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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need an outside perspective please.

459 replies

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 05:56

First time poster, long-time lurker. Really need some impartial advice as I've no one I can speak too IRL. it's going to be a long one, so you might need a coffee and some biscuits....

Me and my OH are in our early 50s, not married. He's very friendly, outgoing and would do anything for anyone. There's a lady who lives near us who is a similar age to us, widowed three or four years ago. Recently she's started to regularly ask my OH to do jobs for her, putting pictures up, odd jobs around the house, doing gardening, walking her dog, the list goes on. It feels a bit like she says jump and he says how high.... She texts him regularly and will also send other non related texts such as photos of places she's at or events that she's attending or just general how are you texts. She sent a text last weekend saying 'Happy friday' with a picture of a walk she was on. He has recently been admitted to hospital for a few days and she has been texting to see how he is, sending him get well wishes etc. I saw her briefly during this time and was suprised at her level of concern for him.

When he's doing these jobs they always end in a coffee and a chat and he can be there a while. She is fit and active for her age, and I suspect she can do some of these jobs herself. She sometimes offers to pay him but not very often and will sometimes give him a bottle of wine. One of our neighbours commented recently that it's a good job I'm not a jealous person as he spends such a lot of time at her house!

I know her reasonably well, we've got each others mobile number, but she never texts me about anything, its always my OH. He will sometimes ask me to join him when he goes round, sometimes I go, but not often. I don't feel particularly comfortable around her, I'm not sure why, it's unusual for me to be like this.

I have voiced my concerns that she is becoming more 'needy' for want of a better word, and I feel uncomfortable about the amount of time he spends around there, as this is increasing to 3 or 4 times a week. He has told me that he doesn't fancy he's happy to help her, she's a good friend and neighbour and that I'm being paranoid.

Sometimes we can have a rational conversation about this, other times he blows up at me and can get very angry at me and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him, but I find the texting and requests for help excessive.

I'm not sure what to think if I'm honest, my gut feeling is that there is something off, I think she likes to have him doing all this for her, she says things like I'm lucky to have a man who can. And if I'm honest I think my OH likes the attention from her.

I've asked if he'll perhaps back off a bit, but he says he's not doing anything wrong and he'll continue to help her. I feel a bit like he's not really considering my feelings, but then I think am I being unreasonable, he's only helping a neighbour?

Please could you give me your honest opinions and if I just need to accept its a friendship and I've nothing to worry about.

thank you if you got this far, sorry its so long.

OP posts:
ThehillIwilldieupon · 04/05/2024 07:29

He's made it clear he won't stop whatever his relationship is with her. Regardless of your own feelings. So you need to take action.

Listen to your gut. Even if he's not cheating, he is ignoring your concerns about their relationship and discarding your feelings to act in his own self serving interests. That is a shit parter.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would be considering ending the marriage over such disrespectful behaviour. My ex cheated on me and left me for another women and there were too many times I ignored my gut instinct on things like this. Tell him you'd like him to move out for a while to allow you time to reevaluate your marriage.

ontheflighttosingapore · 04/05/2024 07:35

I would warn her off tbh

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 07:37

AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 06:57

@Sceptical123 it's awful. I feel awful. Most of the stuff he does I couldn't do, so couldn't offer my services, so to speak!

I have criticised her to him, and it usually ends in a row. He just says he's not interested I'm jealous, insecure etc etc. Usually we get on well but this is causing us significant issues. Well me significant issues. I've opened up to one person IRL and she says it's not on and she'd feel the same, but I wasn't sure if she was saying that to agree with me, which is why I posted on here.

I'm not sure if I could say anything to her, I just don't think I'd want the confrontation.

You are in an awful situation and my heart goes out to you, truly. They are both taking advantage of your non-confrontational nature and taking the proverbial piss.

It is easy for us to advise from behind a screen but your options are to accept it - hope one or both of them will come
to their senses and it will eventually stop, but that is incredibly unlikely without an intervention of some kind.

Or wait for him to finally leave you for her. This could be drawn out over a short or excruciatingly long period where your mental and emotional state is in shreds by the end of it.

