How did this nice thing become a negative?

[OneThreadOnly]

I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

I have put it aside before when he had been having work problems and gone round to be there for him. Funnily enough that was that and the issue was just dropped.

Yes, because he successfully manipulated you into shutting up about it.

Your cooking for him and doing his laundry, even when you've had a row, is about you trying to prove to him that you love him and he has no need to feel insecure.

Except that will never work. No matter what you do or say he will remain insecure. And you'll keep changing your behaviour to stop him feeling insecure until you're so far down the path of submission you'll feel totally trapped, and a shadow of the person you are now.

Can you also see that you are there for him when he has a hard work time, and he's the opposite with you- sabotaging, not supporting, limiting.

You can't change him, all you can do is keep yourself safe and move on.

I don't like the sound of any of this OP and you're right, most people (including me) would be thinking LTB at this. I don't think this is a quick fix either. As for the meal, I get that you were trying to do something nice for him, but he clearly saw it as passive aggressive, even though that's not how you intended it. It hasn't passed me by that he called you a 'nasty bitch' either. He's a big nope from me OP, sorry.

I agree with all of this.

That would be the last meal he would ever receive from me. And there's a lot more on the list to add to that. Do yourself a favour, find someone else. He's petulant.

No one here thinks you cooking is ‘being nasty’. Misguided yes.

sorry to hear about your past- that sounds awful and it makes sense why you are trying to make this work but please do move on and leave this one to sort himself out

You say you could be happy if he changes this one thing. He won't because this is who he is. You deserve to be happy.

Never enter a relationship with a man with control, jealousy or anger issues

Never enter a relationship with a man who must change his behaviour or nature to make it a happy, functioning relationship.

You cannot change another person, especially abusive men who need to grow up. You have already asked him many times, he doesn't want to see the truth, accept and give up on him.

You are just wasting your time and peace of mind, diminishing yourself away into nothing and setting yourself up to becoming a victim of abuse.

That is EXACTLY what I was trying to do, prove to him that I love him and care about him and even though we aren’t agreeing right now that doesn’t stop, I am not just giving up and walking away.

I thought it would be reassuring and allow him the space to admit his insecurities are a problem without fear that I will just run away if he does. that I am here for him and he can work on it without losing me.

clearly I live in cloud la la land with the fairies and cute bunnies because it backfired spectacularly

You deserve to be happy, which you aren't Thoth this guy. He's gaslighting you

You won't iron out this issue.
Many nice things you do will become negative.
It's so he can indulge himself however he sees fit, while taking no accountability for hurting you.
He is the victim now.
And so it will go on...

A possessive angry man cannot be fixed with a meal and reason.

you have been changing your behaviour to try to change his. That wont work. You do not have that power.

you've told him his behaviour is a deal breaker, but you and he both know it isnt. Youve no control here at all.

V sorry about your past.

This man is sadly abusive too. You can’t change him, but you can do much better for yourself.

feeling love for him isn’t good reason to continue to date him.

I knew everyone was going to want to know the issue and I didn’t want to post it because everyone would say LtB and I don’t want to. I just want this behaviour to stop and us to be happy which we would be if he changed this one thing.

Sorry @OneThreadOnly but you're fantasising about making him into something he isn't and won't be. As you say, "this one thing" isn't something small, it's absolutely fundamental. He isn't going to change.
The issue with the meal is a red herring. This is a relationship that you can't mould into what you want it to be. You're flogging a dead horse.

I agree with you on this. I think it says a lot of nice things about your character.

I am wondering if it would be helpful to reframe your "ultimation" as a boundary.

So you say ( to yourself and him) "I am not willing to be in a relationship where my partner is/does ..." rather than "Unless you change ... then I will end the relationship".

You cannot make/force/cajole him into changing, you can only state where your boundary is and leave it to him.

