Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

@MumaJo
I think it would serve you to be a bit more driven by money.
If your partner is driven by money and he uses that drive knowledge and experience to optimize your JOINT financial situation then that is a good thing.
But he's not doing that is he. He's exploiting the fact that you don't have that drive and understanding to maximize his financial situation at the expense of yours.
You are using your talents and abilities to benefit both of you but he isn't, you're not getting the benefit of all his talents and abilities.

I can see both sides, mostly because we don't know the full details. But it does concern me that OP is very quick to emphasise that she's not 'money driven' and that 'he's welcome to it'. There's a difference between wanting fairness and being 'money driven' and if she is labelling herself as some kind of golddigger when it sounds like both sides are getting different benefits from this arrangement, then she risks being mugged off a bit.

Women can be so desperate to avoid a money driven label, often to their own detriment.

The reason she can only work part-time is that she also has to do the unpaid work of looking after their child. And is very likely also doing other unpaid work which facilitates his life.

Do you pay the mortgage yourself or does his 65% include a payment towards it?
Or do you charge him rent?
Or does he live rent free, just paying towards utilities? Nursery costs neither here nor there. It's his child too.

If he has paid no rent contribution, then work out what it would have cost him in rent since living with you & deduct that from the £40k he paid towards your renovations.

If he is pushing the "I put 40k into this house" then you need to fight back with figures as well.

I'd be wary of marrying someone with debts to be honest. My friends wife ran up debts, pissed off leaving him with two children and a lien on the house. Took him five years to pay off the debts. HMRC were sympathetic but his wife who did the books hadn't paid the tax and VAT on their business.

@MumaJo this is why once you have kids you are either a family or you aren't , with money pooled. He has benefited by not paying his own mortgage- I'm pretty sure that probably balances out what he spent on renovation- the fairest way going forward if you are a family is to portion it out - income into joint account, bills all come from from joint account and then split the remainder between you- but you cover off maybe a bit more non essentials, kids clothes, days out etc - to be honest legally it isn't half his house - and if you were playing hardball he would have no entitlement at all, especially if you highlight fact he's paid no rent and rented his own out. He's hardly in a position of no security if he tries that one on- he already has a house and a large pot in the bank too- I would say the same if this was a woman pulling that one on a guy. The fact is you would probably be little better off Asa couple if you worked full time because nursery would be higher.

@CoffeeBeansGalore he pays money into my account and this goes on towards the utilities and mortgage, it covers 65% and I pay the rest.
No I don't charge rent as it's our home!
Not sure I could say you owe rent as it's his house as much as mine!! I really don't dispute it's his house too. This is not my intention to do him out of anything!

hahaha...

How you can you nursery costs don;t matter? surely they are outgoings the same as anything else? You can't choose to ignore some of them because it suits. If things went to a solicitor as part of a split these would be included...

No I don't charge rent as it's our home
So the house that you own is your joint home, but the house that he owns, he gets all the benefits of that, the rent money is going in his pocket.
How would it be if you turn the tables here and both of you lived in the house that he owns a new rented out your house and all the rent money went in your pocket?
Would he agree to a situation like that?
When you partner up with someone you should both be better off because of the partnership, maybe you're letting him off some of the unfairness because he's a good dad? But is he giving you extra consideration because you're a good mum?

to be honest legally it isn't half his house - and if you were playing hardball he would have no entitlement at all, especially if you highlight fact he's paid no rent and rented his own out
@Crikeyalmighty very true!
OP has told us that he raised the issue of his entitlement, presumably he thinks that she will naively and trustingly just swallow what he says.
If I was her I would play dumb but get proper financial advice and try and understand things fully. This man has a strategy and he is trying to out maneuver her, she should fight fire with fire.

OP - you really need legal and financial advice because otherwise he’ll run rings round you.
He sounds like he knows exactly what he’s doing and is manipulating you to believe he’s entitled to more than he is.

Even if you stay with him, speak to someone who is an expert in property law.

