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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

192 replies

Jessie0211 · 26/04/2024 04:22

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

OP posts:
EarthSight · 01/05/2024 10:10

Have you watched 'Maid' on Netflix? I highly recommend it. @Girlmum1995

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2024 10:17

Gemstonebeach · 01/05/2024 08:46

@Jessie0211 men can also get post natal depression. Please talk to your healthcare professional supporting you and your baby about what is going on. They can help the whole family.

Of course they can... Confused

Whilst I appreciate men will have had a huge bomb dropped on their lives, they have NOT carried and birthed a child
They have NOT had their hormones fluctuate all over the place
They are NOT breastfeeding and adjusting to STILL sharing their body with another human with different hormones fluctuating all over the place
They are NOT on their knees with the same level of tiredness
Their body does NOT react in the same way every time the baby cries

It is NOT the same!

Sorry, give it a different name and stop making excuses for him

Rookangaroo4 · 01/05/2024 10:19

This isn’t fair. You’ve got a newborn and need to focus on yourself and your baby. I obviously don’t know your parents but if you were my daughter I wouldn’t pass judgment and welcome you home. Your parents will be aware of how difficult the newborn days are especially if it’s your first baby. Go home, take some time and hopefully he’ll ponder on how badly he’s behaving. It’s emotional abuse and makes me mad when you’ve not long given birth x

Over40Overdating · 01/05/2024 10:46

I don’t know if you are still reading @Jessie0211 but I was struck by you saying you would be sad for your child if your relationship didn’t work out.

I dont have kids but I am the child of parents who stuck with it despite my dad being the same spoiled, angry, resentful of children man your husband is becoming.

What’s sad is the impact being raised in that environment with a man like that had and continues to have. My mother has never known what it’s like to be in a partnership with a loving, kind man who can communicate his emotions rather than using silence and rage to control the relationship. My dad also uses depression as an excuse for his behaviour - but has never sought treatment for it.

You deserve better. A short term sadness now if you decide to walk away is a lot better than a deep rooted long term one full of regrets.

SetinTime · 01/05/2024 11:44

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/04/2024 21:45

So you haven’t considered that having a new baby might emotionally impact him too. Having a baby is like having a bomb thrown into a relationship. My husband wanted children but he ended up walking out for a week because the change in the responsibility and routine was overwhelming for him. This was at 6 months and I think he had to equivalent of male post natal depression. You need to talk to him .

YOU HAVE A SHIT HUSBAND! Hope you left him.

Daisyblue77 · 01/05/2024 11:54

Jessie0211 · 26/04/2024 04:22

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

You should go and stay with your parents dont be embarrassed, or chuck him out, hes abusive and always has been, hes acting like a spoilt toddler who no longer has mummy's full attention, why isnt he getting baby ready while you get ready?? Hes a waste of space and a selfish prik

Frangipanyoul8r · 01/05/2024 12:00

Having MH problems does not turn you into an arsehole. Stop making excuses for him and start demanding better treatment. I don’t know you or your baby but any new mum deserves better than this.

He’s conditioned you to pander to him and to take this treatment, your child won’t thank you if you keep tolerating this. Tell your parents and go and stay with them ASAP.

Gemstonebeach · 01/05/2024 12:27

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2024 10:17

Of course they can... Confused

Whilst I appreciate men will have had a huge bomb dropped on their lives, they have NOT carried and birthed a child
They have NOT had their hormones fluctuate all over the place
They are NOT breastfeeding and adjusting to STILL sharing their body with another human with different hormones fluctuating all over the place
They are NOT on their knees with the same level of tiredness
Their body does NOT react in the same way every time the baby cries

It is NOT the same!

Sorry, give it a different name and stop making excuses for him

Show quote history

Your attitude is why men don’t seek help. OP needs to get advice from a healthcare professional, not mumsnet.

weeks112 · 01/05/2024 12:35

hi just read your post, as a guy i would like to add that if hes been with you 10 years, hes a good man, that shows commitment ok so men and women are bio different, different hormones etc etc, he seems a bit grouchy, could be work related stress, could be feeling number 2 because of new baby, he seems like he just went through supporting you 9 months deliveries are never easy emotionally or physically new baby night time routines etc etc, maybe he needs some space offer it him, be open with him, and suggest your mum asked to bring baby over for a few days to help you guys out, dont make it look like you are giving him space, make it look like your mom wants to help you with the baby, be neutral, im sure he will accept and have a few weeks where you spend the weekends with your parents

Brefugee · 01/05/2024 12:59

Jessie0211 · 26/04/2024 04:22

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

send him to his parents. Tell them they need to train him better since they did a bad job when he was growing up. Failing that go to your parents for a month or two if you can.