It also sounds however that he has more controlling behaviours than just this one issue and that he is actually unable/unwilling to see/acknowledge that he is being controlling . I would think carefully whether you believe it is actually possible to be in a reasonably healthy relationship with this person.

I thought it would be reassuring and allow him the space to admit his insecurities are a problem without fear that I will just run away if he does. that I am here for him and he can work on it without losing me.

But he doesn't want to do any work on himself.

The way he is suits him just fine. He's not scared of losing you. He's not insecure.

It works for him. His control of you is worth more to him than your happiness.

It backfired because his controlling and insecure nature doesn’t have him thinking straight. He should know you well enough that he knows that the chores were done out of love but he’s treating your actions as coming from someone with an agenda.

You should not have helped with his work and chores because it makes your boundaries (and hence the ultimatum) look negotiable. Your description of the relationship sounds toxic and more mother and child than equals.

People often feel uncomfortable with the truth that healthy intimate partner relationships are conditional. So much is written about unconditional love, of loving people despite their flaws, it is easy to overlook the need to place conditions on each other.

I think it might be confusing/ unhelpful to do loving/kind acts whilst highlighting the conditions for a relationship with you - however well intentioned.

If you do split, this will be hard as you still love him- but the kindest thing for you both would be to cease all behaviours that are a packaged part of your relationship - not just the intimate ones. Otherwise, it will be difficult for you both the heal and move on. At the point you decide (if you decide) that splitting is needed, be prepared to walk away from taking any kind of responsibility for his wellbeing.

Your behaviour is feeding into his, and allowing him to justify his insecurities, and reinforce them. In his mind he's saying:

'see, she's left me food, she clearly feels guilty about all this, she knows she's doing something wrong, and shes trying to make it up with a meal we should have had together.'

And that allows him to reject the food and berate you for doing it, and still believe that his insecurities are justified. It's not logical, but that's where he is. He won't change, he doesnt want to change, and no amount of appeasing him will work. Chuck him back.

The conversations we have had this week -

You are wearing smaller clothes for work. - Yes it’s spring, these are my spring clothes, I haven’t bought anything new, I just wear different outfits depending on the seasons.

You are wearing more make up - I wear the same amount of make up every day. Occasionally I will add eye shadow or eyeliner if I am up earlier or if there is a big meeting. This has happened twice this year. When we met I wore a full face of make up every day.

You are wearing more perfume - I wear two squirts of perfume every day. I usually alternate between two but I came across one I had misplaced and I wore that for a change. I had to show the half empty bottle to prove I hadn’t bought a new perfume.

You wore your hen do pants for work. - no I have a pair of white work pants and a pair of white leather pants that I wore for a hen do. I had to show him both pairs.

You wore a new vest top for work - no I have had this top longer than I have known you, I wear it in spring with a cardigan. - I had to show him the label, the top is a 12, I am now a 6-8 so that proves it is an old top.

You didn’t speak to your previous colleague (female) this much - yes because when she left I was promoted as you know and that’s why I have to work with her replacement much more. Because the tasks that she did are now done between us jointly. (She was three levels senior to me, I was promoted one level and new colleague has come in one level below her so we are much closer in term of workload)

Why would he change? Things are working for him just fine.

You're enmeshed and codependent and although you have the right intentions, you are deluded if you feel that you can love and care and cook for him and he will have some kind of aha moment and change because you are worthy. You need to get that self worth from elsewhere not seek it from a man.

Abuse is a cycle, you have been through more than enough for one lifetime, it is within your power to draw a line, but you won't do it by cooking dinners my darling.

I use the parents bc child analogy because I am a parent of a teen and there’s been times that I am angry with their behaviour but also have to do caring stuff for them at the same time.

Protect yourself and job before you lose both. It’s not possible for you to cure his insecurity or make him seek help when he clearly doesn’t accept that it’s a problem. He wants to take and take but it will never be enough, even if you lived together on a dessert island.

Oh god OP, seriously, get rid of this man. He will tear you down.