How did this nice thing become a negative?

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I am really struggling to see my partner’s perspective on something and I honestly don’t think anyone else would see this the way he does either but maybe I am wrong so here goes;

DP and I had plans that yesterday I would meet him at his when he finished work, a really long shift, I would cook dinner and we would get a couple of hours together.

On Friday we had a row. It’s an issue that keeps raising its head and I have truly had enough. I went home and I said - untill you can acknowledge that X is an issue and promise to do something about it, you won’t be seeing me.

Saturday comes and we exchange a few cordial emails (he was really worried about a work thing so even though I am mad, I still want to be supportive. I helped him draft an email and we spoke on the phone briefly.

During the course of the day I cooked the meal that we had planned to eat together and dropped some round for him so he had a nice meal after a long shift and an extra portion for today because he is working again. I left it in his kitchen while he was at work and went home.

I thought I was being nice, because even though we are in conflict over this issue, I still care about him, I know he is having a shit time at work and I wanted to make his life just that little bit easier.

So he had absolutely kicked off that I am a nasty bitch having a dig and I must be so smug sat at home knowing I have left his pathetic meal for one in his kitchen. That he is really low and I should be there for him.

I am 100% not backing down on the original issue. I know that it is a deal breaker and unless he changes it, we will break up over it. However I have tried to discuss it many times and it always ends up with me backing down. This time I am standing my ground. Yes I get that it is a difficult time for him with work stuff but I have dropped it before because of his tough work stuff and we just end up back at square one.

so just as a sanity check, does anyone else see the meal as a malicious bitchy thing to do? I thought I was being considerate but could it come across as rubbing it in?

The good news is that you don't live together!

This situation has the potential to turn really nasty - this is actually abusive. You have a man here who doesn't trust you at all and who thinks he has a right to actually stop you from having normal interactions with other people in society, to the extent you can't do your job properly!
Do you not see how mad that is? What do you think will happen when he's isolated from your friends and colleagues and you can't work because of his issues?

You know this is massively unhealthy, which is why you didn't want to say. The food is a red herring. You are choosing to stay in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man - he's called you a bitch so far, how long before he escalates?

Does he ever do anything to help you? Also, he's a controlling twat, the jealousy thing is a classic sign of an abuser and he will never change.

I agree with the comments about the food from others. Before reading any of the replies, I felt it looked PA. Imagine walking into that yourself?

You seem to be tying yourself into knots to make this work but it's not.

You don't wear lipstick to try and appease him; you've let him read through messages to prove conversations are above board; it's impacting on your peace of mind/MH and affecting you negatively at work.

How about you step back from trying to make his life easier and work on your own life; stop focusing on his happiness and peace of mind and focus on your own.

People pleasing is so often regarded as a positive by some but it really, really isn't. Ever.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents behave similarly to this man?.

Do you love him or are you mixing that state up with actually being codependent?. Your boundaries here, perhaps somewhat skewed to start with, are being further got at by him now.

He is controlling and thus abusive. Like it or not, your relationship to him should be over anyway because of the abuse/control he metes out to you. He does not treat other people like this; he is likely all sweetness and light to those in the outside world.

Abusers never co-operate nor acknowledge or accept they have a problem; its always those on the receiving end (i.e. you here in this case) that co-operate and twist themselves into the shape of a pretzel. Its always the other person's fault, never their own.

You don’t wear lipstick to appease him? What is this, the 1800s?

I can see two sides, if you are arguing a relationship deal breaker then space is needed to process and decide.

The emails, meals muddy the water and aren't helpful nor give neutral space.

However I think his reaction is a deflection from that said deal breaker.

Yes that is exactly what he means, because I always bring it up the week before my period. I have just finished a year of therapy and she said that’s probably because my tolerance is low at that point in the month and whilst I might let things slide more during other weeks I just don’t have the patience that week.

Of course that plays right into his hands because he can just brush it off as hormonal mood swings.

OP you deserve better. You can’t fix him nor should you try. He’s a grown man and your dynamic doesn’t sound great for either of you. Sorry that’s not what you want to hear

You are risking your job just letting him read those messages - it's unprofessional and compromises other people's right to privacy. If you are studying for something like accountancy, you could be dealing with clients whose data is sensitive.
FGS, look at how you are adjusting your behaviour so he doesn't kick off!

Somehow you've got it into your head that he's a poor defenceless little lamb who cannot help it and needs you to look after him. He isn't! He knows what he's doing and he doesn't think he's in the wrong.
And no grown arse man needs you to go round his house and do his laundry or leave him food because he's stressed! He's not your child! You don't see him worrying about all the stress he's causing you, do you?

