Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

It would be nice if it was within your control. Then you could change your behavior and solve the problem.

I don’t know why anyone is recommending that you speak to her. She has no place in your relationship and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

I would tell him that he’s making a fool of himself and a mockery of your relationship. That clearly the neighbors are noticing and it’s an embarrassment to have him at the beck and call of another woman. That if that’s the kind of relationship he wants to have with you, then you’ll need to think about your own next steps. He needs to get some self respect.

Then put on some Lizzo “Truth Hurts” and take back your own control. You can’t make him do anything but you don’t have to put up with this shit.

I wasn't being rude... I wondered what you wanted.
No matter the consequence you need to have this out with him and tell him you read that message... don't say anymore...let his mind work..he sleeps on sofa. Dont let him gaslight you over that message.

You are not crazy or mad AmberE, keep that thought with you. You are reasonable but this man will try to alter your reality.

We know exactly what you are going through, you must be exhausted, so you must look after yourself, do not be rushed into action, try to gather your strength, your decisions are yours.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but protect yourself as best you can and if you need advice ask.

Here for you

I know, I’m sorry if I came over as brusque, I didn’t mean to.

Logically I know what needs to happen, but it all feels so hard and so emotional right now, but the outside perspective here has been so helpful.

I feel so bad for you op, he's making an absolute fool of you and your marriage.

Regardless of what may or may not be going on with the neighbour he's completely disregarding your feelings and getting angry at you for having them. He's a narc, outwardly the white Knight, but to those closest a complete tosser. Also making you out to be crazy for being upset about it....hell no!!

He won't change, I'd be getting ducks lined up and kicking him to the kerb (or the neighbours). Get angry OP, I'm angry for you

*I don’t know why anyone is recommending that you speak to her. She has
no place in your relationship and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. *

Granted, the reason I suggested that (which I personally wouldn't do) is because this woman is a neighbour, a woman she has been in the home of with her husband, it's all very close quarters, hiding in plain sight. She may be able to give a large hint that she's getting too close to her husband.

In doing that, OP would be telling this woman that she’s got all the power and OP has none.

A good person wouldn’t do what this woman is doing. The neighbor doesn’t care about the OP’s feelings.

The woman's a piss taker. Unless she's a complete fool she knows what she's doing is out of order and most wives wouldn't like it. What a bitch. I'm single and would never do this because it's disrespectful. She's absolutely taking the piss out of you right under your nose. If I was you I think I'd all of a sudden have a man friend who needed me to go round and cook for him 3-4 times a week. I'd change a friend's contact details to a man's name and get her to text me lots for a week or something and pop round to see 'him' to help with something or other and make sure your husband knows. Don't care if it's childish, I'd play him at his own game and see how he likes it. Cheeky bastard not taking your feelings into account

It’s so important for him to be well liked but you don’t matter? You’re at the bottom of this three way relationship and it’s making you ill. Where’s his compassion for you?

OP you use a lot of derogatory words about yourself, why? Have these been said to you? You’ve posted on here because you couldn’t trust your own judgement, how long has you not being able to trust yourself been going on?

My sympathies OP.

I have been in a relationship in the past where he did the knight in shining armour act for everyone except me. Or, to correct that statement- for every other young woman except me. Going out of his way to help other women and then chastising me if it bothered me as he "was only helping". Riiight.

But isnt it funny how he's not helping out any elderly neighbours or middle aged men, it's always the attractive women who seem to need his "help". Funny that, as if it was genuine "just helping" surely he'd be helping everyone, not only attractive women! He loves the attention and he loves that he can actually get this validation with an in built excuse of "you've no right to be jealous because on the surface it appears I'm super helpful and kind". Urgh it just makes me sick.

He's made it clear that you are bottom of his priority list and that him helping this stupid cow is more important to him that his own partner's feelings. What kind of woman allows him to do this too?!- I'd never dream of texting a man who was in a relationship and expecting him to come round 4 times a week to help me walk my dog and to have cosy chats over coffee- WTAF??

I think you really need to consider what this relationship is actually giving you apart from anxiety and insecurity- you deserve way better than this.

If you do end up leaving him, take heart that once this woman ends up in your place, he'll do exactly the same thing to her because it will no longer be exciting and new, she'll be put in the place you are in now and he'll be seeking out some other validation from elsewhere. This woman isnt special or unique or incredible, she's just a stupid fool who cant recognise that if he can do it with her, he'll do it to her. I hope both of them get their comeuppance and you find someone amazing.

I know that if I spoke to my husband about something like this he would stop doing it, and he’s really not a particularly considerate man!

I don’t know what to advise you but I’d say you have good reason to feel the way you do.

He has never been violent towards me, but has a real temper and can flare up very suddenly. Other times he can be as nice as pie. I still feel very much that I should have been a bit more laid back about it and that my upset and me being so bothered about it has made things worse.

These thoughts aren’t real. They’re just your brain trying to process things. You do have agency here although I know it doesn’t feel like it. You can tell him to leave, or leave yourself if only temporarily.

Him being abusive is reason enough to tell him to get out.