You say each time you bring it up it ends in a row. Ask him why this is. Why does he feel so emotional about it? It isn’t simply confusion or annoyance on his part but anger. There is strong emotion involved - why is that?

I think you need to ask him to have a calm discussion. If he says no, you can ask why he doesn’t want to do you the courtesy, as his wife, of having the respect and desire to listen to your concerns and what is upsetting you, and try to work through them. But then there’s your answer. Your feelings should be of his utmost concern. He should want to reassure you in a caring way because he loves you and doesn’t want you to be upset by his actions. If he agrees, try to calmly make him see how it is affecting you, that any person would feel the same, and ask him to consider his own feelings if the situation was reversed. If he tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re mad for being jealous and are insecure etc say you’re happy to ask for the opinion of others and hear what they have to say. He won’t want you sharing this bc he knows you have a point, but if he’s adamant he’s not in the wrong, then by his logic others will agree with him, so what his problem?

Excluding children, spouses should never put ppl outside of their marriage before the other. Why is this woman so important? What does she offer him that he feels you don’t? Why doesn’t he value you enough to put your concerns at ease and work towards a solution together as a couple? Why is he putting her first? Because that’s what he is doing by dismissing you and continuing to frequently interact with her, despite knowing it now upsets you. I’m assuming couples counselling would be completely off the cards.

Do you have anywhere you could go to to take some time out? You may fear this could push him towards this cold-hearted bitch woman in your absence, which it might, but in a way that’s probably a positive outcome as it would be speeding up the process (which would be inevitable either way) and spare you the prolonged misery of hoping and praying it doesn’t happen. I’m afraid if he is going to do it then he doesn’t care about you and he will do it regardless.. It’s frightening to consider life changing and being alone but he will not be a constant source of anxiety and sadness to you. Mental and emotional health is connected to physical health. It will be better for you physically to remove yourself (preferably him) from this situation. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about you.

A positive outcome from leaving for a few days would be you showing him what he stands to lose could be the jolt he needs to snap him out of this callous behaviour.

Try not to worry about pushing him away by speaking up. If he’s on that course already there is nothing you can do but delay the inevitable. If you don’t want to confront her share with your local/mutual friends. Ppl who care. Tell them it is making you ill and it will spread throughout your circles among the women and will reach her. Other than speaking to her yourself or your husband dropping contact, this is the one way that might make her take stock of what she stands to lose in her community and social standing and encourage her to back off. She may view your husband filling the gap of her departed one as worth it but at least you will know you have done everything you could.

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out for the best for you. It sounds like you may well be better off without him in the long run X

heldinadream · 04/05/2024 07:39

Whose house are you both living in @AmberExpert ? Because if it's yours, I honestly think I'd be considering giving him some kind of ultimatum. Stop giving neighbour so much attention or move out.
Not because he's got nefarious motives but because he's not listening to you, so he's taking you for granted and not concerned about how you feel about a serious ongoing situation that is distressing you.
So why would you continue housing him?
It would be interesting to see his reaction to you genuinely threatening the status quo.

She finds about 3 odd jobs a week for him? That's 150 things a year that she's incapable of doing herself or paying someone else to do. She having a larf!

Opentooffers · 04/05/2024 07:42

If you have had huge rows about it and nothing has changed from his side (in fact it sounds like the visits have ramped up) that tells you all you need to know about the level of care and concern he has for you. It's lower for you than her and she has already become top of the pecking order in his affections.
While it was a good sign that he has asked you to go round too, you are the one who felt like a third wheel, when really, she should be the one to feel like this. I'd of gone every time after that if possible, until she's the one that's uncomfortable. Has it been a while since you went? Have you been since you rowed about it. This may have developed further if he's putting her feelings before yours now. I'm wondering how the intimacy between you has been hit, there will be other signs? Effects on your love life?
TBH, he knows the score, has done nothing, now he needs consequences. Options are, saying straight that you think you should part ways, and arrange to move out - see how he reacts to that. Or maybe, book yourself a holiday for a couple of weeks without him. Tell him you consider this a break for you to both decide what you want, and therefore will not be contacting him at all while away.
It takes balls, and it might fling them together more while away. But you will get answers. It's a way for him to feel your loss and understand what's at stake.
While away, enjoy the peace, get some headspace for other things, and then think about what you are getting out of this relationship with him. However long you have been together, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy.

