Really need an outside perspective please.

[AmberExpert]

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

The biggest problem is the dismissal of your worries and upset. Ask him why that is

And why the hell does she need him to walk the dog?

Has she the money to pay for all of these jobs?

There’s quite a few posts advising the op to behave in a similarly inappropriate way, but the op has said he blows up at her for expressing her feelings. So although it is tempting to give him a taste of his own medicine it may not be safe to do so. He is emotionally abusing the op and gaslighting her.

Also his emotional investment in the op is low, and high towards the ow. He has already considered that this might bring about the end of his relationship and he’s ok with that. Once the sparkles and rainbows wear off, he might feel differently. But for now the ow is more important to him.

The op needs to get her ducks in a row and ensure she is not being financially abused and her home is safe. There’s a possibility her partner has already sought legal advice and already has a plan.

Thanks everyone for all your words of wisdom and support, I’ve read the posts several times and just letting it all sink in.

Regarding asking me to do the same and asking a man to help us a definite no from me, I just wouldn’t do it and wouldn’t stoop to this level.

If I’m truthfully honest with myself, he can be unkind and not put me or my feelings first in other ways, and diminishes what I say or my feelings. He isn’t always respectful and I am starting to think this is the beginning of the end for us. I’m heart broken.

He has definitely been guilty of this in the past, and I’ve been guilty of letting him get away with it. I’ve told him multiple times how much it upsets me. He mostly gets angry and tells me I can’t tell him what to do or who he can see, and that there’s nothing going on and I’ve got to “get over it”. I know it sounds awful writing that down, but that’s what he says. Occasionally he is loving and kind and tells me he loves me and no one else, but mainly I feel like I’m just annoying him.

So sorry. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch does he, when you look at it logically. Give him a prime example of what respect looks like by respecting yourself and ending it. Don’t wait for him to do it to you.

I know, god it sounds awful, which is why I’ve not really spoken about it in RL as I thought people would think I was crazy, unhinged or controlling.
He is so kind and helpful to everyone else no one would think he’s like this with me.

There’s the answer to your problem then. Please don’t undervalue yourself anymore.

edit/your

Are you heartbroken for what you thought you had? Understandable. It’s time to toughen up and get angry and into action.
He has no respect for you and your feelings whatsoever.
Any type of ultimatum or further conversation is going to fall on deaf ears; it’s time for you to do you.
it’s not like you haven’t given him enough warning.
Your gut is spot on.
good luck 💐

I can think of 2 options.
The first is you fill his time doing things for you and people you know.
The second is tell him that what he's been doing is a deal breaker for you so if he doesn't stop going visiting her and texting her, you're off.

You are not even remotely off base here. In a loving relationship your feelings about this would be paramount. It’s not his sister or mom, or some obligation you are asking him to ignore, it’s a stupid attention seeking neighbor.

If he wasn’t being a dismissive ass I’d give him the benefit of doubt that he was just being an idiot and didn’t understand how underhanded and manipulative some women will be. But because he’s responding with anger I think he knows it’s very wrong of him.

My EXDP treated me with contempt and constantly criticised me. Any time I challenged him he became defensive and quite often stonewalled me.

Your DH is already there, and making no attempt to reverse the situation, meaning the relationship is already over. Sorry OP, it sounds like this OW is his priority now, even if nothing has happened between them (yet).

It sounds like you would be much better off out of this relationship OP. Don't stay with someone who treats you badly. Find your self-respect and your backbone and put an end to it. Tell him to buy you out of the house or sell up. Then take your half and start afresh away from this selfish man and his fancy woman (as my mum would say!)

This OP. You’ve got so much good life left ahead of you just waiting for you to do this. Anything else would just be a variation of the ‘pick me’ dance. I’ve been thinking about you on and off all day. It really looks like he’s hiding (the affair) in plain sight.

Men can be very easily led and this sounds as if what is happening here. He's enjoying his coffees with her - she's new, she chats about different things, he can be a new person too. Coffee is the age old word for illicit time! I'm not saying they are having sex but he will be enjoying this attention. As Shirley Glass would say he's opening a window into your marriage and that is dangerous. Don't think that I'm saying the woman is the predator here and he is an unwilling participant. He sounds very willing. What to do? I'd try to engineer a little chat with her.

I would be uncomfortable with this. She clearly is lonely and enjoys his company. But even if it is innocent, it is not appropriate. How would he like it if you were doing the same with a male neighbour.
I would go with him in future, and ask your partner that she finds someone else to do her odd jobs such as a local handyman, as you are missing spending time with him that you can’t get back. They both should respect your feelings on this.

