How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

I totally agree. This man will destroy you if you stay, @OneThreadOnly

^^ I was going to say this too!

The ‘“nasty bitch” moment would have ended the relationship for me immediately as I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that from anyone, never mind someone who is supposed to love me.

But the fact that he is trying to scupper your promotion by preventing you from studying exams which will lead you to earn even more and be senior to him professionally says it all op.

This isn’t about insecurity or jealousy. He is saying that because it’s more socially acceptable! “Oh I love you so much, I want you all to myself” sounds better than “I want and need to control you because women should always come second to men.”

Edited to say: go and find a man who celebrates your personal success, encourages your career progression, and is proud of your achievements op! They are out there!

Why are so many men in relationships with women they hate? Why can't they find someone more suitable?

Op glad the book is helping.

as a side note - if you are concerned about your monthly feelings have you considered trying hrt? Not sure how old you are but worth reading up on it on other threads here.

this is in NO way related to your awful (by now ex I hope) - purely for you to feel ok

He is controlling and called you a nasty bitch. Why be with someone like that?

"He just thinks everyone on Mumsnet is “bitter old women who hate men”."

Nope - we just hate arseholes!

I'm glad the book is helping, @OneThreadOnly, but please don't beat yourself up for not seeing what was going on - it's much easier to see from outside a relationship, because we haven't sunk our time and emotional energy into it.

I’m not HRT age yet, late 30 and still regular.

When I sit clearly and calmly and let go all of this angst, I can see I don’t have monthly moods as such, certainly not with my kids, friends, colleagues or anyone else. I just get less able to brush things under the carpet when my hormones fluctuate. My period didn’t make him react about my work conversation after all.

My partner convinced me early in the relationship that I had BPD which is how I ended up in therapy, the therapist has said absolutely no way do I have BPD. So now he has latched onto PMDD, the gp listened to how I get angry each month and said yep you sound like you have PMDD. So my partner has fixated on that.

My therapist doesn’t think I have that either. We did a lot of work around how I take responsibility for things that aren’t mine to take responsibility for, work on boundaries, staying in my window of tolerance.

overall though whilst my reaction to certain behaviours weren’t helpful and we have worked a lot on that, she has said no amount of therapy that I personally have can fix a relationship problem that is not coming from me. We are trapped in a cycle like hamsters on a wheel with his jealousy and paranoia and I can’t stop it because it’s not my wheel.

In the end I stopped seeing her because I was busy with the promotion and because my partner (suppose that should be ex partner now actually) hated her. I also feel so much better in my self, I never feel angry about anything other that this issue.

She met him once as he was so jealous of her and she thought it might help him to know what happens in sessions etc and she said it made a lot of things click into place, after just 5 minutes!

I can't believe you've stayed with this headcase for three and a half years. What's the attraction op, is it about fixing him or something? The Repair Shop wouldn't be able to fix this one.

Your therapist is a woman. Of course he hates her.

Men like this hate ALL women.

Yes hopefully too young for hrt and as you say the monthly thing was probably you seeing clearly.

Of course he hated her! She was helping you to see that his behaviour was unacceptable and the problems in the relationship were not coming from you.

We are trapped in a cycle like hamsters on a wheel with his jealousy and paranoia and I can’t stop it because it’s not my wheel.

You are not trapped you are choosing this. You have the choice to leave. It's completely up to you.

You have to stop analysing and agnsting and just leave him.

What I read from this bar all the other obvious leave the B stuff (which I truly think you should, he is awful) but the funny thing you keep mentioning is you should be supporting him, he isn't supporting you through your work stuff is it? He's actively sabotaging it. Can you not see that? It's probably not even about the males at all, although that might be part of it. And you're already changing your behaviour to his explosions by not wearing lipstick Etc.

Fuck that! What are you doing op come on? There are soooo many men out there and this is the best you can do. Love, my arse. This isn't love. Love doesnt need to put bars around you or shackles on.

I actually work with my partner. I talk to males all day long in front of him. And I wear makeup every day. Because I want to. He never ever said a damn thing to me because this is how it should be.

You're always going to lose with this man. If it isn't this, it will be another thing.

You are not trapped you are choosing this.

Absolutely. Maybe you have become addicted to all the angst and unnecessary drama, I believe this can happen in abusive relationships.