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 07:48

Opentooffers · 04/05/2024 07:42

If you have had huge rows about it and nothing has changed from his side (in fact it sounds like the visits have ramped up) that tells you all you need to know about the level of care and concern he has for you. It's lower for you than her and she has already become top of the pecking order in his affections.
While it was a good sign that he has asked you to go round too, you are the one who felt like a third wheel, when really, she should be the one to feel like this. I'd of gone every time after that if possible, until she's the one that's uncomfortable. Has it been a while since you went? Have you been since you rowed about it. This may have developed further if he's putting her feelings before yours now. I'm wondering how the intimacy between you has been hit, there will be other signs? Effects on your love life?
TBH, he knows the score, has done nothing, now he needs consequences. Options are, saying straight that you think you should part ways, and arrange to move out - see how he reacts to that. Or maybe, book yourself a holiday for a couple of weeks without him. Tell him you consider this a break for you to both decide what you want, and therefore will not be contacting him at all while away.
It takes balls, and it might fling them together more while away. But you will get answers. It's a way for him to feel your loss and understand what's at stake.
While away, enjoy the peace, get some headspace for other things, and then think about what you are getting out of this relationship with him. However long you have been together, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy.

Excellently put

fruitypancake · 04/05/2024 07:50

Fuck that shit is my first response - this needs to be nipped in the bud . He needs to consider your feelings and she needs to back the hell off !

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 07:55

Ok....ask him if he would be ok with you going to a guys house 3-4 times a week to help him out... and that that guy was always texting you and u excessively? Or if you helped a guy from work at his house 3-4x a week? If he says he would not mind, hes fibbing. Does he do work at your house? Xxxx

BlastedPimples · 04/05/2024 07:58

His strong reaction to your protests makes me think there's already something going on.

When they kick off, it's usually a bad sign.

It's crappy and so obvious and going on right in front of you.

RenoDakota · 04/05/2024 07:59

Really feel for you, OP.
In your position I would tell him that all the neighbours are talking about them and saying he is acting like a fool (even if they are not). Twats like this seem to care more about what other people think.
If he continues to double down and ignore your concerns and insult you then he is not worth your time.

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 07:59

....to add....my step dad had an affair with someone he used to go round and help...putting shelves up, diy etc. it didn't start as an affair but ended in one. Not saying your husband is but its there.
Personally, you cant stop him as he kicks off so id start going out without him and regularly, you don't need to tell him where you are going, he does as he pleases and so will you.. because telling him has nit changed a thing.

Gangof7 · 04/05/2024 08:05

He is putting their relationship before yours. What an idiot. Who has that many bloody jobs to do - her house must be falling apart.
I would show him this thread.

LightSpeeds · 04/05/2024 08:05

I'm wondering what sort of woman asks a man, who is in a relationship, to come over 3-4 times a week to do jobs and is also texting that bloke constantly even though he's IN A RELATIONSHIP.

She seems very tactless, overstepping and disrespectful to you.

The fact your OH doesn't give a toss about your feelings, too... none of this is good.

MsDogLady · 04/05/2024 08:06

@AmberExpert, they’re building a relationship and it’s escalating. Their 1:1 meet-ups 3-4 times per week is excessive. The constant messaging with photos of her every move is intense.

Pleasing this OW appears to be his priority, to the detriment of your boundaries and your relationship. He sounds very invested and attracted to their Rescuer/Damsel dynamic, which can easily lead to the development of inappropriate intimacy, familiarity and reliance. Many emotional affairs begin with the KISA validation.

Their over-frequent alone time, his dismissal of your feelings, and his angry defensiveness strongly suggest that he is well entrenched in EA territory. Of course, calling you paranoid and insecure is a manipulative tactic meant to make you back off.

