How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

Forget about other people's opinions.

Stop "mothering " this man,and any other man.

Get rid of him and have a break from any dating.

Learn to really understand yourself first.

You’ve done lots of sensible things to protect yourself - you’ve found a good therapist and listened to her, you’ve set your boundary and it sounds like you’re following through, you’re rereading the book and reflecting on your most recent experience. When you’ve been in a really terrible abusive relationship it’s easy to put up with a slightly better version of the same - it doesn’t look as bad on paper and it feels familiar. It’s easier to leave when someone hits you than when someone emotionally manipulates you. But you’ve recognised and dealt with the more subtle version too. You sound really reflective, intelligent and caring. Take some time and be kind to yourself, there’s plenty of time to try again when you’ve regrouped. You’re moving in the right direction and it sounds like you have been consistently, I hope you can give yourself some credit and grace for that as you get out of this relationship.

I don’t see why you would be embarrassed to be a smart, successful, independent women who is caring, thoughtful and is standing up for herself, despite being ground down by a passed abusive relationship. He should be ashamed at being such a pathetic, immature little worm that he finds a great partner who loves and wants to work things out with him, but still manages to fuck it up because it's more important to him to be abusive than to see you happy.

No need to be embarrassed op.
You are generous and kind and loyal. He is not, but of course you were hoping that he was.
It’s down to luck who we meet, and this guy was still nicer than your exes, so no Wonder you thought maybe you were in the wrong.
But now you know you are NOT in the wrong, not in the slightest, and can move on from this.

He’ll try to make out you are nuts in any way he can, and ‘help’ you to get better. How awfully Nice of him. Except you are not nuts, and his help is really not helping.

Glad you read Lundy Bancroft. That book is a lifesaver.
Don’t show this thread or the book to your (hopefully by now) ex. He’ll go demented with rage, just best avoided.

It's OK to make mistakes. You've learned from last time and ended this relationship before the man hit you.

The shame should be his for being a controlling abuser.

I cannot believe this lowlife tried to make you think you had a serious mental health problem! He is so so not worthy. It was nice of you to bring him dinner but he doesn’t deserve any of the nice attention you pay him. This is completely ltb territory.

OP take heart. I was making terrible decisions re men up until my late 40s. Then an absolutely lovely man came along who I've now been with 15 years. But you know, I learned such a lot about myself from every single one of those relationships so nothing was wasted.

That gives me hope!

I appreciate all the support I am getting and I have read every single message. Still staying strong here. I know it takes multiple attempts to leave relationships like this but I think this time is the time.

*The conversations we have had this week -

You are wearing smaller clothes for work. - Yes it’s spring, these are my spring clothes, I haven’t bought anything new, I just wear different outfits depending on the seasons.

You are wearing more make up - I wear the same amount of make up every day. Occasionally I will add eye shadow or eyeliner if I am up earlier or if there is a big meeting. This has happened twice this year. When we met I wore a full face of make up every day.

You are wearing more perfume - I wear two squirts of perfume every day. I usually alternate between two but I came across one I had misplaced and I wore that for a change. I had to show the half empty bottle to prove I hadn’t bought a new perfume.

You wore your hen do pants for work. - no I have a pair of white work pants and a pair of white leather pants that I wore for a hen do. I had to show him both pairs.

You wore a new vest top for work - no I have had this top longer than I have known you, I wear it in spring with a cardigan. - I had to show him the label, the top is a 12, I am now a 6-8 so that proves it is an old top.

You didn’t speak to your previous colleague (female) this much - yes because when she left I was promoted as you know and that’s why I have to work with her replacement much more. Because the tasks that she did are now done between us jointly. (She was three levels senior to me, I was promoted one level and new colleague has come in one level below her so we are much closer in term of workload)

It doesn't matter what the reason for it is - he is controlling. This is abusive. He isn't going to change.

Stop fighting with him and LTB. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but it is what you need to do. It's not just one little issue of him being 'insecure' and if he would just change it you'd be fine. It's not possible because this is who he is and unfortunately you're so beaten down by it and been gaslight so much that you're questioning if you're the problem. It's not your hormones. There is nothing wrong with you.

You have every right to be frustrated/upset and react accordingly when someone is mistreating you, and that is exactly what he is doing.

End it and don't look back. You can do this...put all that therapy to good use and set some clear boundaries that you are not going to be in a relationship with someone who is trying to control you. You deserve so much better.

This is nothing to do with your hormones. Anyone would be angry and upset if they were being treated that way. He is manipulating you into believing your healthy emotional reactions of anger and upset are a problem. They are not. They are the only good thing that is happening in this relationship. Listen to those angry and hurt feelings. They are trying to keep you safe. They are not the problem, they are the solution. Listen to what they are telling you. Don't doubt them. Trust them. That is really the key to escaping the cycle you are in of relationships with abusive men.

That post about proving you weren't buying new perfume and wearing more makeup is crazy. Do these guys laugh their heads off at women tying themselves in knots and running about like blue arsed flies trying to keep them pacified?

@HelloDenise They must take great delight in torturing these women, for sure.

Hello @OneThreadOnly, glad to hear that you are holding firm. Has he been in contact since Sunday?

I am sure people will make their comments but the next thing will catch interest and my disastrous live life will be old news.

Please don't stay in a relationship because you are embarrassed about what people will say if you leave. Believe me, they will just be glad you are safe and happy.

My very good friend never spoke with me about her husband being controlling but she didn't have to. I was with her so often when he would call repeatedly to see where she was. I watched her walk on egg shells around him so as not to trigger him.

We see, we observe. It's not our place to offer advice unless asked but we are there for support if wanted. My friend wanted space, so I gave her that too. I never once, not for a single moment, judged her for leaving him.