Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

@Girlmum1995
Well done for seeing him for what he was and protecting your babies, and I agree with your advice to the OP to not deny the red flags here.

Apart from going to your parents, have you considered going to stay with HIS parents.
His parents are in a better position to help him deal with his out-of-sorts behaviour and it's better that they know.
Husband will possibly tolerate you staying with them once; his parents will support you in staying in your house with the newborn and will encourage him going to them.
You don't have the energy to move about, and deal with his antics. Try to get him to recognise his selfish reactions and to seek professional and family help.

Does ANYONE bother to read a whole thread anymore?!

I agree entirely, I certainly wasn't making any excuses for him with my comment.

@Jessie0211 Thinking of you and I hope you and baby are well. You need love and support not what you are receiving from your husband. I really hope you are at your parents now being loved and looked after.

don’t be embarrassed to tell your parents. You have done nothing wrong and yow deserve support. Your husband’s behaviour is abuse. Get support and look after yourself. There are no excuses for how he is treating you. you sound kind and lovely.

Take care if yourself-

But just to add men can get post natal depression aswell

https://forwhenhelpline.org.au/parent-resources/male-postnatal-depression/

might be worth looking into ?
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Good on you OP for calling your husband out on his behaviour and removing you and your baby from the situation. All you do (caring and taking the time to care for your baby) is normal. All your husband does (being critical, unhelpful, moody and jealous of the baby) is not normal. Sorry to say but what you describe is exactly how the abuse started in my 13 years long relationship just after having our first baby. You may not be able to make him see that what he does is wrong. Watch out for the slippery slope. You don’t have to put up with any of this. Take care

It may be depression but picking fights and wanting to clear his head, time alone, leaving the room etc are also Classic signs of a cheater. Any chance his head has been turned? It’s not unusual for low quality men to cheat when their wife is pregnant. I hope I am wrong.

This

Stop apologising to him.

Go to your parents as soon as you can for support.

I am glad you are going to your parents. You do need to get out of that home.

I suspect his nose is out of joint as he is no longer front and centre in your life.

When we had our child my partner struggled a bit with me breastfeeding too. He asked if we could switch to bottle feeding so he could bond with the baby. I think he was feeling left out and wanted some time alone with the baby to bond.
his mum had told him that he needs to feed the baby to bond.

I started giving him more opportunity for skin to skin after I’d fed baby, asking him to take her while I napped etc so he could feel useful.

how was the birth? Could there be any trauma there that he is replaying over and over?
I have a friend who almost died during childbirth and her partner was horrible to her afterwards - after therapy he worked through it but it was almost like a flight or fight response and in his case he was pushing her away.

@Jessie0211

As witching hour starts early afternoon for my baby I am going to head to my parents tomorrow. I do feel embarrassed but also feel bad to make them worry about me :(

Very good idea OP. Your husband should be 100% caring for you and your very new baby instead of being such a jealous, tantrummy man. you should feel cherished (if slightly exhausted!) and cared for instead of having to walk on eggshells at a time he's supposed to step up.

In your shoes I'd stay with your parents as long as you can so both you and your baby are physically and emotionally supported. Keep communications open with him without detriment to your own good mental health.

He needs to get whatever professional counselling help he needs - life isn't just about him and his needs any more. 🌹

He’s not depressed. He’s an abusive cunt

I'd say he has another woman who is making him feel good at the moment. Home is stressful and he isn't sure what's happening. Ask him

I can't imagine being 4 weeks post partum and dealing with anything other than a supportive husband. Perhaps he's not coping with the changes but if he isn't he needs to voice that like an adult and not lash out at you and add to your load.

It's the part where every little thing you do annoys him. That's completely off. He might be tired and get cranky at little things, but he should be mature enough to realise that and come apologise 5 mins later and say 'I'm sorry, I'm feeling tired'. He needs to learn to communicate, and quickly!

He may well be depressed. However, depression is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card to behave like a prick the mother of your very new baby.

@Jessie0211 This defiantly sounds like a type of depression.
Snapping at the ones you love around you, not getting answers and your at fault all the time. The wanting time alone and going off in a different room. My husband is the same and he has depression/Bipolar.

The fact you have a new-born and must be exhausted and are clearly not getting any help from your husband.
I would stay at your parents as embarrassing as it may be (make up an excuse if you need to). You need support right now, not negative vibes from your husband.
You could see how it goes, try and talk, see if he will get help, but in the mean time sounds like it maybe worth going to your parents to have some time out and enjoy your little one.

It’s more common than a lot of people realise that marriages go through massive strain when a baby arrives. Lack of sleep, loss of identity, babies needs come first and it’s a lot of learning. It’s tough for both the new mum and dad. you’re finding a new way as a family and often it’s not what you think it will be.

Do what you need to do to get by and if that’s going to your parents do it. Please don’t be embarrassed.

At some point you will need a conversation with each other and the space to acknowledge it’s hard being a new parent and talk about what both of your struggles are and how you would like each other to support you, and maybe even what you’d both like to do to feel like you again, be if go to the gym once a week, have a couple date once a month etc. you will find you really need to work at the marriage in a way you never needed to do before as both of your priorities have changed

This x 3.