My point being he shouldn't say he is not liable for paying "rent" as he partially covers nursery costs within his share of bills. It is his child too. Some men mentioned on here seem to think nursery fees are solely to be paid by the working mother. So paying nursery fees is not in lieu of anything else.

He pays 65% of the outgoings, OP pays 35%. This on a house he has no leverage on. It's really not his fault she works three days a week, when he works full time.

My son has a house he rents out as does my DIL, They also have a house they share. Joint bills cover their joint home, income from the let's is theirs and theirs alone.

To be fair they're both banging it off their mortgages as fast as they can.

@justasking111 - absolutely he contributed to the house and it bills and he has no legal claim... maybe that's something that need to be changed....
HOWEVER..... his well paid work requires him to be away and without me doing the lions share of the parenting then he wouldn't be able to do the job at all....
l am facilitating his career by not working and have sacrificed my own career (which was a decent one) I don't think financial support is much to ask!!
And yes I could go back to work full time but the cost of nursery I would be earning £20 a day!! I would rather sprang time with my child before he starts school and I don't have the opportunity! Can't get that time back!!

@MumaJo I would set a formal agreement if you aren't married- if you feel strongly about him benefitting from the house - I would state that £40k of house sale will be his. In return for that you want to pool incomes, take all costs out (excluding your loan) but including mortgage and split all remaining income equally. (You pay your loan out of that) - you might actually find though you aren't that much better off - you would need to work it out.

Of course it's his fault she can't work full-time!
The reason she can't work full time is because she has to look after their child so that he can work full time.

He can only get an income from his house because he lives in/shares your house.

He can only enjoy having a child and working full time for a high salary ( a large chunk of which he can save) because you are spending many hours of your time looking after this child and not working.

You can see the pattern of how what a lot of what he is gaining depends on what you are losing.

So:
Where is your share of rent from his house?

Where is your greater share of his salary?

Where is your share of money to save?

Millions of women work full time while having children. Working part time is a choice.

To me you are letting yourself be walked over by this man. Grow up and demand that he pays what he should and reach a sensible financial arrangement. I find all of this extremely irritating that you have allowed this to happen and make excuses for him. He's the father of your child and has as much responsibility as you.

One day he will just walk away and leave you high and dry and you'll be powerless to stop him.

You’re grateful OP. He’s helping financing you staying at home with your child; it’s true in a way.

But will you be so grateful when he ends up with the financial lion’s share, an expanding career, a stake in your property and a great pension, whilst you will have …

?

I never married myself - but can see why smart (middle class) SAHM mothers nearly ALWAYS want to get married before having children. They are so much more protected (likely their children are more protected long term too).

Not to mention the secret savings account …

And being happy to see you scrimp and scrape whilst he fills said coffers. I’m on a relatively low income. I have more than you to spend each month. And I never have to take out loans to get by at the end of the month either.

He sounds mean or - as I said simply earlier - a single man.

Thank you!

She needs a good solicitor, not mumsnet, and to stop promising him half the house when she hasn't had legal advice. She's going to end up with nothing while he walks away with his 70k savings intact AND half her house.

OP, for goodness sake give your head a wobble, go and get legal advice and for the love of god put down your surrender flags and start fighting.

You'd be earning £20 a day when half of the cost of nursery should be borne by him? How so?

You are propping up his lifestyle. Stop it. Your security currently is that the house is fully in your name. When you write you talk about him doing things for both of you but if not married there is no 'we' in any of this. As unmarried partners your assets are owned as they are registered or held at the bank. If he wants a fair share of the house legally then he should be open to combining salaries into one account and paying all bills out of it or paying all household expenses in proportion to earnings. He's got £70k in the bank and you are struggling to pay the bills. You need to open his eyes to this. Tell him you can't afford to keep living like this, you'll need to go back to work, he's on the hook for half the nursery fees and you need to work out what happens on days when child is ill so he can take a share to enable you to work - you don't think this is the best solution however how you are currently living isn't sustainable.

Is just give up work and bring up my child let him pay for everything cheeky wotsit

If he has put money into the house he will have a claim