Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

It's not romantic to get married if it's just about the finances? Well you could also be wondering why it would only be about the finances, and not because he wants security for you and your DC, because he could maybe love you? However, if being together years, living together years, or having a child together years, is not enough of a reason, because despite all that, he doesn't feel enough to want to, then it's safe to say that that ship has sailed and he is probably unlikely to ever want to. This shows how much about the money and holding onto what he has is important to him.
On some level, he trusts you enough to put a lot of money into a renovation on a house that he has no claim to legally. So that is something, this is the only bargaining chip you have. Once his name is on the deed, there is no need to get married- the romance part is where you've met the one you are happy to share everything with, he's a bit reticent about the sharing aspect because he has more as an individual- totally misses being a parent.
So, either use the house situation as a good idea to get married- problem solved. Or, use it as a way to get him to pay a lot more monthly. Tbf, if he wants his name on, you should not be accepting a level of half his wages necessarily, it might sound fair, but half of your wages still leaves you with a lot less than him left over. The amount you put in, should be proportionate to the amount you earn to the point where you should have the same disposable at the end of the month, and yes, this could amount to him paying all bills in effect.
You seem to feel a need to justify wanting to work less, but your excuse was BS on that. No way would you be working for £20/day if he is paying what he should towards nursery fees for his child, as he should. That figure can only have been plucked out from an assumption that you would be covering all nursery fees. Either you are together as a family or you are not and at the moment you are very much financially separate. Sacrificing your career, enabling him to have his, is unwise on many levels. Work full time, he pays for nursery, he becomes less well off in the process - that's how being a Dad goes, pretty much like being a mum.
If he wants separate finances, wants to remain unmarried, then you don't get the luxury or safety of being part time, as many people don't. You might just be at the point where being part time just isn't feasible. I say this as a single parent who had my DS 100% of the time, but also worked full time - we have a lovely relationship, it doesn't suffer because you work. I still have plenty of happy baby memories.

most parents want to spend lots of time with their children but its not feasible for the majority - its a luxury. you need a full time job.
if he's working long hours he may feel its a bit uneven of a split whilst you're part time - hence the separate savings account.
get a full time job and your own finances in order - don't think any more about his.

if he's working long hours he may feel its a bit uneven of a split whilst you're part time

She is full time: part time at work plus the remainder with child and meanwhile losing promotions and pension.

she is part time EMPLOYED. last time I checked being a parent isn't a job - its a responsibility. no reason why she can't go full time and make a career.

That tells you everything you need to know!!!

Not a partnership at all. Ideally, you should have agreed the set up before your child was born. Resources should be pooled for the good of the family in my opinion. If I were you I would go full time and accept that he doesn't want to pool joint finances for the good of his family. Work towards being entirely independent so that you may leave anytime without any detrimental effect to yourself or child.

My friend was anti marriage because her mother had gone through three husbands and various partners.

Her partner had gone to a financial advisor because he was self employed doing well and wanted to invest.

The advisor said to him get married if you fell ill your partner and children wouldn't have the same rights as blood kin if you died.

That was an eye opener so they and their three children had a lovely wedding abroad, just a ceremony and a holiday.

@MumaJo
I'm afraid you're being a 'mug'.
He's running rings around you financially and you're talking about giving him a share of your house which is in your name only.
If he wants a share of it he should marry you.
Please take legal advice before you do anything.

Some very blinkered posts on here 'just work full time...working part time is a luxury'

It's not a luxury when one partner is a high earner. This often means long hours, trips away (sometimes for weeks), lack of flexibility around school pick ups/drop offs/school events/ meal times, housework...I could go on & on. This crap is usually spouted by people that are pissed off that they didn't have that 'luxury'.

Therefore BOTH parents may decide that one partner should be a SAHP or work part time for the sake on the entire family. Some people (including men!) decide it's a priority that a parent not a nanny is the main caregiver. This does not mean that person picking up the slack at home is a lazy freeloader, they are enabling the high earner in their career, providing unpaid childcare & labour.

Also, It's not always financially sensible to have two people working full time, especially if one isn't a high earner as their salary may be swallowed up in nursery fees etc.