@OneThreadOnly

So now he has latched onto PMDD, the gp listened to how I get angry each month and said yep you sound like you have PMDD. So my partner has fixated on that.

Maybe you think you have/had PMDD because your "partner" has out it in your mind - and you're so keen to please him so you've accepted this and, perhaps, persuaded your GP too. Does your GP know the truth about your relationship? If so, they might have been persuaded differently.

The same way your therapist has been.

overall though whilst my reaction to certain behaviours weren’t helpful and we have worked a lot on that, she has said no amount of therapy that I personally have can fix a relationship problem that is not coming from me. We are trapped in a cycle like hamsters on a wheel with his jealousy and paranoia and I can’t stop it because it’s not my wheel.

Another successful, clear-eyed WOMAN - who he hates also. And this is the service you've been receiving on MN now, also.

In the end I stopped seeing her because I was busy with the promotion and because my partner (suppose that should be ex partner now actually) hated her. I also feel so much better in my self, I never feel angry about anything other that this issue.

Can you invest the time to go back and see her? I do think you need the extra help and support there to help get yourself free of this man and stay free of him. And, of course, don't share him what is discussed at these sessions. Grey Rock (google it) regarding these as much as possible.

She met him once as he was so jealous of her and she thought it might help him to know what happens in sessions etc and she said it made a lot of things click into place, after just 5 minutes!

Hang into that tightly and act to protect yourself accordingly - she sees him clearly. 🌹

I just read your update he "thought: you had a mental illness and persuaded you into therapy . He sounds.unhinged and dangerous he isn't a lovely man he's a controlling knob, you can't save him/change him because he doesn't want to change or be saved. As Pps have said he doesn't like you at all.

I’m so pleased you are rereading the book and trying to piece together why you’re allowing this to happen again. You sound so thoughtful and caring and brilliant, just stop wasting this on people who really don’t deserve it!

Thanks - I am thoughtful and caring and loyal and kind. That’s why I get so confused and frustrated when he comes out with all of these things I have supposedly done. Because I don’t recognise myself at all in the person he describes.

I always think, if he can just see the real me then everything would be fine because I know I am not the horrible person he thinks I am.

But really it doesn’t matter how he sees me, as long as I know that I am not that person then he can think what he likes. And really if he actually thought that about me he wouldn’t still be with me so I don’t think he believes it at all. So what am I wasting my time doing.

It’s sort of clicking into place. I felt like I needed to leave him 6 months ago when I made the last thread but we had something coming up that I didn’t feel I could get out of. Then several times since but we had something else coming up that I didn’t want to lose out on.

Well There is nothing but embarrassment and shame that I have failed again to keep me here this time and really so what, someone else will be the gossip in a week or two.

Un flipping believable that you’re still justifying his behaviour. Take a step back and see how completely unreasonable he is. What a cunt.

He isn’t insecure, he’s controlling and abusive. What you see as insecurity is possessiveness and determination that you do as he wants, he may be jealous, but he’s not insecure, more like suspicious and controlling.

OP - now what did the therapist say about accepting responsibility ?
Embarrassment and shame!! I do understand where you are coming from but give yourself a break - he has taken your kindness and good nature, your loyalty and used it against you . You should save your energy and emotions and channel them into healing yourself.
Please don't feel embarrassed and don't feel shame
xx

More so embarrassment that I once again have let a man control me and can’t seem to pick a decent guy.

Shame that as a grown woman I repeated the same mistake again.

I am sure people will make their comments but the next thing will catch interest and my disastrous live life will be old news.

I can relate to that but it's such a pointless emotion when you think about it.
It will fade but in the meantime try and put it away .
Keep strong

Unfortunately for him, you do sound like an awesome person, OP, so I have no doubt that once you get out of this, lick your wounds for a bit, it will be onwards and upwards for you, both personally and professionally. You are awesome which is why he's spending a lot of time convincing you you are not, and there's something wrong with you (which your therapist thinks is bullshit and so I do). Good luck.

Don't be embarrassed, it's really hard to break that conditioning of abuse and trauma.

You can do the work and do the work, but it's really difficult not to fall into familiar patterns and difficult to believe at gut level what your head might know logically. It's an ongoing process.