DO NOT get into pandering to him.

Just remember it's you that's just produced a human being. It's you that's dealing with raging hormones. I'm guessing it's you that's doing the vast majority of the nightimes with broken sleep, which is very challenging.

I wonder if he's just re-establishing his place as THE most important person in the household. Some man-babies men do this when a baby is born to make sure they're the most important person in the family. Despite the fact that both of you should be prioritising your newborn a lot of the time. New babies are so demanding it's the only way to keep yourself sane to make it a two-man job unless you're getting a lot of outside support from family members or a maternity nurse.

He should be taking this time to take some more of the load: doing night-time wakings, giving you lie-ins, taking the baby out for walks, doing a bit extra housework etc. Instead he's taking the opportunity to focus on himself and how things affect him. He's undermining you because it's hard to fight a power-play when you're already feeling vulnerable. What a pathetic baby.

Don't ask him what's wrong. Don't try and put things right. Don't appease him.

Get support from elsewhere: family, friends, HV, a therapist.

Congratulations on your beautiful new baby. Take care of yourself.

Go to your parents and have some time away from him.
He is behaving like a prick.
Do not pander to him and do not jump to the conclusion that it's depression or some other mental health issue. It could be but this should not be used as any kind of excuse/explanation for his behaviour.
Once you've had some time out to think and he has also had time out to think while you are at your parents, then you can try to discuss things with him. If you still think it's a mental health issue you can encourage him/insist on him contacting his GP.
He does not get to behave like this towards you, no matter the reason. So if it is depression he needs to get treatment.
You do not have to continue living with someone who is making your life a misery just because they have a mental health issue. And you certainly don't have to live with someone and put up with awful behaviour if they are just being a twat because they are jealous of the attention the baby is getting.

Hello, this is my first ever time posting here so please bear with me!

Firstly I want to say well done for reaching out, and well done for noticing things are not quite right.

I had my daughter 3.5 years ago, before her I had the perfect life - nice house, flashy car, out every week Thursday to Sunday. Then along came my little surprise bundle of joy! And down the drain went my relationship with her father.

His two weeks of paternity leave were fine but as soon as he went back to work he turned into a monster. Would only spend time with us between 6pm (when he got home) to 9pm at night (when he went to bed). If he was still holding our child if she was falling asleep at 9pm and it was his time to go to bed he’d hand her back. And it snowballed from there, I didn’t do enough housework, I was sleeping with other men (I had her October 2020, hello pandemic) used him as a sperm donor. The list went on.

At the time I believe he suffered from PND, but he didn’t want to know about it. And I was desperately trying to save it even though I was miserable.

When our little one was 3 months old her threw us out for the first time, which then started our usual routine of I’d do something he didn’t like, I get asked to move out and then when he’s calmed down we get to come home until when she was 6 months old he changed the locks whilst I was at my Grandmother's. It was at this point I instructed a lawyer. During this period I went to wreak and ruin, I was a shell of a human and living on my nerves.

The next year was quite frankly horrid, he took 10 weeks to give me my clothes back, 9 months to give me my belongings back and a year to sort out the house and its contents and we’re still trying to “co-parent” but on reflection now I realise he’s a narcissist but that’s another story!

What I’m trying to say is that your situation isn’t normal, you need support and he’s not there for that. You’re sole parenting a newborn and that’s not right.

I would take a step back - go to your parents - and try and talk to your husband. The space he says he wants but what happens when you and baby come back? It doesn’t get any easier. The challenges you face as a parent just change.

We had signed up for couples therapy but didn’t make it that far. Possibly visit the GP. Can you speak with your health visitor is you have one?

The main thing to take from this is don’t accept it, because it will only get worse. If he does accept help remember as well it will take a while for things to balance out.

I wish you all the best x

@Jessie0211 men can also get post natal depression. Please talk to your healthcare professional supporting you and your baby about what is going on. They can help the whole family.

Some men have issues adjusting when a new baby is born. They aren't the priority anymore and you need to focus on the baby. Ive know many who have behaved like arsehole because the feel pushed out, jealous and resentful. Not to mention the lack of sex. Honestly, I think he needs to get the fuck over it. They focus on how their needs aren't meant because they are self centered pricks. In meantime no one is noticing that you are adjusting, hormonal, sore, exhausted and doing a 20 hour day. Go to your parents hopefully you'll get some support there because his nonsense is just adding to your workload.

I feel for you! it's hard enough managing a newborn let alone a grouchy douchey husband. My husband got severe post natal depression when our first born was born and we didn't realise for a good year. But we had an awful year of him being horrible to me, the baby, he slept a lot, he was snappy, argued a lot etc. After a year we almost broke up and he got a wake up call and sorted himself out. Admitted depression, went to therapy, changed a lot about his ways. What I learnt is that men can feel incredibly rejected when a baby arrived because your attention diverts onto the baby. I'm not saying they are right to feel this way... but they are valid feelings. The key is communication - if you are able to communicate in a healthy way and listen to him, and him listen to you, it will help. I hope it doesn't take as long as it took me because it was a horrible period, but we got to the other end! hope you're okay and you seem to be doing fantastically with the baby :) xxx