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Original poster

Really need an outside perspective please.

459 replies

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 05:56

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

OP posts:
renomeno · 04/05/2024 06:39

Are you in a position to book a longish holiday together and give you both a chance to reconnect?

Im a big fan of Ester Perel and many of her theories are about the strength of our connections with partners...

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 06:39

Meadowfinch · 04/05/2024 06:37

I think your instincts are spot on.

I'm a single woman of the same age, and that sounds like budding affair territory to me too.

I wouldn't ask an unrelated man for help repeatedly unless I was hoping for more of his time.

That's what I'm so scared of. I know if I was in the same position I wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 06:40

renomeno · 04/05/2024 06:39

Are you in a position to book a longish holiday together and give you both a chance to reconnect?

Im a big fan of Ester Perel and many of her theories are about the strength of our connections with partners...

Unfortunately we're not able to get away at the moment.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 06:45

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 05:56

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

God this is awful.

Definitely go with him and while you’re there say - “let me have a go” and show her you can also do the job - so she can too - it’s not a ‘man job’. Also tell her in front of your husband that if she can’t do these jobs to let YOU know as you’ll happily do them for her when you’re free - it might highlight the fact she’s being ridiculous at playing damsel in distress and also that she will actively be pursuing your husband if she doesn’t take you up on it. If she tells you she wouldn’t want to put you out - you can say “But you can my husband?”

People usually do things for a reason.

Your husband is either flattered, interested or being given and ego boost that he is ‘needed’ by someone, regardless of it being another female.

Is the relationship equal? Or are you afraid at speaking out and criticising him? Does he tolerate you criticising this woman? If he gets defensive of her I suspect you have a problem.

Have you tried asking him to do
jobs for YOU? What would his reaction be if your requests were as frequent as hers? Who gets priority? If these jobs are encroaching on your time together say this. Suggest and invite him out of the house and if he tells you he’s doing a job for her or to go on your own straight up ask him why she is owed his time but you are not. What is he getting out of it? Do go with him though as often as you can bc this might put her off.

What you need to do though is have it out with her. Face to face.

If your husband and she are having or about to have an affair then it will make no difference to the outcome - it won’t push them together if it’s already on the cards but it will give her the verbal slap she has coming to her for treating you like an utter fool.

You are NOT being unreasonable. Once a month would be fairly frequent in terms of helping a neighbour do a job - 3/4 times A WEEK is insane.

You are sitting back and letting her get away with it and if your husband gets angry and tells you he’s going to leave then better that than watch him slowly leave you over the course of weeks/months, which is what he would do anyway. Speak to mutual friends and get their perspective. Show her up for the type of woman she is. She may back off if she senses ppl are talking about her. But I do think you should highlight what you have on here and ask why she is contacting a married man so regularly when she spent contact you, his wife. Put her on the spot. Be more assertive. I can tell you now she doesn’t give a fig for your feelings and is seeking to replace you, so bloody call her out on this shocking behaviour.

At the very least ask her how she would have felt if her husband did this. And wait for her answer. Don’t feel sorry for her, she has blatantly got your husband in her sights to replace him. Ask your own husband how he’d feel if the boot was on the other foot too. I suspect he’s a bully and you’re probably scared of him. In which case she may be doing you a favour.

Be strong and Good luck x

-edited for typos

Lurkingandlearning · 04/05/2024 06:55

@sheoaouhra was spot on. Their reaction to you going to help her on your own will tell you all you need to know.

The jobs you mentioned are things she could do herself, especially the dog walking, which presumably she’s already been doing every day

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 06:57

@Sceptical123 it's awful. I feel awful. Most of the stuff he does I couldn't do, so couldn't offer my services, so to speak!

I have criticised her to him, and it usually ends in a row. He just says he's not interested I'm jealous, insecure etc etc. Usually we get on well but this is causing us significant issues. Well me significant issues. I've opened up to one person IRL and she says it's not on and she'd feel the same, but I wasn't sure if she was saying that to agree with me, which is why I posted on here.

I'm not sure if I could say anything to her, I just don't think I'd want the confrontation.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:00

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/05/2024 06:24

Mmm.your gut is telling you something is off.

I am a big believer in gut feelings. I do think you have grounds for concern/being annoyed.

If your DH knows you are uncomfortable about this, but carries on, then he is BU.

Thank you, I feel.its too much, but when I speak to OH he just can't or won't see that there's a problem.

OP posts:
SoundTheSirens · 04/05/2024 07:02

Oh, it’s always a fit / attractive / interesting woman, isn’t it? These oh-so-willing husbands never seem to fall over themselves to do jobs 3-4 times a week for the single bloke over the road 🙄

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:03

AlexandraJJ · 04/05/2024 06:28

If she’s triggering his hero instinct then I’d say that’s a red flag. I get that as a woman on your own and having to do things for yourself it’s so lovely when there’s a willing man to help it makes you so appreciative. The fact she doesn’t include you too is also a red flag. As he hasn’t done anything about your concerns as unfair as it seems it might be time to think about psychologically out smarting him and start triggering those instincts towards you instead. I don’t envy your situation as the situation does sound like a prime state to start an affair. Other than this is he still affectionate towards you and do you do things together romantically?