I definitely don’t trust my judgement at all. When I raised the fact that I thought she was getting to dependent on him, and that I felt uncomfortable about the nature of the texts and visits, he has said I’m crazy, insecure, needy, childish, I don’t trust him. He has made me feel like what he’s doing is entirely reasonable and I’m the mad, crazy woman. I honestly don’t know whether I’m coming or going and feel like this is all my fault.

Not a lot of compassion for me I’m afraid.

I’m starting to think about what I’m getting out of the relationship, and it’s not looking that great. Lots of other stuff that I’ve squashed down and ignored, and I’m starting to think I need to put myself first.

Oh lovely, you shouldn't have to deny the way you feel in order to placate him. How you feel is valid - no one would be laid back about what is going on and he is totally gaslighting you by saying you're the one in the wrong. You're not. I know it's a lot to take in and you need time. It's scary to think about breaking up and untangling all the ties that bind you together. But if you stay and he continues to treat you this way, can you really live with that? I think you would be comprising too much of yourself if you do 😔

I really feel for you OP and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to expect him not to spend so much time helping out the neighbour.

My DH has been like this and I often feel bottom of the pile. He's 90% a decent guy, but has a really selfish streak and if he wants to do something, he will do it, no matter how much it upsets me. Lots of things have gone on over the years and I really don't know why I'm still with him, but if I was in your position I would start to get tough with him, without becoming emotional and tell him it's got to stop, or your relationship is over. He'll become angry, but stand your ground. If it helps I would write him a letter and spell out in bullet points a lot of things PP have pointed out, basically no matter how much he says it's innocent, it's disrespectful to you and if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't be happy about you spending so much time 'helping' a male neighbour!

It can't be an empty threat though and you obviously need to think very carefully if you can go through with it, but the alternative is to carry on living as you are and I hate to say it, but it does look possible they could be heading for an affair. Why would he be spending so much time there if he wasn't interested in her?

@AmberExpert i used to have a DH who loved to be the hero, leaving me behind. Remarkably, the heroics were always directed towards single women, usually junior colleagues.

I remember racing home from work one extremely busy Friday as we were going to a black tie dinner, and he had already left so he could be there so ‘single M wouldn’t have to arrive on her own.’ (Obviously, I arrived on my own.)

His behaviour was always to be there for other people. One wedding we went to, he ignored me all night to buy drinks and dance with all the single ladies, to the extent that an older single aunt asked if I’d like to sit at her table.

Years later when we had children, the white knight couldn’t get home before bedtime four nights a week.

Eventually, I booked marriage counselling, and told him either he come with me or I’d go on my own. Of course, he was furious at my unreasonableness. Ultimately, the saviour in him had found someone who absolutely basked in his halo, and by that point, our relationship was doomed.

Took me years to get over the abandonment, and he is now engaged to a besotted woman who is thrilled to be his chosen one.

The only control I had was to force the counselling, after which I could say I had done all I could on a unwinnable situation. It certainly leaves a sour taste in the mouth to feel disenfranchised by someone who loves so much to feel important that he will abandon the person he has married. You just have to create a make-or-break scenario (in my case, counselling), and stick to your principles. In my case, he said he chose to stay, but his actions were to go, so as soon as I had proof, that was the end.

with the benefit of hindsight, was insisting on counselling a fool’s errand? Yes, as it transpired, and arguable I dragged out my own horror, but I can hold my head up and say I communicated clearly, I created a safe space for dialogue, I gave every chance, and I did nothing wrong. But I tried, and I lost, and I figured out my next steps.

Knowing where your line in the sand is, and being faithful to yourself, is the best advice I can give you 💐

I wonder what he is saying to her, how she could possibly think this is acceptable. As for him, he knows he is being unreasonable, he really does, but he just doesn't care.
When you feel ready make your plans, I wouldn't bother saying another word to him about it - let him stay busy and distracted helping her while you focus on you and your life moving forwards - without him.
Get the house valued, sort your finances and maybe look at some counselling to help you through.
He doesn't deserve you.

Do you and your husband still have sex? Is everything else right in the marriage? I would not allow this. I think it's a massive red flag that he refuses to stop seeing her. So what options do you have? Call his bluff and tell him he either stops seeing her or you separate. Go and speak to this woman yourself and tell her to stop using your husband as a handy man because it's out of order and inappropriate? Play them at their own game and go over there every single time he goes and sit there making them both uncomfortable? Do nothing? I don't envy you but I think you are making a massive mistake if you choose to do nothing.

@SleepPrettyDarling you didn't lose at all. You freed yourself from a nightmare. What a dreadful man.

I expect his new partner will feel the chill of his indifference pretty soon as he seeks out new adoration from all the helpless damsels out there.

I’m so sorry you went through this, and I hope you are in a happier place now. It’s a horrible way to live isn’t it.

Thank you, I do feel like I’ve given up so much of myself already, compromised and sold my soul too many times to make him happy.

I know, it’s not acceptable at all. I’ve said this to my OH many times, but not got anywhere. I have tried to keep busy and not think about it, but it’s not worked and I am constantly thinking about it when he goes over there.