This doesn't give the high earning partner the right claim they have mire if a claim on the family money and squirrel it away. They should be a unit, a team.
God if my husband had a week of life admin, including keeping on top of the school WhatsApp groups he'd thank his lucky stars 😂

If he walks away, you'll have nothing- sort out your debt and realise that it's not an equal partnership and never will be. He's financially comfortable, you're not, and he has no legal respite ever make sure you are, and morally clearly doesn't give a shit

Do NOT give him a share in your house unless he gives you a share in his house.

You need to sort out your finances and pay him back for the money he
paid towards your renovation. You could always remortgage and pay teh increased mortgage from the extra money you will have when he pays his fair share.

You also need to see a lawyer and get a cohabitation agreement and find a way of him compensating you for the fact that you can’t rent out your house and get an income but he can.

You need to instruct YOUR OWN lawyer and get advice on this.

I managed to do all of the above whilst working full time - with a useless ex husband who didn't pick the kids up from school once. I worked full time, and timed my meetings around being able to take kids to school and back, then working from home late into the evening. its possible - I did it, and so did a lot of women in my family, its a shame you haven't had the same role models.

The unit, or team, should be established, including full discussion of financials, BEFORE having a child, not after.

@misszebra I know what you are getting at and I worked full time from My son being 13 weeks old! (Those were the days eh) but this was because 'I had too' - my H was not squirrelling away £1000 a month in savings! We needed every penny of his earnings. My income even after child care costs gave us an extra £700 into the kitty (this was late 90s) and we needed that £700 to get by- not for savings!

In this case there is plenty of money between them for the OP to work part time and I doubt she would be more than£300 a month better off after working full time if you factor in the extra nursery costs. The problem is all the spare cash is sitting in her partners bank account .

absolutely. I was more so responding to the posters that went on at me saying its unreasonable to expect a woman to work a full time job and bring up children x

@misszebra
Absolutely no one has said it's unreasonable to work full time & bring up children. You are projecting massively here - shouldn't have to to justify my previous post but FYI I have a post graduate qualifications, a decent career and also work full time, bit of a low blow to insinuate I had poor role models. My mum was working class (had a job!), determined I would go to uni & have opportunities that she didn't. Anyway, I digress...

Working full time/part time is a choice for some that are financially secure.
There is nothing wrong with working part time or being a SAHP if everyone appreciates what each partner brings to the table.

There's an implicit assumption in some posts demanding that women should work full time to protect themselves that both partners have decent careers and equal earning power. What if one partner worked FT on min wage at Tesco & the other was an investment banker earning 150k? Would it be fair for them to invest ££ in their own pension & set up savings accounts whilst the other person struggled?

The issue isn't about working full time/part time. That may actually make very little difference financially to the OP. The issue is about the fairness and transparency of the family finances.

im not projecting. it was my own choice to work like I did - I came from money, however I wanted to do it for myself, I was not in a place of hardship where if I didn't work I would be homeless - it was my own choice not to take a penny from my parents... stop hinting I am jealous, I am not.

It sounds like you didn't have much choice but that doesn't mean working full time is the ideal for everyone.
No need to be so oppositional.

I absolutely had the choice. my issue here is people spouting that its not possible when it is.

@misszebra
Ok, quote a poster who has stated it's impossible to work FT with kids.

No one has said that, as everyone knows it's perfectly possible (as you have been at pains to point out), just not always desirable if one partner is able to work part time/be a SAHP for the various reasons outlined previously, particularly if one of the parents is on a low salary & their wages are a small % of the overall pot.

Anyway, I'm off to bed & bowing out as this isn't a thread about the benefits of working FT/PT or whatever- good luck OP.
Hope you are able to speak frankly with your DP & come to some sort of resolution.

@misszebra Yep it's definitely possible to do both- whether or not it makes sense with under 4s depends very much on whether it's needed or whether it's part of a long term career plan- to be honest I wouldn't do it again unless I really needed to - I would rather drop back and look at 2 or 3 days a week - but at the time didn't have those options - but as to if it's possible- yep it is

Sadly I think no matter what advice is given on here the OP will still allow herself to be treated like this. Some people are born to be walked over and always make excuses for poor treatment from partners.

@UrbanFan I agree. If someone can't treat you all as 'a family' with a pot of money to share out as needed - I'm not sure they would be getting their mitts anywhere near my house- regardless of any work they had done on it.

This is a horrible thing to write.