How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

If the intention had to be together for this meal, but I got home to find that my partner had just left my portion in my kitchen, I'd find that incredibly cruel, actually.

And given the relationship difficulties I'd take it as a sign that there was no future for us.

I think what you are doing is very weird - if you are angry enough to not see him, why are you cooking for him?

You are interacting with him as if he is a child IMO, rather than having an adult to adult relationship.

Give him space and give yourself space too. You have ended the relationship, he is entitled to time to reflect.

You do sound a bit like his mum OP "leaving him with no dinner" - I'm sure he could boil some pasta or make beans on toast!

If the issue is really so bad, just break up with him. Not this weird limbo thing.

OK so if his repeated behaviour is a universal MN LTB type behaviour, and keeps happening and you’ve stayed, you’ve unfortunately chosen to put up with it to date, to your own detriment.

if your problems with your own work / study / promotion are that you feel too upset about your boyfriend’s nasty behaviour to feel well and able to work, then again, unfortunately at this point that’s down to you and your own choices. I’ve been there and got that T shirt!

Meh. I think the food issue is a red herring. Who cares what it’s viewed like? He’s apparently doing something so shitty that it’s affecting your job, and you’re still helping him and treating him like he’s your teenage son. You are at war, or should be, seeing as he’s refusing to cooperate on something that’s threatening to destroy the relationship and won’t even discuss it.

If pp would take the food as passive aggressive, fair enough - but ultimately this man has been looked after by a woman he’s actively choosing to have a problem with, and being a prick about it. I think OP you need to prioritise yourself and reinforce your boundaries. Having boundaries but then helping someone and dropping them food cancels itself out.

Yes this.
Op you don't have to LTB I mean he's affecting your day to day life, but this isn't a team this is him doing what he likes offloading his emotional crap then reaping the rewards. It doesn't seem he's adding anything to your life.

I knew everyone was going to want to know the issue and I didn’t want to post it because everyone would say LtB and I don’t want to. I just want this behaviour to stop and us to be happy which we would be if he changed this one thing.

The issue is his insecurities. It’s on going and I have tried to make him understand how much it affects me but he refuses to acknowledge it is a problem.

it came to a head because I was working from home of Friday, at his place. I have recently been promoted which means working with a male colleague on a project, we had to be on constant teams communication about the project via teams, there is absolutely no way we could do this work without the constant back and forth.

We had a row because he was pissed off that I wad “chatting to another man on private messages all day”. We have had this conversation before about this colleague and another colleague and he has read all of the conversations and can clearly see that it’s work related. Both of these men are higher up than I am and I can’t refuse to speak to them. It is my job.

His insecurity is constant and I try hard to manage it, done wear lipstick etc but I have to speak to these people.

OP I think YOU aren't at war, but he sure seems like he is! You want to negotiate a peace treaty but he just wants you to surrender and to conquer you. The issue that's led you to put your foot down has been discussed before and he has not changed- that says to me he does not want to change to make you happier. He wants it all his way. So, regardless of how you leaving him a meal could be interpreted, and I do think you were being caring and he was very ungrateful and rude, he doesn't want to compromise with you and just wants you to give in again. You said you're not going to this time so it seems to me there's no further room for negotiations- you'd be wasting your time. In your position I would retreat to safe ground and conserve my resources; stop doing anything for him and end the relationship properly. Don't, whatever you do, give way to him again. That man will drain you dry and break your spirit if you let him ! Been there, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

If you've said that you're not going to see him until he does x, then dealing with emails and cooking him dinner counts as seeing him, tbh. Most people would have taken that to mean no contact. Yet you are still providing usual services...what's that about? You've taken all the teeth out of your decision. It does look like you are playing games. And you are not standing your ground at all.
Obviously he's out of order to speak to you like that, "thank you" is the appropriate response to someone who provides a meal. Is he usually that rude?

That’s not ‘insecurity’ it’s sexist, controlling behaviour. the most recent example occurring on Friday. he most recently called you a bitch yesterday.

LTB indeed. Do yourself a favour!