@AmberExpert, I wouldn’t sit by watching this travesty play out in plain sight. I would remove myself from this demeaning triangle that he has set up with his 2 adoring, competing women. He needs to understand exactly what losing you feels like, so either he would be leaving for a while or I would. You need space to consider your options.

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 08:25

Gangof7 · 04/05/2024 08:05

He is putting their relationship before yours. What an idiot. Who has that many bloody jobs to do - her house must be falling apart.
I would show him this thread.

This is what you should say to him OP - that he is prioritising her over you. How can he justify it?

Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 08:30

Thank you everyone for your replies, it means such a lot to me. I have felt very isolated and lonely during these last few weeks. I really feel like I’m going mad.

The thing is I feel like I’ve made the situation worse because I have been so reactive, and that now whenever she texts or messages I immediately feel anxious, my heart pounds and I feel sick. When he goes over I am moody and this causes issues. I try and be calm and rational, but it’s hard, sometimes I manage it but most of the time I don’t. I know this annoys him.

I feel better in some ways knowing that I’m not going mad, and that other women would feel the same as me in this situation.

I need to face the cold, hard facts that despite what he tells me: there’s nothing going on, they’re just friends etc, his actions are saying something entirely different.

Having it out with her and warning her off is not on the cards for me. I just wouldn’t or couldn’t do that. So, I need to have a long hard think about what I do now. We live in a jointly owned house, so it’s unlikely either of us would move out, for now anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 08:34

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 07:37

You are in an awful situation and my heart goes out to you, truly. They are both taking advantage of your non-confrontational nature and taking the proverbial piss.

It is easy for us to advise from behind a screen but your options are to accept it - hope one or both of them will come
to their senses and it will eventually stop, but that is incredibly unlikely without an intervention of some kind.

Or wait for him to finally leave you for her. This could be drawn out over a short or excruciatingly long period where your mental and emotional state is in shreds by the end of it.

You say each time you bring it up it ends in a row. Ask him why this is. Why does he feel so emotional about it? It isn’t simply confusion or annoyance on his part but anger. There is strong emotion involved - why is that?

I think you need to ask him to have a calm discussion. If he says no, you can ask why he doesn’t want to do you the courtesy, as his wife, of having the respect and desire to listen to your concerns and what is upsetting you, and try to work through them. But then there’s your answer. Your feelings should be of his utmost concern. He should want to reassure you in a caring way because he loves you and doesn’t want you to be upset by his actions. If he agrees, try to calmly make him see how it is affecting you, that any person would feel the same, and ask him to consider his own feelings if the situation was reversed. If he tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re mad for being jealous and are insecure etc say you’re happy to ask for the opinion of others and hear what they have to say. He won’t want you sharing this bc he knows you have a point, but if he’s adamant he’s not in the wrong, then by his logic others will agree with him, so what his problem?

Excluding children, spouses should never put ppl outside of their marriage before the other. Why is this woman so important? What does she offer him that he feels you don’t? Why doesn’t he value you enough to put your concerns at ease and work towards a solution together as a couple? Why is he putting her first? Because that’s what he is doing by dismissing you and continuing to frequently interact with her, despite knowing it now upsets you. I’m assuming couples counselling would be completely off the cards.

Do you have anywhere you could go to to take some time out? You may fear this could push him towards this cold-hearted bitch woman in your absence, which it might, but in a way that’s probably a positive outcome as it would be speeding up the process (which would be inevitable either way) and spare you the prolonged misery of hoping and praying it doesn’t happen. I’m afraid if he is going to do it then he doesn’t care about you and he will do it regardless.. It’s frightening to consider life changing and being alone but he will not be a constant source of anxiety and sadness to you. Mental and emotional health is connected to physical health. It will be better for you physically to remove yourself (preferably him) from this situation. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about you.

A positive outcome from leaving for a few days would be you showing him what he stands to lose could be the jolt he needs to snap him out of this callous behaviour.

