Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

Tell him to go back to his mummy. What a fucking manchild. You have one baby already. Don’t pander to this shit.

Who knows what is going on with him, but it seems that some time-out on his own is called for.

Go to your parents and recuperate. Gather your thoughts - in good time. There is no rush.

Put your child's needs and your own first. If you seek to appease him, you'd just set yourself up for a lifetime of walking on eggshells.

You don't want that...

If you’re only 5 minutes late with a newborn then you’re doing amazingly well.
Your dh is nasty. Don’t put up with his attitude.

Has he always been like this, or just since the baby's arrival? Perhaps he is struggling to adjust to no longer being your main focus, or maybe there is something bigger going on. Either way, he needs to communicate better and/or get help.

I would take the baby and go and stay with your parents (if that's an option)? Give him some space to think, and you a chance to be looked after....!

Look, he’s had outbursts before but I’m wondering if perhaps he may be depressed. It’s just so odd. He’s not being nice at all.

I just feel awful for my new baby if my husband and I don’t work out. It’s not fair to her

This is horrible behaviour when you have a newborn baby. Poor you as if you haven't got enough on. Don't be embarrassed if you go to your parents it's his behaviour not yours. It's so sad that he is ruining this special time.💐

Oh love, nature gives you many chances to do the best for your baby. If you leave him now the baby will never know any different if you stay she might know anger and disharmony, but yes get him to leave.

How much parenting does he do?

I was lucky if I got out the door some days after having a baby.

Are you in the UK OP?

I'll assume you are.

Any mother of a four week old posting at this time of night (presumably whilst breastfeeding), with this type of issue is not being treated well at all.

He's not going to get better, so you have to change your self.

I would get up in the morning, pack your stuff and go to your parents. Give yourself time and space to enjoy your newborn and to breathe and think.

/Anyone who thinks a breastfeeding mother is out of order for being 5 mins late, is a total bloody idiot.. The baby is four weeks old, you've no idea how long they will take to feed.

Maybe he is depressed, but that's no excuse whatsoever for his behaving like a cunt.

Good luck.

Exactly this!

Four weeks old! I didn't know if they would feed for five mins or five hours at that age!

He could well be depressed or struggling with the newborn stage, but that's no excuse to make you walk on eggshells around him.

Call him out on his behaviour and tell him he needs to figure it out as you have enough to be at.

Follow through and go speak to/stay with your parents if he is dismissive. If you don't show him how unacceptable it is to treat you this way, he'll never recognise the problem lies with him.

You are also adjusting to this new season of life remember and have enough new responsibilities so look after yourself first and foremost.

He's acting terribly. Looking after your baby is hard enough with sleep deprivation and breastfeeding. Please don't put up with this. It's not normal and depression isn't an excuse for being nasty.

He's an arsehole. Who does this? To a woman who has just given birth and is feeding his precious child? I'll tell you who, abusive, nasty cunts.

Proper men, decent men, would be running round after you, making endless tea, checking in on you, getting on with chores. Bonding with the baby. Not ignoring you and leaving the room you walk into.

Eugh, I really hate him. I don't actually know how you can bare to be under the same roof as him. Go to your mums. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He's the one who should be worried what people think.

A lifetime of this will damage your daughter, getting out and rebuilding your self esteem and self respect will have the opposite effect on your baby. I promise.

This is abuse. What he's doing is ensuring you don't ask anything of him and that you feel constantly on the back foot. Is he doing anything to hekp with thr baby or picking up the slack because you are with the baby? I guess not
He might not even be doing it consciously. But it is cruel and unnecessary, particularly how personal these attacks are.

Sadly, this type of control and abuse often rears its head around the time of a new baby.

You need to he very clear right now you won't take it. Find YOUR anger. You took 5 minutes extra to get ready? You have a newborn, that's a minor miracle. Ask him what he's doing to make it easier for you? And I would be inclined to tell him to.go take his mood elsewhere.

He should dedicate his days off work to enjoy his infant and support you. Be a family.
You are exhausted and crying. He asks to be left alone?

Go and see your parents. Have a rest. And then talk to him. About your relationship, being new parents and how to deal with it.

Hi @Jessie0211
This sounds so stressful for you - you already are adjusting to mothering a young baby and now you have your husband's behavior to deal with, which sounds unjustified and confusing.

Hopefully he is just having a bad day or two but please be aware that there are a few common features about abusive relationships that are worth bearing in mind.