I know i see so many red flags here myself. Most of the time we get on fine, and we do things together, but this is taking up a lot of my headspace at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:04

SoundTheSirens · 04/05/2024 07:02

Oh, it’s always a fit / attractive / interesting woman, isn’t it? These oh-so-willing husbands never seem to fall over themselves to do jobs 3-4 times a week for the single bloke over the road 🙄

I know, it feels like a cliche. To be fair is he very helpful to other people, its just they don't text, ask, request his time like she does.

OP posts:
Hugosmaid · 04/05/2024 07:05

He is enjoying the attention of her and it’s probably giving him a lovely little ego boost.

3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:07

Just say ‘I do trust you, I don’t trust her’

She is up to no good, and you know it.

YOUR INSTINCTS ARE RIGHT!!!!

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:08

renomeno · 04/05/2024 06:31

Can you use the hospital visit as a chance to 'break the pattern'?

Could you reply from his phone and say 'Amber here, Mr Amber can't help this time' maybe offer to do it yourself (if you feel comfortable to do so) or even contact her yourself and suggest that he cuts down on additional chores to allow him recuperate fully?

Tricky one, but I think they both like the attention even if there nothing particularly untoward going on...

To be honest I thought that might have helped break the cycle but it's not. He's ok now so can't really use that as a reason. Besides which he wouldn't want me to.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:09

Well he has to make a choice then. No way can this continue.

justbegoodforme · 04/05/2024 07:12

If you've time and resources, book a holiday for you both - or brave it alone if he won't come!

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:13

3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:07

Just say ‘I do trust you, I don’t trust her’

She is up to no good, and you know it.

YOUR INSTINCTS ARE RIGHT!!!!

I have said this to him multiple times, but he says if she tried anything she's get the brush off from him and she'd end up losing their friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:14

3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:09

Well he has to make a choice then. No way can this continue.

He's already said he's not done anything wrong so won't stop going round to help her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:15

justbegoodforme · 04/05/2024 07:12

If you've time and resources, book a holiday for you both - or brave it alone if he won't come!

Unfortunately that's not an option at the moment for us.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:19

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:14

He's already said he's not done anything wrong so won't stop going round to help her.

Show quote history

Yes and when she lunges at him, is he going to come home and say ‘I’m sorry, you were actually correct’ and apologise for making you feel a bit crazy and jealous all along?

Or does he ignore things you say all the time? I would feel I was not being listened to in this situation.

WildFlowerBees · 04/05/2024 07:20

Difficult for you, I'd say to him that you trust him however should he decide to embark on a clandestine affair because his head has been turned by a woman who apparently can't do anything for herself to remember how much it will hurt you, that it will most definitely end your relationship. If after he's thought about that and still decides the grass is greener then she is welcome to him.

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:22

3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:19

Yes and when she lunges at him, is he going to come home and say ‘I’m sorry, you were actually correct’ and apologise for making you feel a bit crazy and jealous all along?

Or does he ignore things you say all the time? I would feel I was not being listened to in this situation.

Show quote history

I definitely don't feel listened too, he is making me feel really upset and like I'm the unreasonable one.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:23

There is a name for that.

SortingItOut · 04/05/2024 07:23

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 06:57

@Sceptical123 it's awful. I feel awful. Most of the stuff he does I couldn't do, so couldn't offer my services, so to speak!

I have criticised her to him, and it usually ends in a row. He just says he's not interested I'm jealous, insecure etc etc. Usually we get on well but this is causing us significant issues. Well me significant issues. I've opened up to one person IRL and she says it's not on and she'd feel the same, but I wasn't sure if she was saying that to agree with me, which is why I posted on here.

I'm not sure if I could say anything to her, I just don't think I'd want the confrontation.

If your partner cared he would want to reassure you and certainly wouldn't call you jealous or insecure.

There's definitely something more going on.

My ex husband has White Knight Syndrome and it's caused no end of issues for him but he doesn't want to change as he has low self-esteem so it gives him validation and an ego boost even at the detriment of his own daughter😡

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:24

3luckystars · 04/05/2024 07:23

There is a name for that.

I'm not sure what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 07:26

SortingItOut · 04/05/2024 07:23

If your partner cared he would want to reassure you and certainly wouldn't call you jealous or insecure.

There's definitely something more going on.

My ex husband has White Knight Syndrome and it's caused no end of issues for him but he doesn't want to change as he has low self-esteem so it gives him validation and an ego boost even at the detriment of his own daughter😡

Show quote history

He does occasionally reassure me, but the more anxious I get the less reassuring he is. I feel like I'm just getting on his nerves. Its like he thinks he's told me there's nothing going on so get over it.....he can't understand how I'm feeling.

OP posts: