Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

Oh OP…it’s so hard to say based on cold, hard facts. And I don’t like to be judgemental or stereotypical. But I do think that we often have a sixth sense when it comes to things like this. Or maybe it’s just me. Every time someone has cheated on me (and sadly it’s been more than once) I knew. I just sensed it, it’s in the little things rather than the actions (unless caught red handed of course!) it’s in the way your OH acts towards you and talks about the other person or certain situations. A dead give away if being unavailable to answer the phone if you call when he’s there, or acting a bit “guarded” or even unusually happy. Likewise, there’s been situations with my DH when I could’ve had good reason to be jealous based on cold hard facts, but I just knew all was okay and it was. Trust your gut!

Oops sorry OP, just read the rest of the thread and see my last post was quite a moot point! Just wanted to say how well done and truly inspirational. So many women don’t manage to leave bad relationships. It was me for a while too.

hope your new home will be filled with peace and joy!

and just on the thinking of him moving on…count your blessings you dodged a bullet. My narcissistic ex ended up having a kid with my best friend (yes, really) and then abandoning them both completely. That way he ruined both her life and our friendship. These types of men are so convincing and charming at first and then they ruin your life. Well done for spotting him for what he was and getting away. It takes a long time to recover precious because the “good times” with these charming narcissists are so good. If you miss him or get a wobble, just remind yourself of all the bad stuff and you’ll be back to knitting happily in peace.

Thank you @leftorrightnow the more I read about narcissistic personalities the more I see my ex fitted the bill. The script of lovebombing, triangulation then the devalue and discard phase was followed to a tee. I thought I was an intelligent(ish) switched on woman, but my goodness I was taken right in by him. And as much as I know I did the right thing to leave, it pains me even more to say I still sometimes think it was my fault, I wasn’t enough, I should have been different, better, more….

You ARE different, better, more- and you proved it when you left and stayed gone.

He does not know how to deal with you because you were strong enough to walk away. You have more power than he realized. You're different because he ultimately couldn't control you. And you're better, SO much better and stronger than you ever knew. He knows that, now.

You remember that. That's what's important, not what he ever thought or will think of you!

To quote a 70's movie, "What's behind me is not important."

It's all open roads from here. 😉

@leftorrightnow sorry I was wallowing a bit last night and didn’t even acknowledge what your ex did to you, that’s truly awful and I’m sorry that you went through it. How long are you on the ‘other side’? It’s still such early days for me, sometimes I’m buoyed up with the fact I’ve left and in the grand scheme of it it wasn’t a long relationship, although we lived together we weren’t married and didn’t have kids, other times I think I’ll never recover. We need a narcissistic ex survivors club! Hope you are thriving and living a happy, peaceful life now x

Thank you @beenwhereyouare had a bit of a down day yesterday, and felt like I was wallowing in misery, but your words have helped. I was strong enough to walk away, to maintain the no contact and to start to create a life I want. I need to remember that and focus on it. I have a lot to be thankful for.
thank you again for your kind words and support 💕

That’s the thing - with narcissists, it doesn’t matter how smart and capable you are, in fact, they often go for strong and successful women as they’re all about image and how others see them. With my ex, he was so intense and so charming, and love bombed me intensely. I was young when we got together, early twenties, and we were “only” together for four years. But when I look back, I can see the signs of his manipulations right from the start. I recall once he called me and said he couldn’t make it to come see me (back then we lived in separate cities) as planned, and I was so disappointed, and then around 9pm there was a knock on the door and it was him and he was like “surprise!” I was so happy to see him I didn’t think anymore about it back then, but now I see that behaviors like that - creating drama and suspense and then solving it himself to manipulate my emotions (not to mention creating a feeling of uncertainty) is textbook narcissism. He was always calling me “deluded”, that was his favorite word for me, and was jealous and controlling. Once he thrashed my whole room in the flat I shared w friends because I had chatted to another guy for “too long” on a night out. Yet, I felt it was my fault and that maybe I had chatted to him too long! It was so messed up.
He was all about himself and his own needs, always.

What gave me strength to leave was once when I was traveling alone (he was very angry about this and practically ruined my whole trip with jealous emails and phone calls) and I got quite sick with food poisoning and in my fever cramps I suddenly saw an image of him sitting next to me in a hospital bed and is having had a baby together, and my whole being just screamed “no!!” And I knew I had to stop that from ever becoming reality. I had to move to a different country to gather the strength to leave him. Once I left him he changed 100 pct and became the courteous charming man I fell in love with, pleading with me to come back. I nearly gave in a few times, but I had a “store” of mental images to put me off it I used: his angry face shouting at me, my thrashed room, all the times he ruined nice occasions with his moods and jealousy.

yet, I missed him SO much and part of me always fantasized I’d run Into him again once I moved back to London. When he got w my friend I was devastated and almost jealous, DESPITE being then happily married to my now DH and the mother of a gorgeous baby. I even wrote about it here in MN and everyone gave me a telling off for being ridiculous to still have feelings for such a messed up person. Back then I hadn’t put two and two fully together of what he was. But that’s the things with charming narcissists, they truly screw with your mind, it’s like a toxic spell. You can’t help it and it’s not your fault, they’re predators and anyone can fall victim to their mind games. Especially though, if one of your parents are a narcissist, which is the case for me, because that makes you more prone to wanting to please. Maybe explore your own family history to see if there’s pattern? Doesn’t have to be, can happen to anyone, but if there is, may help you understand things better.

you have to treat him like toxic waste, and avoid contact with him as much as possible. Any contact at all is harmful to you. They’re harmful to everyone but more than anything to people who’ve been attached to them and wounded by them before as they know all your weak spots.

when my ex got w my friend I couldn’t stand seeing all her Facebook updates about their relationship (she was firmly under his spell back then and believed all he told her about me being “crazy” - even after us being friends for 15 years! ) so I blocked her. After I did that, he called me up out of the blue (this is 7 years after I left him!) and started accusing me of being jealous of them and saying I was crazy - the first thing he said on the call was “so I see you got married, that was a big old surprise!” And then continued on to mock my daughters name. It was mad, just hearing his voice after so many years immediately made me feel out of control and so angry and I remember shouting at him down the phone in the middle of the street. I then came to my senses and coldly said “this conversation is over, I wish you both well but I can’t be part of this”. (As what he wanted was for me to be HAPPY for them and be their friend still). And then I hung up.

when the kid was 1 year old he left them both and he now has no contact with my ex-friend or the kid at all. His name for my “ex” friend in her phone was apparently “cunt”. Imagine. the mother of his child!

I tried to continue a relationship w my friend but it was just too weird to see the kid resemble him so much and to share that awkward story. So not only did he damage me psychologically, he also took a friend away from me.

It is now 15 years since I left him!!! And I’m firmly out of the woods from all this. But it has taken so long to unravel the toxic control he had on my mind.

please don’t blame yourself EVER. You’re so strong to leave this bastard.

stay strong and remember you’re amazing, strong and life is full of joy and beauty and it’s yours for the taking. Explore things that make you happy and really find your own things - follow your true sense of joy and do whatever brings you joy. It’s so important to rediscover your sense of self after your mid has been colonized by a narcissist.

sending sympathy and strength your way ❤️❤️❤️

Ps: this was already really long, sorry! But I forgot to mention that of course he also cheated on me, and only stopped the affair once I threatened to leave him. Tbh, that part wasn’t even the worst, so forgot to mention it!

@leftorrightnow that sounds absolutely hideous for you, I’m so sorry. A lot of it rings true for me too. Luckily we live a long way apart now, so it’s highly likely I’ll ever see him again which is a blessing. He did try and reel me back in once, but I shut it down and I’ve not heard from him for months, to be honest I think he’ll have already moved onto the neighbour. I wont be any use to him now so there’s no point him contacting me.

Thank goodness we are both free from the toxicity of these awful relationships.