Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

Hmm, he probably isn't doing anything wrong, but encouraging her to be dependent isn't healthy for her. I personally would go a couple of times instead of him, rather than as well as him. Makes it clear that the jobs are possible for women, and also that the goodwill is coming from a married couple, rather than an individual man

Might be harmless, but I wouldn’t like it either. Being over there a few times per week plus frequent texting sounds a bit too much and I would say is inappropriate in this situation.

Do you think he’s enjoying the attention and being ‘needed’?

I do sometimes go, but I just feel so uncomfortable around her. I'll try and go more often.

That's what I think too, it feels inappropriate.
She has every opportunity to text me but doesn't. But to be fair I don't text her, although I'd feel strange doing this as we're not friends if you know what I mean.

Doesn't sound like he's actually doing anything untoward but she's certainly obsessed with him! Tell him the neighbours are talking.. you're not at all happy with it! Join the local bowls club and find some new friends.. I'll bet my house you being out and about will get his attention more focused!! She's taking the piss - don't be afraid to tell her to back off your husband.

Your DH needs a kick up the ass if you know what I mean

I think he's definitely enjoying the attention.i also wonder if he's enjoying how it's making me feel. Because he knows I feel uncomfortable and doesn't seem to want to stop.

I agree, I think it seems that she is keen on him. I have my own interests and hobbies, as does he. I've told him what the neighbour said, and I'm not happy, it's not made a jot of difference.

Sounds like he's trying to be her white knight, he gets all the validation he needs from her so why would he stop?

Is there really that much stuff that she needs doing that he's there so often?
3 or 4 times a week is a lot of time.

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck then its a duck.....

OP this sounds like affair or budding affair territory.

No decent husband repeatedly ignores and pisses off their wife in order to pay attention to another woman unless they are sexually interested in them.

Was just about to post exactly this.

im really sorry OP. It’s horrible for you.

You've hit the nail on the head, he definitely likes to be the Knight in shining armour and says he'd do the same for anyone. Except no one else texts or expects as much as she does......

I do wonder if the jobs etc are an excuse for him to go over? But I'm just not sure. If the boot was on the other foot and I was doing something that made him uncomfortable I'd definitely back off, stop, be mindful of his feelings. It's the fact he won't consider this that hurts me.

@AmberExpert Maybe she can consolidate all the jobs into an agreed once a week time slot where you and DP can both attend. Then, surely, if nothing untoward you’re all happy? Plus then you can also do some of the jobs for her/ show her how! Get DP to invite her round for a coffee with you both to suggest this, perhaps.

Also I’d be tempted to outright say to her when you’re next there that she can always message you for help, too! “Don’t forget you have my number too if you need anything!”

Can’t fathom why she has so many odd jobs though.

And that's just what I'm so scared of.
I don't think it's a physical affair at least I hope not. But there's an emotional element there.

Its the fact that he says she's such a good friend and neighbour that hurts me and he's not willing to back off.

Mmm.your gut is telling you something is off.

I am a big believer in gut feelings. I do think you have grounds for concern/being annoyed.

If your DH knows you are uncomfortable about this, but carries on, then he is BU.

She clearly likes the attention too! Surely she knows she's contacting and having diy visits from another woman's partner far too often!

I'd keep trying to have rational conversations with him. It clearly makes you uncomfortable and what if the boot were on the other foot? There needs to be compromise and he needs to see less of her and minimise the texting.

Can you give an example of the jobs he has been doing?
I still can't grasp how someone has so many jobs that need doing.

I agree that he should have agreed to stop going round as much when you said how uncomfortable it made you feel.

When you've been round while he is doing jobs what happens between you and rhe neighbour?
Do you chat or is she with your husband 'helping' with the job?

Thank you so much, it is horrible. I'm in pieces to be honest. And the fact that he gets so angry sometimes when I mention it doesn't help and makes me think there's more to it.

If she’s triggering his hero instinct then I’d say that’s a red flag. I get that as a woman on your own and having to do things for yourself it’s so lovely when there’s a willing man to help it makes you so appreciative. The fact she doesn’t include you too is also a red flag. As he hasn’t done anything about your concerns as unfair as it seems it might be time to think about psychologically out smarting him and start triggering those instincts towards you instead. I don’t envy your situation as the situation does sound like a prime state to start an affair. Other than this is he still affectionate towards you and do you do things together romantically?

Can you use the hospital visit as a chance to 'break the pattern'?

Could you reply from his phone and say 'Amber here, Mr Amber can't help this time' maybe offer to do it yourself (if you feel comfortable to do so) or even contact her yourself and suggest that he cuts down on additional chores to allow him recuperate fully?

Tricky one, but I think they both like the attention even if there nothing particularly untoward going on...

It’s inappropriate on her side and 3-4 times a week doesn’t sound reasonable. Alone. In her house. With a fit woman.
I would have exploded at him and hit the roof and send her a message being direct telling her to stop harassing my husband. I really do not give a f@ck about what either of them would think of that. I cannot tolerate being taken for a fool.

I'm not sure why there's so much either, which is a worry, but there's always something. If there's not then there's a text about something else.

I think your instincts are spot on.

I'm a single woman of the same age, and that sounds like budding affair territory to me too.

I wouldn't ask an unrelated man for help repeatedly unless I was hoping for more of his time.

I have exploded several times, and its caused some huge rows between us. And I am starting to feel a fool.