Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

Im only having one child so really want to spend time with him before his start school in September 2025 (but I'll still only be able to work school hours then)

Okay... so do understand you are ACTIVELY CHOOSING to financially fuck yourself up the arse?

You arent married.
You arent earning
You are being financially abused.

How did finances work for the 12 years before you had a child? Did you share all bills etc jointly? Did your salary natch his then

Yes, in a lot of cases renovation, depending on the standard, can very easily come to half of the value of the property.

My question would be how is the mortgage being paid and how and when was this decided. Was it renegotiated during and after the decision to have a child?

If you're not earning similar amounts, 50/50 is not a fair split - it should be done as a percentage, so you both contribute the same percentage out of your incomes.

Eg if the household's total bills are £5k a month, and you both contribute 40% of your incomes to cover the 5k, that is a fair split, because it leaves you both with the same proportion of discretionary income.

Him squirreling away loads of money on the quiet and leaving you in debt and struggling is not fair.

If he won’t contribute more then unfortunately it seems like the best option is to go back to work full time (and leave him).

You can’t afford to work part time until Sept 25 and then only work school hours or term time. Your son will have to go in breakfast/ afterschool club and use holiday clubs like many families, the cost should be split proportionally between yourself and your partner. You could also split annual leave but your partner should use his for childcare too.

He should be paying at least 50% (but really proportionally to your wages) for expenses for your child such as clothes and shoes. It’s not up to you to fund these.

You are contributing by providing childcare as without this expenses would go up.

If you stay together then a better way to work this out would be for both your wages to go into a joint account, all bills and expenses are paid, money put into savings account and money put aside for your sons needs (clothes, shoes etc) and then split remaining money between yourselves.

I would get married as quickly as you could. I mean, really put pressure on him to marry you.

!!HOW I PLAN TO PROCEED!!
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions, it's really made me think about my situation more deeply!

I'm going to say finances need looking at, and that I can show where my money goes if he wants to do the same? If not do that then we start using a joint account where 50% of our income goes into. This is then used for all the bills, food, nursery, child's clothes etc. any extra can be saved in there for yearly expenses like house insurance etc!!
That way I should have more over to hit my debts, pay some more into my national insurance and get a haircut once in a while!!
What he has left is for him to do as he wishes! I will not mention the savings due to how I found out! And really that's my bad for not getting my 💩 in order!!

If this all fails and isn't agreed then I know where I stand and I will have to seriously consider my options... Thanks everyone x

Good. 👍

but 50% isn't fair .... Because hes earning more than you... because your caring for a child and a house.

Wheres his payment for the housekeeping and the childcare?

50/50 is fair when everything is already equal but him earning more than you means shit to you seeing as you arnt married so any extra income is completely his.

I would at least either pressure for marriage OR i would do it as percentage of each of your incomes so that it pays off all the outgoings AND gives a nice pot for the family to use on whatever.

@2024istheyearforme - I meant 50% of our incomes to go into a joint account, so he will put in much more than me!! Not split it 50/50... 👍🏻

I feel like there needs to be a massive public campaign about the huge risks of women reducing their hours to take care of kids when they are not married. You have zero protection if you split. Get a full time job

I agree, you read it on here almost daily where women get themselves stuck in this situation and then the ones that end up trying to go back to work seem to get lumbered with all the school runs, all the organising, all the bills for the kids stuff, sometimes even all the childcare costs.

Its actually shocking that people get into this situation but its even more alarming when they dont get married and are SAHM because they dont realise just how screwed they are until their partner walks out and they have been out of the workforce years, have no entitlement to all this money their partner has saved and then realise they also have no pension pot.

Good. Do not I repeat NOT give him a share of your house while he keeps his all to himself.

yes he contributed to it via the renovations on your house, the same as you are contributing to his house by letting him live in yours rent free so he can let his out.

You will each benefit from the capital gain from your own properties.

This man is exploiting you.
The reason you're not earning is that you're having to give your labor for free so that he can continue to enrich himself.
You are working for him for nothing, that makes you a slave.

Same as me.
Have a pocket he knows about and a pocket he dont.

Please consider your worth a little higher and suggest for pro rata. Ie if he earns 3.5 x you, he contributes 3.5 times more than you. You contribute more in non financial ways and will continue to as primary parent.
That still leaves him with 3.5 times more disposable income than you. If he thinks that is unfair ask him why? I get that you love your days at home, but they are still a contribution to your family, specifically your son's wellbeing.

You need to go back to work today.
Childminder / nursery / pre school.
He's not a partner.

Nobody in their right mind, man or woman, would get married in those circumstances.

Can you image what the Munsnet reaction would be if a women came on here and said she is really being put under pressure to marry.

@MumaJo

That way I should have more over to hit my debts, pay some more into my national insurance and get a haircut once in a while!!

Do you claim the child benefit and it goes into your current account? Claiming would benefit your NI credits and state pension eligibility.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit

•	an allowance paid to you for each child - you’ll usually get it every 4 weeks
&bull;	<a class="break-all" href="https://www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">National Insurance credits</a>s<span class="underline"> which count towards your <a class="break-all" href="https://www.gov.uk/state-pension" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">State Pension</a>n</span>

🌹

Even if you both put 50% of your income in it won’t be equal. He earns more than you so will be left with more than you each month. You should be left with the same amount.

Going back to this, is your partner saving for your little boy? If not, why not?

I think you should make saving for your son part of the renegotiations around money.

I can't post much as I'm concussed from banging my head against a wall...........again

@MumaJo if you work 3 days a week and claim child benefit, why are you “ paying into your national insurance “?

Even though I've got a good egg at home, I still went back full time to work as I had no legal protection to do otherwise.

It's not even if he turns out to be a fucker. ill health or an accident could turn the tables on you in an instant. That's what happened to us and only me continuing to work up to a decent salary over the years is the reason we are afloat right now.

@J0S my NI is taken out of my wedges automatically. From comments on here I guessed I wasn't paying enough so would end up with a lesser pension when I reach retirement ages!! Thought I could top it up or pay any missing amounts.... I know my mum has recently done this so she gets a better pension!! I don't really understand it all to be honest!!