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Original poster

How did this nice thing become a negative?

339 replies

OneThreadOnly · 05/05/2024 09:38

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

OP posts:
Alasia24 · 05/05/2024 09:41

No. It's a caring thing to do but I can see that if I was in his position, I might take it as a dig, or use it as an excuse to have a go depending on how I felt at the time.

For context, I have mental health issues and the ability to be toxic within relationships so make of that what you will.

VoteHappy · 05/05/2024 09:43

No But he's choosing to use this as an issue to beat you with.
Personally I would have just stayed away.

You rowed, said its becoming a deal breaker and then help him with emails and cook for him??
Why?

category12 · 05/05/2024 09:44

I suppose there is a way of seeing it as a passive aggressive thing, but I think you have to be pretty far gone down the route of "we are adversaries, not lovers" to think of it like that.

Does he often turn things round on you? Like telling you you're doing things/saying things wrong when you don't think you are?

I'm curious about what the issue that keeps rearing its head is.

Creamandtan · 05/05/2024 09:45

It’s a nice thing to do, his grasping at whatever he can to use as an excuse so you back down. I’d love to have come home to a meal, his just being nasty.

FlameTulip · 05/05/2024 09:47

It was a slightly odd thing to do. If you are having such a serious argument that you might break up, especially if you've backed down on this in the past, you were sending mixed messages. I think that after the supportive conversations etc he assumed you were back on for the Sat night plans, and I can see why he might find it a bit passive aggressive to find the plate of food but no you.

AsYouMightBe · 05/05/2024 09:48

My only issue with your behaviour is why you’re cooking for and sending ‘cordial’ emails to someone you’d just had a relationship-ending disagreement with.

Shodan · 05/05/2024 09:48

He's being like this because he thinks that by causing another argument, you'll back down on (or forget about) the original row. He's angry that you're not backing down and is trying to put you back in your box.

Original poster
OneThreadOnly · 05/05/2024 09:49

VoteHappy · 05/05/2024 09:43

No But he's choosing to use this as an issue to beat you with.
Personally I would have just stayed away.

You rowed, said its becoming a deal breaker and then help him with emails and cook for him??
Why?

Because we are partners, a team and making life easier for each other is part of that. yes there is an issue between us that needs work but that doesn’t negate everything else. we are not a war, we are still on the same side we just need to get this issue ironed out.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/05/2024 09:49

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground.

I think he's kicking off over this to manipulate you into backing down.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 09:49

His reaction was nasty.

I too don’t understand why, when you said you’d not see him after all, you engaged with him about his work difficulties & cooked for him and went round to deliver it. That’s odd and ‘enmeshed’ IMO. Would he do similar for you? Seems unlikely.

If its clear he isn’t going to change on the ‘dealbreaker’ issue and it is indeed a ‘dealbreaker’ for you (you say different things about this, your OP says it’s a ‘dealbreaker’ and that if he won’t budge its all over, later that it’s ‘something we need to work on’) then it’d be best to break up and not drag it out.

Is the main issue actually to do with both of you, or is it something only ‘within his gift’ to change? If the latter it sounds like he remains unwilling to change it.

Original poster
OneThreadOnly · 05/05/2024 09:50

Shodan · 05/05/2024 09:48

He's being like this because he thinks that by causing another argument, you'll back down on (or forget about) the original row. He's angry that you're not backing down and is trying to put you back in your box.

Yes this is exactly what I think is happening.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 05/05/2024 09:51

Personally - i think if it got to ultimatums - the relationship is broken.
Hard to say much without knowing much about situation. Clearly the issue seems important to you - and he sounds in difficult place with something. So not sure pushing for some relationship issue at this time is the best decision.

Dropping the food in the way you does sound weird. Almost manipulative too.
I get that in your mind you had a different intentions, but still.

You don’t have to stay with him, btw. If something is not working for you - leave

Doingmybest12 · 05/05/2024 09:51

I think it's a confusing thing to do, you don't want to see him, you might break up, you want him to reflect on his behaviour but you cook a meal you should br sharing and drop it round. I can see why he is not sure what's going on and wonder what this means.

WhatDaPoint · 05/05/2024 09:53

I can see why you did it but I can see it might come across as you playing games. "I'm refusing to see you but here is some food I made" I know your intention is good but I can see how it might come across to him.

