How did this nice thing become a negative?

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I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

But you’ve said you will end the relationship unless he resolves the issue. That’s more ‘this team is being dissolved’. And rightly so, if it’s something you can’t live with.

Yep

It all sounds exhausting. It sounds like trying to make something work that just doesn’t.

I can see you were trying to be nice, but it’s confusing. To be saying you can’t see him, but here is some dinner. It feels like you’re trying to be so rational and adult, but your relationship is stuck with this one issue, so there’s no point because he won’t change.

I am glad I posted as I couldn’t see how he could be seeing the food in a negative way but from the replies I was being weird.

I don’t want to end the relationship, he knows that. I want him to sort it out and we can stay together and be happy. Even acknowledging it and taking any responsibility for it would be a massive start. I can’t carry on with how things are. I have tried every way to make him understand how much it affects me and he won’t acknowledge that there is a problem much less agree to change.

I just also didn’t want to add to his stress by leaving him with no dinner, but was trying to stick to my boundaries.

You're sending him mixed signals and it's confusing and annoying.
It's like youre mothering him giving him the message "I'm really angry with this thing that I have to have strong boundaries about but here's your dinner and I'll help you with your homework"

You said this thing is a dealbreaker so do what you're meant to do as two adults. If he can't be an adult then call it a day.

What is the issue that keeps rearing its ugly head

Is it a mental health issue he refuses to get help with?

It’s not creepy, he likes it and is usually grateful because it takes something off his plate and makes his life easier.

You've more or less ended it by dictating that unless he does something you want him to, the relationship is over.

You should have then stepped back and given him time to think about what he wants.

Instead you take him round food which is appeared to he considered you to be rubbing his nose in it that he will be eating alone.

You blow hot and cold and it does seem rather manipulative of you.

" nice" things,are not always nice though and given the context
I agree it can be seen as PA
The mature thing to do would be to give him space to think about the issues
He's a grown man Im sure he can get some food himself

Eh, I'm 50:50 on this. Firstly if you're still in a huff with me, don't be all saintly and leave a meal in my house for me to eat on my own because I'm still being punished. I can cook my own food or go eat with someone else.

And secondly, if anyone tells me "You won't see me again until you agree with me" then they won't be seeing me again anyway so they don't need to try and take the moral high ground by displaying caring gestures while waiting for me to do what they have told me to do.

However a lot comes down to what you were disagreeing about in the first place.

It isn't your job to feed a grown man because he's stressed at work, I know you think you are being thoughtful but he's not treating you right there is an ongoing issue that won't be resolved with you nipping round putting a wash on and making him meals, he's taking the piss.

What does he do for you to make your life easier?

This is all rather ‘women who love too much’.

Your boundaries sound poor. Is the thing he won’t change a deal breaker or not? If it is then stand by your boundary.

’being a team’ is great if that’s actually how it worked between you, but being codependent and/or a one way street of you doing things to facilitate him is different.

This relationship is over unless you address this deal-breaker, I'm going home.

Followed by,

Let me help you with that work issue, and meals on wheels and the laundry lady has popped in.

It's not consistent. At this point your words don't mean much and you're unlikely to get the result you want regarding the issue you have a problem with, because you don't follow through. Meanwhile he's exploiting that, and all together it's a bit of a mess unfortunately.

We’re going to need to know what the original issue is now so we can let you know who’s being unreasonable there.

Those asking - Yes the issue is only his to change. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, I have tried changing my behaviours over the years to not trigger the issue but there is literally nothing more I can do at this point.

It came to a head on Friday because it is now affecting my ability to do my job. I have just been promoted and am trying to pass professional exams and he is making it impossible to actually do my job.

he needs to do something about it now it has gone too far.

It is an issue that would be a unanimous LTB which is why I didn’t post it because I just wanted opinions on the food thing.

You sound lovely but cooking and doing his washing is unusual - he can get a takeaway if he’s tired. It’s a bit babying though I’m sure you didn’t mean it like that. He does need to resolve the issue between you but sounds like he won’t until this work stress has eased

He can't /won't manage his work life and The Issue... You trying to micro manage things for him like feeding him isn't helpful.. Not to you. You risk becoming a dm figure not a dp. If he can't /won't sort The Issue out you obviously don't mean as much to him as you thought. Surely walk away then?

The food thing is a symptom of the cause. The issue is the issue. Don't get distracted.

Ah, you know the answer, so maybe it's time to face up to that, even if you don't want to.

The sooner the plaster's ripped off..

There is too much fallout originating from whatever the original issue is, and without knowing what that is, this one episode is impossible to advise on, without context.
But if it's a LTB issue, as you have mentioned, then you have answered your own question there I think. Plus the fact you havent told us what it is is also very telling, you know the answer already.

I wouldn't have done it, I think it's confusing and weird and sending mixed messages. By the fact that you say he won't acknowledge it as an issue he clearly doesn't actually think he's done anything wrong so your action may have been seen as passive aggressive even if not meant that way

Drugs?

This. OP, it sounds as if this relationship is dead in the water, but you’re muddying the issue because of all this ‘helpful’ laundry and food delivery. Maybe you’re struggling with the idea of ending it, but it sounds as if you need to.