I'm fuming for you, also sad as your idiot of a husband is throwing everything away.

How long have you been together ?

This woman is bad news, no one needs jobs doing that often and he doesn't get paid ? Wow.

Stop being a mug, and stop doing anything for him.
Fuck his dinner, and everything else you do in the family home, grey rock him and go to see a solicitor, ducks in a row, he's forcing this, what a stupid man he is.

A hand hold, you have a battle on your hands, so take good care of yourself.

I think she's really out of order and definitely knows what she's doing, but he is your biggest problem.

He doesn't sound very nice anyway - I think these Knight in Shining Armour types often aren't nice to their own family. They need public admiration and that's a weakness that can never be cured.

I would prepare for a life without him, personally. I know you shouldn't have to separate but he's not committing himself to you, is he? Even if you could somehow persuade the woman to back off (though that makes me think of Jolene) then it wouldn't be his decision and it's likely someone else would come along in the meantime.

I wouldn't want to stay in the house and have to look over at her house every day. I'd get the house up for sale and move to another area.

@MILTOBE definitely agree with knights in shining armour not being very nice to their own families.

It is all about the performance. The public persona.

My stbxh was all about the public thinking he was amazing. He was often an utter shit to me behind closed doors.

And when news of his abuse got out into the public domain (recordings, assault conviction), the smear campaign against me went into overdrive. He even attempted suicide or said he did. Who knows the truth?

His PR campaign has worked though.

Anyway, op. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is vile.

Yep- all this. He's clearly getting off on the attention and praise and validation from her. Its a bit pathetic really and you can bet if you were doing this for a male neighbour he suddenly wouldnt be so keen on it- I'd lay money on it.

I'd be telling him calmly, I am not comfortable with this and if you wont stop and respect that then I will have got consider if our relationship can go on. This isnt occasional- this is multiple times per week. They may not have crossed a sexual boundary yet but my guess is, it will happen.

*@MILTOBE definitely agree with knights in shining armour not being very nice to their own families.

It is all about the performance. The public persona. *

It's a huge red flag in my opinion, whenever I hear those immortal words "he'll do anything for anyone"
I've never known a wife be happy with one of these sorts.

Anyway op, I hope you are ok, the validation on this thread must be making you incredibly angry and with that I am worried that your anger may incite his anger. Do not be afraid to call the police if there is ANY aggression.

You have been placed in an impossible situation, you have now appealed to him many times to take your feelings into consideration and he has shown you no understanding and ignored your wishes. I'm afraid he's forcing you into action or inaction.

With action comes anger, with innaction comes depression, there is no win for you.

You have a nuber of options, go and see her and tell her to back off, this is humilliating and it also presents a problem with her telling neighbours you are a jealous unstable woman, for that reason you should be getting evidence such as screen shots of her correspondance to your h.

If you decide to not do that but call him out and tell others, he will present his smear campaign, these are his neighbours and he will want to keep his reputation in tact, he will take you down and throw you under the bus for his rep. You need evidence.

The next step is family, do you have children, inlaws, this may become a battle between families, do not trust his side to have your back.

*I'm really sorry this is happening to you, it's all so familliar to many of us on here, if only he could see sense is what you are thinking, well I hope he does but in the meantime I would stop sexual relations and get tested, you are not with someone who is safe at present.
*

Thank you again for all your kindness and support, I’m so over whelmed. I was really expecting to be told that I was being unreasonable, controlling and of course men and women can have a friendship, it’s me and not him…..

He has never been violent towards me, but has a real temper and can flare up very suddenly. Other times he can be as nice as pie. I still feel very much that I should have been a bit more laid back about it and that my upset and me being so bothered about it has made things worse.

It is so important to him that he is well liked, well thought of and that people like him. If we split up no one would think he was like this.

I couldn’t say anything to the neighbour, although I think she must know how I feel towards her, I’m sure she would label me as unhinged.

Deep down I don’t want to split up, but I can’t go on like this for much longer, I’m having terrible anxiety and palpitations. But I just keep thinking if I’d handled it better he’d be different, or hope that he’ll change. I feel so empty and unhappy.

If deep down you dont want to split up... what can we say?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but so glad you’ve found support on this forum.

🩷

Thank you, it’s been really helpful, and as much as I’m hurting right now, it’s given me some clarity on moving forward.

I didn’t go into the relationship thinking it would end, I don’t think anyone does. I don’t want to split up, but neither can I carry on. This thread has shown me that I’m not unbalanced, unreasonable or crazy and that I need to start thinking about myself and putting my feelings first. It’s been full of support and compassion for which I’m eternally greatful.