Secret savings account!!

[MumaJo]

I'll keep it as brief as possible....
I've been with my partner for 15 years, we have alway been financial separate until the last 3 year when we had our son, since then I've had to rely on him for money as I can only work part time!
I have £10k debt from when I brought our house, (my partner help with renovation cost so it's half his house) and he has his own house that he rents out...
He works hard and is on a very good wage currently earning 3.5 times what I get, he also gives me money towards the household bills and covers the nursery! I have very little if not nothing left at the end of the month after all the bills, food and general life.
We usually take turns getting groceries as I like to feel I'm contributing and I tend to get anything my boys need's like, shoes, clothes etc! I do manage to stretch it out to get my hair done etc every couple of months but I'm constantly juggling and occasionally have to add to my loan to get by!!
I have an old 2010 mini which is fine and my partner recently purchased a brand new VW transporter to convert into a camper for us so go off travelling in so that lovely!! He has paid for our holiday! But I keep getting reminders that he paid for that!!
But I've recently found out he has a savings account with £70k in it... and he puts £1000 in a month (he doesn't know I know)
One part of me thinks it's his money, he does contribute towards bills and he can do what he wants with it... but the other half feels like I have been struggling unnecessarily when he could have been helping me!!
I feel he has a lovely safety net, 1.5 houses, a massive saving account and a 3 pension when he gets old!! I on the other hand have debt, no way to work more to pay it off as I look after our boy and all I earn goes on bills and general life!!
Really hard to know what to do! It's not mine, I don't have any right to it and not even sure if I should be upset it exists!!
Let me know what you all think.. TIA xx

You can't

You need to ask yourself if asking your partner and father of your child for a big more money when you’re struggling to make ends meet and he’s squirrelling away a grand a month ‘won’t go down well’ then why the hell would you want to be with someone who values his own bank balance more than his partner and child.

Its pretty standard that if one partner gives up work or reduces hours to prioritise childcare, then the other supports them financially.

Nope. I couldn't live with such inequality. Scrimping every month and he's living good. Nope.

You need a saving account in your name, start saving even if only few pounds now and when you go back to work ramp up the savings. If he questions it tell him that if he dies/has an accident you need funds to support your child.

I know many people don’t think about “what if I die young”

My friend’s father is disabled due to a medical error. Went from being comfortable with his own company with a good income to living on benefits, lost their house and him in care for 20 years. He’s home now but still needs 24 hour care.

Anything can happen.

You need to talk to him about splitting the expenses more evenly. Write it all down and present him with the facts. Plus if course everything else you do to keep the family going.

@AdoraBell I actually save £10 a week in an account in my little boys name!! Might have to cancel that 😔 and just save myself...
we both have life insurance policy so financially ok if something like that should happen!!

So is he living rent free in your house?? While raking in rent from his house?? And you provide free and flexible childcare?? I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s got life sorted.

Tell him the cost of childcare and that he will have to pay half as you're going back to work. (Along with half the house insurance incidentally)

See what he thinks. If you give up your earning potential to look after your&his child then you should be compensated for it. If you don't then you know how much to charge him (ie that amount).

The fact you know it won't go down well says it all.

How can he be happy knowing how much he has left over versus how much you have left over?! What sort of partner would be okay with that?! 😡😢

You know you deserve better don't you??

You say he contributes. WHAT does he contribute?? Half of the mortgage? Half of all the bills, kids clothes, groceries and childcare? He should be contributing half of everything as an absolute minimum.

LTB + ducks 🦆

So what’s his is his, and what’s yours is also half his?

Op, you know this isn’t fair.

Why is the home insurance your sole cost ?

As he paid for home renovations, he would be able to claim some money in the event of a split.

Do you pay your home bills 50/50 or relative to earnings ? If he earns say double, it’s fairer that the bills are split two thirds /one third

Expenses for your child - clothes, shoes etc. should be joint.

Why not move into his house & rent yours out? Your house can pay for itself & gain in value whilst you just pay a share of the bills in his house & increase your savings.

If the house is in your name it doesn't matter how much he has invested in renovating it, it is still all yours. As you are unmarried he is entitled to have whatever savings he likes. Perhaps you could propose that he covers the debt and you pay him off monthly though, it makes sense that neither of you pay as much in interest. Perhaps he'd go for that, better to owe him than the bank.

If he reminds you of what he pays for - holidays etc, remind him what a full-time nanny would cost him!!

What you need is facts. Prices have risen, petrol insurance, food etc.

You need a house hold budget that you both agree to contribute to for bills, all bills, house hold and child - including shoes!

Would you want to get married for the legal and financial security it would provide? Would he?

A big sit down detailed discussion is needed here, where you lay out the inequality, your vulnerability, and your preferred solutions.

You should have got married OP. Crazy to have a kid together with our the protection of marriage.

I can't think what you see in him. He sounds horrible.

It's not 'our house' - you need to stop saying that. It's your house which he lives in rent free whilst he rents out his own house.

You need to be getting more money off him if you're struggling like that.

@TheHeadOfTheHouse Yes he does.

@quizzys when I brought the house the arrangement was I'd put the deposit down and he would pay for renovations! It's in my name but we have both paid in equally to get it to a nice standard... legally mine but fairly half half

you need to dump him and claim Child maintenance. this is wrong! you need to explain that you have found out and how hurt you are that he gets to save a nice little nest egg whilst you scrimp and save every penny to still not afford shit JUST because you are the STAHM

Sit down with a massive sheet of paper and get it all written out. What he makes, what he spends on outgoings, what he’s left with, and the same for you. All the bills and things your child and you both benefit from and who contributes to them (circle each one with a colour you’ve picked for each of you). And most importantly write down what percentage of your wages you’re both spending. This man is behaving shamefully and selfishly and hopefully doing something like that will draw his attention to it. If he’s still being an ass say you’re going to speak to your friends and family to see how they are managing in the cost of living crisis and ask them to look over your finances to offer guidance on how you can improve them. I’m sure he’ll consider how poorly he’s behaving and how embarrassing it is when he realises other people will know how he is withholding much needed financial support while you take on the majority of the parenting.

Wake up. Ditch him. Put your financial and housing situations in order. He is taking advantage of you.