People often say 'why did you have a baby with a man like this?' however abusive dynamics commonly start after pregnancy/birth. The reality is women are more vulnerable and more reliant on their partner at these times, and once you share a child it is going to be that much harder to leave, so women are more likely when they are vulnerable and a bit trapped to tolerate unfair dynamics.

Also worth noting is that abusive dynamics might start out being 'just a bit unfair' and become more and more unfair over time, and as it happens gradually it is harder to notice and take action to leave. Also abusive behaviors will be mixed in with times that are 'good' (otherwise no one would ever stay!), so he might put on a happy face and apologise, but if he keeps doing this again and again, you may be dealing with an abusive dynamic.

Also, when we are exhausted from disrupted sleep and adjusting to motherhood, is when some women will be more susceptible to believing their partner (and other people) who may want to tell her that she is hormonal or being 'oversensitive' - so trust yourself when you are confident that you just want a fair playing field and respect from him that is equal to what you give him.

If he has a pattern of shutting down conversations and you end up always smoothing things over you will need to put a stop to this at it means you're in a one-way arrangement that suits one person, rather than a true relationship where both people's feelings and needs matter. The pattern will only become more entrenched if you continue to keep being the only person in the relationship who makes amends or takes responsibility - and actually, this is one hallmark of an abusive dynamic, where one person is 'responsibility teflon' and the other is 'responsibility glue' (Patrick Doyle's words).

Now might be the moment to draw the line in the sand by going to stay with your parents and letting him know that if he wants to be in a relationship with you it will need to be a genuine two way street. You might as well find out now if he is willing and able to do this, otherwise you will be wasting time and energy waiting for him to be the kind of man/husband/father he is not willing or able to be.

This is awful. So sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s hard enough recovering from birth and adjusting to the lack of sleep and work a new baby brings.

Your DH should be supporting you, looking after you and enjoying these precious moments. He is clearly caught up in throwing his toys out of the pram because he is no longer centre of attention/carefree lifestyle, and is directing resentment towards you because of this. A man child indeed.

I would go stay at your parents, because you need support. Don’t accept this by staying around him in this mood.

Thanks ladies for all of your kindness. It makes me feel less alone in this situation.

I brought up that I might go and stay with them and he didn’t really acknowledge it. He said ‘I just need time to get over how I’m feeling’ 🤔 I really feel he has some sort of mental health issue going on, not that it’s an excuse, but something that needs to be faced by him.

I am in Australia so it’s Friday afternoon here

He’s been great with parenting but the last few days not so much- almost as if he’s resentful I have to care for her so much as she’s breastfed and that he’s not needed as much.

Interesting to hear that abuse rears its head with arrival of a new baby often. I didn’t even think I’d be in this type of situation and feel down about the whole thing going on.

As witching hour starts early afternoon for my baby I am going to head to my parents tomorrow. I do feel embarrassed but also feel bad to make them worry about me :(

Please go to your parents so you get help with your baby and some time to rest. Don't feel embarrassed. It's hard when you have a newborn and DH is acting up. If he continues just tell him you have a baby already and you don't have resources to pamper his moods too.

As a parent of adult DC's they see things and worry anyway. So being able to support you will be better than worrying.

He's acting the way he always has. A baby isn't magically going to change this, if anything it's likely to get worse as you've found out. Whether you put up with it is up to you.

He's not depressed. He's not behaving like this with anyone else, is he? He's showing you who he really is. He's controlling and abusive. This is not your fault and there are lots of resources available to help you decide next steps. If you want to understand more, 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft is a good place to start.

You're very focused on what could be the root cause to his behaviour changes.

But who is caring for you?
You grew a baby, birthed a baby, need twice as much food and fluid now you're breastfeeding, and you're in different sleep cycles.

All these changes are happening to you, this is your postpartum. You won't get it back. This is your time with your daughter.

He is choosing to behave like this. As a previous poster said, when he was with his mum and dad for lunch, did he speak to them like he does you?

Go to your parents home. If he's really unwell he will have head space to seek medical attention. If he chooses not to, it shows how little respect he has for you.

Don’t be embarrassed. You need kindness and sensitivity at this time and he can’t provide it. Go somewhere you’ll get it but keep communication open with him so you can talk to him about the possibility he needs help. I’d also consider confiding in someone from his family you trust, so they can keep an eye on him.

He's not a good person. A good person wouldn't do this to you.