smaller pension, lost promotion opportunities etc.
They then end up earning less than if they had stayed in full time work whilst their partner is able to progress in their career as someone else is shouldering the burden of childcare, household chores and general shitwork. This approach favours the high earner and puts more value on working out of the home.
If my partner earns 3.5k & I earn 1.5k. We both contribute 50% then I end up with £750 disposable income & he gets £1750, so £1k more than me?! Fuck that!
When you have kids it's a partnership. You are a unit. No one should end up with a big fat pot of cash whilst the other scrimps. My husband is only able to earn his big fat salary because I facilitate it by taking care of everything outside work. No way would I accept less than 50/50. Please don't sleepwalk into this people!

One of the ways to get your state pension record is to claim Child Benefit. Is CB in your name? I think one needs to work for 35 years in order to qualify for full state pension (or at least claim CB for some of these years). Your can request your pension forecast from HM Revenue and Customs. It sounds you are still quite young. You should be able to accumulate 35 years without paying extra like your mum did

My partner is working away so I wanted to give him a chance to consider "our" situation and how I'd like us to proceed in a fairer way.... he said we would discuss it when he's back but we also need to discuss his claim on the house too as he has no security and he's invested so much into it..
just feel this situation is going from bad to worse!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

My feeling is that this man knows fine well that he understands these matters better than you do and that means he can easily stitch you up because he's always several steps ahead of you OP
It feels like he had anticipated you raising the question of fairness and he had something ready to counter this i.e mentioning that he's invested in your property. In other words I think it all looks like as planned strategy on his part.
Edit
I would start taking careful notes from now on (but make sure he can't find them like you did his secret savings account- and obviously don't mention that you know about that)

How much of the 70k had he put away before you had a child?

does he pay anything towards the running of the house? rent/mortgage, food, electriciry, gas, council tax etc?

How was the house valued when he put 40k into it?

I don't think its unreasonable he wants to talk about his investment in your house. You can't expect him to give you 40k and walk away from it surely?

If he chucked in 40k to a house he has no rights on. I think that's generous of him

Yeah but he's living in her house while renting out his own house, presumably she isn't getting any of the rent from the house he's renting out but he's living in her house so that means he doesn't have to pay rent.

@MumaJo he's also had free lodgings over a period- how much would he have paid in mortgage if he didn't have the option of renting his other place out? I bet you will find it's fairly equal.

@blackpooolrock doesn't really matter as I'm not even asking for any of that and it's his savings! Just would have been nice to get more help as I have been scrimping every month for 3 years!
Yes he pays towards the monthly outgoing and the nursery bill and is a good dad, I'm not knocking him at all for that!! But I'm using every penny of my money and he has £1500 spare each month!!
I've never disputed he had a claim on the house, I'm not driven by money and no I don't expect him to walk away from anything, this is not my desire at all, I just want some help and support financially!!

@0sm0nthus thank you for your advise! I hope it won't come to this and we can work out a good way forward that everyone is happy with!! 🤞🏼
I know he was careful but I really never thought he was money oriented so this is all a bit of a shock!!
Worst case I will sell the house and take my share! I am not driven by money and there would be enough to move on!! Money doesn't make you happy (does help) but if it does come to it then he has basically chosen money over his family and he's welcome to it!!

Money provides independence and security. It is worth prioritizing.

As usual, the man here is far more calculated and prepared than you are.
He knew what he was doing, so was always ready for this conversation and his counter claim

All while you were busy doing all the housework, all the childcare and still fighting to ‘prove your independence ‘ 🤦🏾‍♀️. Why women think their labour has no value, I will never know.

I hope you’ll find your strength for the conversation you’re about to have, and be prepared for any outcome, as this already sounds like your relationship is about to change (one way or another).

@justasking111 No absolutely not... I've never ever disputed his share in the property! And wouldn't expect him to walk away!! If he need a bit of paper to claim his stake then fine but I Just wasn't expecting my asking for support financially to better my living standards to warrant the need to look at this...

Money doesn't make you happy

But no money or someone ripping you off can make you very unhappy.

The OP has debts, he may be wary of throwing more money ar the problem

Which is why they need to sit down and sort things out

Sure but he’s not ripping her off. She’s not entitled to his money as she’s now moved to demanding, and she’s choosing to work 3 days a week. He’s not making her.

@justasking111 I pay as much as I can each month off my loans, and it will currently take me 3.5 years to repay at the amount I pay!! I have said to my other half any extra money I have from our new arrangement would go towards paying this asap so it's not like I want the money to use on anything ridiculous!! I have an old car too! I need to pay this off asap so when it dies I can afford something else!!

@Sunnyandsilly what are you on about!! Utter nonsense!!

how much does he pay towards the monthly bills? i.e. nursery, mortgage/rent, electricity, gas, food, child?

Why not just get married? I don’t know why marriage is seen as a bigger commitment than creating a child together. Why create a child if you don’t plan to stay together? And if you do plan that then get married for the protection and security for both parties.

@blackpooolrock 65%

So he pays 65% of all the bills and yet you want more?

surely something isn't right here?

if you cant live with him paying 65% of the outgoings then your living a life you cannot afford?

@Bigredpants yes it could be a way forward but it doesn't feel very romantic getting married for that reason!!