Well now you know his position you can end the relationship like you said

He can cook his own food and put his own laundry on. You are treating him like a child. Why? Just actually do what you say you will and leave him alone until the issue is dealt with.

This man will never make you happy.

What do you get from this relationship?

I don't mean in a "what does he bring to the table," way but in a "what need in you is this pattern of behaviour meeting" way?

A need to feel you are being 'nice'; prioritising others above yourself; a need to nurture/support; benevolence?

You are way too good for him, end of!
You sound lovely. Him not so much.

His feelings and thoughts are one thing, but his abusive behaviour is the problem.

if your therapist was decent presumably they encouraged you to walk away from this.

Perhaps you’ve experienced different / worse abuse from past partner(s). If so, this is perhaps another abusive relationship of a different type/stage.

You have a promotion at work, studies, adult DC and so on. You have housing and can support and take care of yourself. Many better options than continuing to choose this man and his treatment of you.

I don’t even expect him to just change, all I need is for him to acknowledge that his behaviour is not ok and to seek out some support. Read a self help book, do some online course, anything that shows me he understands it’s not normal and he wants to change.

His behaviour is actually horrible though and it's really sad that you seem willing to accept it. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like that. I'd absolutely hate it.

It's irrelevant if he can help it or not and it's irrelevant if he acknowledges it or not. The fact he does it is all that matters.

He does it to you because he can and he does it to you because you put up with it.

If you don’t live together and you weren’t eating together and you’d had word why on earth would you cook for him.

I appreciate he can’t just turn it off because I dont like it

but luckily , you can, by ending the relationship. You can turn all of this control and abuse off, because that's what it is, by ending the relationship. You don't need to spend any more years pleading with him to change. He's not going to.

End the relationship because you don't like his behaviour, and head to the local lipstick shop and fill your fucking boots.

I have taken on board that whilst I thought O was being helpful lots of people thought I was being nasty so I will bear that in mind.

He said I should be there supporting him and he knows now that he just has to go through everything on his own. I won’t be there for him.
I tried to be there for him, we spoke about his problem in the phone, I helped him with his email, I took the load off with the dinner. He said that’s not enough I should be there to cuddle him.

it’s so hard not to do that because of course I want to be there for the person I love when they are going through a tough time but I can’t let this go again, it’s getting worse and worse and if I back down because he is feeling low about work then it just shows him I am not serious.

I have put it aside before when he had been having work problems and gone round to be there for him. Funnily enough that was that and the issue was just dropped.

You are not partners, you are not a team.

He is dictating what you can and can't do (wear lipstick for example), whilst you are actively helping him to have a better life by helping him with work emails and cooking him meals; he is trying to destroy your career.

You are being a complete doormat.

He gives off complete incel vibes; wanting you to be the little woman waiting for him at home with a big smile and a cooked meal and not wanting you to have independence or a progressive career.

You don't even live together, so just tell him it's over and block him on everything; job done.

Your updates really worry me OP. You've been doing all this work on yourself. He needs to do his work and he won't do it if you are dancing around him because he's stuck on you being the issue ,and the more you lurch from one thing to the next to appease him the more he'll stick on this. Tell him you are having a break, because you need a break and see if he steps up to look at himself.

Now you need to put it into practice and leave what sounds like a toxic relationship.

And a break with you not doing laundry and cooking!

This is quite the alarming turn in the situation, and makes me think food/no food is irrelevant.

He's very angry as he can't control you, your behaviour, what you wear, your career. Good. He shouldn't be able to. The fact you have modified yourself to try and keep him is deeply alarming.

You are right, you know you are facing a coercive control situation and you are standing against it and now receiving the wrath, the guilt, the 'poor me' your silence is hurting me narrative to get you to back down and submit to his unreasonable demands.

My main advice is keep safe, and leave when you can, luckily you don't live together and can just get out. Stop all domestic duties- what on earth are you doing behaving like his wife, and imagine you were his wife, doing all that domestic stuff with an angry man accusing you of things whilst you are working and trying to get on with your own life.

He's awful, you know it, please take action to preserve yourself, you sound insightful and sensible and probably have a great life ahead of you which is why he's very angry indeed.

Yes I have experienced very bad relationships, my childhood was awful with sexual abuse. My first husband battered me starting on pregnancy, I have another ex that I had to get a restraining order against.

I’ve read the books, I have done the therapy. I honestly thought this guy was different but he is getting worse and worse.

I realised last night that he is exactly like my first husband (minus the physical abuse) but commenting on my clothes, constant accusations, causing problems around work.