How did this nice thing become a negative?

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I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

He's taking the dinner you cooked because you care for him and using it to beat you into submission

If you hadn't cooked for him he would be using that too.

You can't win with him as he's not a good person.

I’ve tried that, the boundaries chat. I have literally tried everything which is why O feel this time O have to put my foot down and be willing to walk away.

You're explaining yourself over perfume.
You have fallen right into his trap.
Climb out now.

You keep watering down the message Op, so he's not hearing you, he's waiting until you get over it and life goes on as normal. With the emails and the calls he thought you'd swept the row under the carpet again, he expected you and dinner to be waiting.
You say you are partners, that without this issue you'd be happy but this is part of him, it's not going away. He won't get help Op, it's not a problem for him, only for you. Already you are changing yourself for him, already your job is threatened. How much longer will you let this go on?

You're done lots of work on yourself.

You've identified that this man is just the same as your abusive ex (apart from not physical yet).

You know that the controlling behaviours are a straight LTB.

Are you going to act on your knowledge?

I think you need to stop thinking of this as 'he's a little bit insecure and if I can prove my love to him then he will stop being insecure' and start thinking of it as 'he is jealous and controlling, and nothing I do will ever be right/enough for him'.

Did you always stay too long in your other relationships trying desperately to fix them? If so don't do it again here OP, this isn't a good person - the jealousy and controlling behaviour will only get worse. You made him a meal and he's trying to make you feel bad even about that. He will use anything against you to get you to submit.

I'm so glad you are starting to recognise that he is also abusive. So as you know this and you've done all the work you also know you can't change him, don't you. He's not going to suddenly turn into the man you wish he was.

So you say ( to yourself and him) "I am not willing to be in a relationship where my partner is/does ..." rather than "Unless you change ... then I will end the relationship"

That's not how boundaries work.

Boundaries are what you apply to yourself and your own expectations not something you impose on others.

She has already explained to him what she needs him to do. He hasnt don't it. It's an issue that keeps arising

He keeps crossing the same boundary and she is letting him do so by staying in the relationship. If she doesn't want to be with someone who behaves like that, she needs to leave him and find someone who doesn't behave like that.

So- he coercively controlled you all week, then you cooked him a dinner and took it round.

This is not 'one' problem in an otherwise nice relationship, it's infected every single day of your life.

I'm sorry OP. I think you know the truth but are hoping it is different.

You've got a lot to give in a loving , respectful rationship OP. Don't waste your time on this man. You've got a lot going for you, your home, your job, your friends . You are in danger of losing all of this, put yourself first.

His 'insecurities' are absolutely NOT a problem for him. They serve a very useful purpose. They keep you off balance, trying to make him happy and under his control. Why would he change?

Ultimately this.

This is why I didn’t post the main issue originally, because I know all of this. I know he’s not going to change, I know I am letting him treat me this way.

I am just scared that maybe the problem is my mood swings and I will lose him when it’s really my fault.

I KNOW that’s not the case but then like this thread proved - I thought the only way taking that dinner round could be seen was a kind thing, and so many posters saw it differently. What if I am seeing this wrong.

You're not.

So does he not question what you're wearing and make you show him your work conversations?

You're making that up as part of a mood swing, are you?

Come on now.

I keep going to the toilet to check if my period has come and if I am making a mountain out of a molehill because of my hormones but my period isn’t even due for over a week and I really don’t think his behavior would be acceptable regardless the time of the month.

But is it only a deal breaker because I am hormonal!

No.

You are showing him bottles of perfume to pacify him over how many squirts you have used. That's not hormonal.

Whatever good points you feel he may have he's also abusive and controlling and you deserve so much better. You're tying yourself in knots and desperately trying to make everything ok and you can't fix this. He is who he is and if he was capable of changing he would have done so by now.

Even if you could force him into seeking help with an ultimatum it wouldn't work. You can't force someone to change, they need to want to and even then and even with professional help its unbelievably hard. No matter how small you make yourself you'll never be small enough for him to feel secure. You can't fix this, you can't even stay with him without damaging and maybe eventually destroying yourself.

You sound lovely OP.

Please, do yourself a favour and get rid. You deserve so much better. Take it from someone who has been there, done that. I ended up not knowing which way was up, thinking I was a horrible person and trying endlessly to please someone who manipulated the hell out of me.

The day I walked away (15 years later) I felt all of the stress fall away. It was wonderful.

Good luck ❤️

Regardless of where you are in your cycle his behaviour is not ok. How you feel, what you ll put up with might shift a bit with your cycle but his actions are abusive all the time. It's not you, it's him. What ever your motivations in trying to make things better, it's not working and you need to decide to rip off the plaster and get it over with.

Bless you. You are still trying to placate a man who thinks he owns you.

You are a loving person. Can I suggest you find another outlet for that love? Voluntary work, pets, neighbours.

When I went to uni I got fish and plants because I need someone to look after.

You need to look after you. Stop looking after men who don’t deserve it and see it as a sign of weakness. 💐

OP, it s not a LTB, it s a run you need to do, as quickly as possible, not an amicable breakup, not a conscious uncoupling, a run.
Don t be nice, try to accommodate, be amicable no more.
He s not a nice guy with a default, a project, or a human entitled to human decency or kindness or closure (or whatever bullshit he will try to pull on you)
He s an abuser who will not stop until there is nothing left of you.
He has already started.
Run.

You have to read this as not right you can't reason with this man he has no right to monitor your perfume and make up use, you sadly will never make this man happy I mean hes commenting on perfume, are you intending to live with him you mentioned hen do trousers are you getting married to him.

Ah for a hen do I misread sorry.

You know you need to end it with this man, you just don't want to believe it.

You can't fix him or change him.

Please leave.