You take too long getting ready because of the baby? tough tits, mate, get used to it. And fgs he must help so it doesn't take so long etc etc.

(having said that: someone moving my keys from where i put them makes me stabby)

ItsAStateOfMind · 01/05/2024 13:15

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs.

What an utter dickhead.

Honestly, if he wants to be alone, fine. Go stay with your parents and leave the man baby to it. Let's see how he feels about himself once everyone knows that he is treating his newborn, and his new mum wife like a piece of crap.

What a selfish arsehole. Fancy telling your wife if she is in the room, he'll leave. He's abusive.

Comtesse · 01/05/2024 13:42

Is the root cause of this behaviour that he is annoyed you are focused on the baby not him?

If that’s what’s going on then it’s TRAGIC of him.

LordPercyPercy · 01/05/2024 14:10

i would like to add that if hes been with you 10 years, hes a good man, that shows commitment

How does that make him a good man?
A family member has just left her horribly abusive husband after more than two decades. His "commitment" didn't make him a good man, that's for sure.

Rozgoestohollywood · 01/05/2024 14:19

I feel for you, stepping on eggshells around a grumpy man is not nice!

He could be depressed it’s not good avoiding talking about it though. Four weeks after a first baby is huge, your both getting used to it. Is he doing night feeds too? My husband couldn’t cope with night wake ups, it was bearable for me so I took them on (i bf so it was no option anyway really) but he was so much better in the day and he would do loads and get everything ready for me cook clean and laundry and I would nap and feed baby.

He was a lot less grumpy, try and communicate, get sleep when you can it’s a big adjustment, is he back to work? X x

weeks112 · 01/05/2024 16:03

LordPercyPercy · 01/05/2024 14:10

i would like to add that if hes been with you 10 years, hes a good man, that shows commitment

How does that make him a good man?
A family member has just left her horribly abusive husband after more than two decades. His "commitment" didn't make him a good man, that's for sure.

Edited

if you read the original post she starts of saying her husband is good, so if hes good and been with her 10 years i would say hes a good man, now if they are having some issues im sure people on here who are married or in partnerships over a decade will appreciate that such things do happen and when you work things out it can make relationships stronger, i dont know about the circumstances you are talking about personally, i only went off what the original poster wrote obviously you can just give a reply with ltd info so please dont take it as professional advice its just a brief comment on an online forum

LordPercyPercy · 01/05/2024 16:44

if you read the original post she starts of saying her husband is good, so if hes good and been with her 10 years i would say hes a good man

A lot of abuse starts during pregnancy or after a baby is born.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2024 16:53

@Janpoppy

What a wonderful, well-thought-out post. So much better and more knowledgeable than I could ever be, so I will just thank you for responding to the poster the way you did.

@Jessie0211 --I hope you have gone to your parents. You and your precious baby deserve better care and treatment than what you have been getting. Don't settle for what your NVDOH has been dishing out.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2024 17:00

weeks112 · 01/05/2024 12:35

hi just read your post, as a guy i would like to add that if hes been with you 10 years, hes a good man, that shows commitment ok so men and women are bio different, different hormones etc etc, he seems a bit grouchy, could be work related stress, could be feeling number 2 because of new baby, he seems like he just went through supporting you 9 months deliveries are never easy emotionally or physically new baby night time routines etc etc, maybe he needs some space offer it him, be open with him, and suggest your mum asked to bring baby over for a few days to help you guys out, dont make it look like you are giving him space, make it look like your mom wants to help you with the baby, be neutral, im sure he will accept and have a few weeks where you spend the weekends with your parents

Edited

IOW, OP--Make sure you think about your NVDOH feelings first and foremost! Don't let him even think HIS behavior has anything to do with you going to your parents!
After all, he was there the WHOLE NINE MONTHS you were pregnant! That makes him "special".
The above is my full of bullshite comment to the full of bullshite advice the OP was given by @weeks112

What a total and complete load of utter bullshite nonsense.