Oh he sounds horrible jealous and possessive, this isn't insecurity BTW its controlling probably classed as coercive control.

Wow this is highly controlling behaviour, not just a bit of insecurity.

He's getting annoyed about you messaging male colleagues for work??? This is unhinged. Please get rid this whole relationship sounds toxic

He isn't suddenly going to become secure and reasonable in his behaviour. He's not going to change. You're not going to put up with it. Sounds like you're done.

OK, this isn't insecurity, it's controlling.

He shouldn't be reading your work conversations, depending what the work is, it could be a breach of policy that could get you fired, and even if not, it's highly unprofessional.

He's not interested in change. If you go round and round on the same matter all the time, it's not going to change.

In this context, I do think that he's turned your kind gesture round on you to get you to back down, and that is part of his controlling behaviours.

Either he's thinking you are trying to manipulate him or he's trying to make an issue with you to get past your issue with him.

With regards to his insecurities he can't change because you want him to. It's too ingrained for that. He needs to recognise his issues and get therapy to work through them and that would be easier to do as a single person rather than in a relationship that already has this dynamic.

End the relationship it's up to him if he chooses to learn from it.

It sounds like you've got into a horrible loop of trying to please and appease him in the ways which are becoming a bit odd and unhealthy . He needs to recognise you are no longer playing that game. He needs to shape up or you ship him out. I think if you work on re establishing your boundaries , such as - no you aren't looking at my work conversations- you will pretty quickly end it with him. All the best OP.

We had a row because he was pissed off that I wad “chatting to another man on private messages all day”. We have had this conversation before about this colleague and another colleague and he has read all of the conversations and can clearly see that it’s work related. Both of these men are higher up than I am and I can’t refuse to speak to them. It is my job.
His insecurity is constant and I try hard to manage it, done wear lipstick etc but I have to speak to these people.

The issue is not the food you made it's this! Do you have kids with him? Why are you still with him? Is this the man you want to live with for the rest of your life? Is this the type of man you want as a father to your future kids (if relevent?). He sounds awful and controlling. This is LTB territory.

I can see why you didn't want to mention this but it's very relevent.

I don’t even expect him to just change, all I need is for him to acknowledge that his behaviour is not ok and to seek out some support. Read a self help book, do some online course, anything that shows me he understands it’s not normal and he wants to change.

I appreciate he can’t just turn it off because I dont like it.

he just brushes it off as my mood swings because I bring it up every so often and then end up backing down so clearly he wasn’t the problem or I wouldn’t back down.

that’s why I must stand my ground this time. I don’t want to end the relationship but if that’s what it comes to then I am going to have to.

Good for you, OP. I admire your strength and resolution on this issue. You're absolutely right to insist it stops.

Your mood swings ? He means hormonal he thinks your hysterical and hormonal. Sod that.

Why is your bar so low?

There are much, much better options for you than dating a sexist man who behaves like this.

perhaps read some self help books or seek help for yourself.

We won’t be having kids (I have grown up kids) he can’t have kids.

I do love him, I understand he can’t help feeling insecure, no one wants to feel that way. But he needs to recognise that it is a problem and be willing to try!

I don’t even expect him to just change, all I need is for him to acknowledge that his behaviour is not ok and to seek out some support. Read a self help book, do some online course, anything that shows me he understands it’s not normal and he wants to change.

I appreciate he can’t just turn it off because I dont like it

He doesn't want to change, and he doesn't think this is wrong. This isn't insecurity or him being a sad little bunny who needs help - this is about him controlling you and a power dynamic that suits him very well.

@OneThreadOnly you're insane if you stay with him. You sound intelligent but you're changing your behaviour to suit him and he's still not happy! Just read what you've written and then give your head a wobble please. You're not wearing lipstick because it will annoy him. FFS you know full well that his jealousy and control over you will only get worse over the years. These people never change no matter how many times they promise to. I bet he's said the classic line to you too... it's only because he loves you so much, don't fall for it... there'll always be something he'll want you to change so it's ultimately your fault if you fight and then things will be perfect in his eyes...

I’ve read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, I have also read the freedom program one. I have had group therpay and one to one therapy.