Try not to worry about pushing him away by speaking up. If he’s on that course already there is nothing you can do but delay the inevitable. If you don’t want to confront her share with your local/mutual friends. Ppl who care. Tell them it is making you ill and it will spread throughout your circles among the women and will reach her. Other than speaking to her yourself or your husband dropping contact, this is the one way that might make her take stock of what she stands to lose in her community and social standing and encourage her to back off. She may view your husband filling the gap of her departed one as worth it but at least you will know you have done everything you could.

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out for the best for you. It sounds like you may well be better off without him in the long run X

Show quote history

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and considered response, I really appreciate it. Definitely lots for me to think about here.

I think even if I could leave for a bit, things wouldn’t change and he’d still be at hers, probably more so, and I’d just feel more anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberExpert · 04/05/2024 08:36

LightSpeeds · 04/05/2024 08:05

I'm wondering what sort of woman asks a man, who is in a relationship, to come over 3-4 times a week to do jobs and is also texting that bloke constantly even though he's IN A RELATIONSHIP.

She seems very tactless, overstepping and disrespectful to you.

The fact your OH doesn't give a toss about your feelings, too... none of this is good.

I feel the same to be honest, I’d never do this to anyone.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/05/2024 08:54

OP, if you are only in your early fifties presumably he is still working, so is that 3/4 times he vists during evening and weekends? If so she must be seeing more of him than you! That's completely unacceptable and disrespectful to you, and apart from anything else she has a cheek to expect all these jobs done for free!
You need to have a firm talk with him about how inappropriate this is, that it's been noticed by neighbours and is upsetting and humiliating for you. Then give him a choice, he stops being her handyman or else separation is in on the cards. If he refuses to listen and change his ways then you have your answer.

Shiningout · 04/05/2024 09:00

Well even if she doesn't have an ulterior motive she's taking the piss! Most people have to pay for things like gardening, dog walking etc, and shes got him doing it all for free!

I can't believe there is that much she needs help with on a weekly basis, if she genuinely does then she needs to start paying for services really. I can bet my arse he wouldn't be running round doing all this for a male.

Noseybookworm · 04/05/2024 09:04

Trust your gut on this one, he is disregarding your feelings and prioritising his 'friendship' with another woman over his relationship with you! He would definitely not like it if you were behaving like this with another man. He is taking the piss and frankly I wouldn't be putting up with it and neither should you. You can tell him you've had enough. He can choose her or you - then you will know where you stand.

rainbowstardrops · 04/05/2024 09:08

I'd feel pissed off with that level of contact too. Yes they might just be friends but the fact your partner is completely dismissing your feelings makes it much worse.
If she's lonely after being widowed, why doesn't she try to strike up a friendship with you? I imagine she's making up all these jobs she needs a knight in shining armour to do for her.

DrJonesIpresume · 04/05/2024 09:08

This isn't a case of not trusting him... it's a case of not trusting her. To actively go out of your way to encourage someone else's partner to spend a lot of time with you and do lots of little odd jobs around your home - well it's just not cricket, is it?

Diycheater · 04/05/2024 09:10

I’m not proud of this but this is exactly how I conducted my affair. There’s a reason the jobs are small. I know both our spouses suspected but both were non confrontational so didn’t directly confront.

It sounds horrible but this made them look weak, which makes the affair partner look even more confident. Contempt develops for what is perceived as passiveness in the spouse.

My advice, if you want it, is to never mention this again. Go cold. Go dark. Consider your marriage over and seek legal advice. Tell him nothing. Because any concerns you express will be repeated to her, and it is very exciting to nearly get caught.

Loubelle70 · 04/05/2024 09:16

Diycheater · 04/05/2024 09:10

I’m not proud of this but this is exactly how I conducted my affair. There’s a reason the jobs are small. I know both our spouses suspected but both were non confrontational so didn’t directly confront.

It sounds horrible but this made them look weak, which makes the affair partner look even more confident. Contempt develops for what is perceived as passiveness in the spouse.

My advice, if you want it, is to never mention this again. Go cold. Go dark. Consider your marriage over and seek legal advice. Tell him nothing. Because any concerns you express will be repeated to her, and it is very exciting to nearly get caught.

All of this OP.

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