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 01/05/2024 17:00

My dh was similar when he went back to work after our dd was born at 3 weeks. I think it was a couple of different things; life changing, feeling like a bit of a spare part with baby care and also feeling like he needed to be focusing on work as the only earner. He was getting frustrated at little things but fortunately has since acknowledged that he was struggling and has worked on it (getting back to the gym helped!). He is much much better now our baby is older and past the eat-sleep-poo stage but it was stressful at the time - not healthy at all but I just let him crack on and focused on the baby.
It sounds like your dh is being much worse and I think a bit of space wouldn't hurt.
I know a lot of people are saying he's being a dick (and he is) but PPD is a real thing for men too - we were told that the likelihood was that one or the other of us would have it! - so it could be that although sounds like he'd flip out if you even suggested it tbh.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2024 17:10

Gemstonebeach · 01/05/2024 12:27

Your attitude is why men don’t seek help. OP needs to get advice from a healthcare professional, not mumsnet.

Edited
Show quote history

@Gemstonebeach @Jessie0211 men can also get post natal depression. Please talk to your healthcare professional supporting you and your baby about what is going on. They can help the whole family.

The OP getting healthcare advice about her NVDOH will NOT help the NVDOH from acting like an ass-wipe. ONLY he can get help and he sounds like he thinks he's in the right so until he wants help....

Also, whether men can get a "form" of post-natal depression or not, it does NOT excuse them being abusive, cruel and ugly.

Or do you think she needs to see a healthcare provider so SHE can learn how to treat her NVDOH with kid gloves and kisses while he treats her like shite? I ask because it reads as if it's your "advice".

Getonwitit · 01/05/2024 17:16

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your little girl. Please please go to your parents and be honest when anyone asks why. This situation will not get better, you have had a baby with a little boy who can't cope not being the centre of attention. He is not depressed, he is jealous. You need to provide a stable life for your little girl and having a jealous father is not a stable life. Only you can decide to stay with him but i hope you insist he has counselling for his issues. Don't be embarrassed to walk away, the issues are his not yours.

bonzaitree · 01/05/2024 17:47

Leave him to it OP.

Let him stew.

Elaina87 · 01/05/2024 19:27

I am so sorry he is treating you this way, you've just had a baby! He is selfish and he needs to be told his behaviour is unacceptable. Do you have a friend you can talk to if you don't want to talk to your parents? This man child doesn't deserve your attention right now, so don't give him any. You focus on your baby and taking care of yourself as much as possible. Sending you so much love. Xxxx

weeks112 · 01/05/2024 19:49

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2024 17:00

IOW, OP--Make sure you think about your NVDOH feelings first and foremost! Don't let him even think HIS behavior has anything to do with you going to your parents!
After all, he was there the WHOLE NINE MONTHS you were pregnant! That makes him "special".
The above is my full of bullshite comment to the full of bullshite advice the OP was given by @weeks112

What a total and complete load of utter bullshite nonsense.

Show quote history

well if you look at the stats in many countries today their is a heavy culture defined by single parenting with a to be mother going through 9 months and delivery on her jack jones, for a partner to be there during the 9 months and delivery is commendable as is vice versa in times of sensitivty and needs, im afraid its common sense if you think that any partner being their 24/7 does not need to be commended or appreciated just shows why alot of people today can not hold down a relationship long term

Porcupette · 01/05/2024 20:16

There’s quite a lot of comments saying he essentially needs to grow up, but postpartum depression in dads is a real thing and if you think he’s struggling he may well be. You can’t ‘fix’ that for him, all you can do is encourage him to get help and make sure you do whatever you can to take care of yourself in the meantime. You can support him, but you can’t be responsible for looking after yourself, new baby and him all at once. My husband struggled when our first was born, lost lots of weight in a very short period of time due to the stress & anxiety etc, eventually he went to the GP and was given an antidepressant. He got back to his normal self and in the meantime we leant on family a lot to cope.

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