It's quite a serious position to take to refuse to see someone until they agree to do what you want. I KNOW your reasoning is right and sometimes you have to draw a line under certain behaviour but I can see that to him it's all a huge deal.

I'm assuming the 'things is something serious like drugs or drink or something and not something minor.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2024 09:53

He doesn't sound particularly pleasant if that's how he speaks to you, however you said you didn't want to hear from him because of X then proceeded to speak to him then feed him with X still hanging about, you need to make up your mind, he still sounds nasty though.

Original poster
OneThreadOnly · 05/05/2024 09:54

Wow it seems that I was actually in the wrong about the food thing since many of you see it as passive aggressive.

I honestly thought it was a nice thing to do, the last thing he needed was to come home at 8pm and start cooking so I did that for him.

it’s something I have done before (if we aren’t arguing) if I have more spare time and know he has a lot on I will pop round and get his lunch ready for him the next day or put a wash on. It’s nice to come home to a little bit off your plate, or so so thought.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 05/05/2024 09:55

Doingmybest12 · 05/05/2024 09:51

I think it's a confusing thing to do, you don't want to see him, you might break up, you want him to reflect on his behaviour but you cook a meal you should br sharing and drop it round. I can see why he is not sure what's going on and wonder what this means.

Agree with this.

I do agree that he is trying to get you to back down.

However I think that @OneThreadOnly you sound weirdly emeshed / are giving mixed
signals.

Given that he is in a bad place / under work stress / the deal breaking issue is unresolved, I dont think you should have taken the food.

Calling you a bitch is unacceptable btw.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2024 09:55

I don't think you were being passive aggressive but I do think you were sending unintentionally maybe, mixed messages and that is confusing him.

WhatDaPoint · 05/05/2024 09:55

Because we are partners, a team and making life easier for each other is part of that. yes there is an issue between us that needs work but that doesn’t negate everything else. we are not a war, we are still on the same side we just need to get this issue ironed out."

It's very serious if you have given him an ultimatum though. You are 'at war' and you aren't 'a team' though. 🫤

PermanentTemporary · 05/05/2024 09:56

A boyfriend I was mad about broke up with me and then a week later sent me a Valentine's card. I was furious beyond belief because it hurt so much and it felt like he couldn't stop interfering with my feelings. It also gave me hope which was unhelpful (we were on again/off again for another year at least, it was fucking awful and when we finally split I married the wrong person within 18 months).

I can see that he's almost certainly quite immature and not very good at relationships (I wasnt) so he's lashing out, but he's also very clearly finding your behaviour painful and the situation distressing. That's not surprising surely?

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2024 09:56

Calling you a bitch is definitely unacceptable.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 09:56

that kind of thing is odd, codependent type behaviour IMO, especially when you don’t live together and if its not reciprocated.

VoteHappy · 05/05/2024 09:57

Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 09:49

His reaction was nasty.

I too don’t understand why, when you said you’d not see him after all, you engaged with him about his work difficulties & cooked for him and went round to deliver it. That’s odd and ‘enmeshed’ IMO. Would he do similar for you? Seems unlikely.

If its clear he isn’t going to change on the ‘dealbreaker’ issue and it is indeed a ‘dealbreaker’ for you (you say different things about this, your OP says it’s a ‘dealbreaker’ and that if he won’t budge its all over, later that it’s ‘something we need to work on’) then it’d be best to break up and not drag it out.

Is the main issue actually to do with both of you, or is it something only ‘within his gift’ to change? If the latter it sounds like he remains unwilling to change it.

Edited

You said what,I was going to say
Just to add words and actions should match or it's manipulation

I'm going to stay away until this is sorted or its a deal breaker
Helps with emails/ cooks food

Bizarre

Bone11 · 05/05/2024 09:57

I think it was very kind of you, and shows how much you care about him. But I don't think his definition of team is the same as yours, and I think you are putting his needs, and the needs of the relationship, above your needs. Don't be a martyr always doing the right thing for others if you are not treated in the same way.

Doingmybest12 · 05/05/2024 09:58

Also think it's odd to go into his home and put the wash on and make a lunch for the next day, hopefully not as creepy as it sounds.

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