Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

Could he have the male version of PND.

After our second my husband was like this and our doctor pointed out father's can also suffer in the early days.

Is your baby a good sleeper. Could he be run down to. You said your BF so it maybe a combination of feeling low and useless and feeding is aassive burden in the early days

This sounds like an almost classic case of abuse rearing its head. He's relying on you to be too exhausted and needy to call out his behaviour or make him accountable:

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you went to your parents for some space. Now that he is back at work, at least he you will only have to tread on eggshells during the evenings.
Please don't close your eyes to these red flags. Do you have a health visitor you can speak to?
Your H may very well be in a silly fug of a mood that he snaps out of quickly. But I fear I am being wholly and optimistically unrealistic with this suggestion. You deserve better than this regardless.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Sounds like he’s jealous of the baby to be honest and isn’t getting the attention from you he once had, what a pathetic little man, you really don’t have to put up with it, unfortunately dickheads don’t change

I would certainly go and stay with your parents for a while and give dh and yourself the space to think about the future. My ex dh sounds very similar to yours but I wasn't strong enough to leave him and my parents were not at all supportive.
Dc3 was only a few weeks old and dh was going away for a couple of nights for work about 3 hours away. It had been agreed that I (and baby) would go with him - I had gone in the past - and my parents were going to look after the older 2 ( aged 10 and 11). Anyway the baby was crying and I decided to give him a quick feed before we left and dh went up the wall! He just left without us.

Great, another man-child who can't handle the adult responsibility of parenthood.

Trust your instincts about his depression. Postnatal depression in women often manifests as tears. Postnatal depression in men often manifests as anger. I am a midwife. Both women and men go through period of enormous adjustment after the birth of their first child. His behaviour is not fair on you. However would you blame a woman for getting a postnatal depression? I suggest you nudge your husband towards professional help. Depression kills relationships. More on a subject is in Why Women Talk and Men Walk book (written by a male-female team of family therapists). I hope it helps

The first couple of years with child were horrible on our relationship to the point of breaking point. Sleep deprivation, heavy demands of child and work.. brought out the worst in both of us. It has gotten better, not quite as good as pre child, but better. In the meantime you don't need to accept this crap from him. It's the biggest test of your relationship.

I got the book "Let's stick together" by Harry Benson. At the least it's moral support.

I'm child free because I didn't want to handle this responsibility either. Happily married for 20 years.
Did he want to become a parent?

Neither is it fair for her to grow up with the sound of her parents yelling at each other in the background. Or with sulky silences.

What was he like before she was conceived/born?

4 weeks post birth you are still recover from the equivalent of a major operation. He should be running round after you, bringing you food and drink while you feed the baby and generally looking after you . This is a huge upheaval for both of you but you are also physically healing. Go to your Mum and get looked after while he realises how stupid he is being.

Exactly this!!

If your parents are likely to be supportive, then please go.

Give yourself some space from the utter man child.

Take time to think about what you want and what needs to change before you go back. As well as what you'll do if he isn't willing.

How are you getting on your parents’ @Jessie0211?

I hope you’re doing ok and your husband has sorted himself out 🙄

The only thing I disagree with here is @Jessie0211 going to her mum. Let this massive manchild wanker fuck off to HIS mum.

Hes being emotionally abusive, I doubt this behaviour is new it’s just more obvious as you need his support he’s pushing away from you. He sounds like my ex who I left when my baby was 4 weeks old.

It’s not fair on her if this is what life is like. Mom walking on egg shells and pandering to Daddy & his pathetic strops. Don’t forget, your relationship is her guide for what relationships should look like. You really need to get something sorted before she’s old enough to notice.
I'm sorry you’re going through this, a new baby is hard enough without all this. Ignore his childish behaviour and focus on the actual baby in the house.

I imagine you’re both exhausted…..and it’s a massive adjustment. I hope you can both work through this together. Having a tiny baby is wonderful - but very tough too!

I hate to say it, but when my ex pulled that shit, he was cheating. But even if not, you're not his emotional punching bag. He needs to grow up and control his anger.

Staying with your parents sounds like an excellent idea. If they've seen the way you're on eggshells around him, they'll probably be pleased to see you standing up for yourself.

No embarrassment needed. It's more embarrassing to be a doormat than a divorcee.

I agree in principle but if he's got a temper, might be safer to just leave.

I’m glad to hear you’re going to your parents’ place OP. It is much fairer to your little one to sort this now and not bring her up in such a toxic situation.

I really recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? while you are at your parents’ place and see how you feel about your H’s behaviour after that. It is really compassionate and eye opening. Some behaviour that seems minor/manageable when you aren’t reliant on someone, feels very different when you are suddenly vulnerable and want to relate to your partner with more interdependence.

From my experience I will say that I found going through a break up with a baby easier than with an older child, especially if you have some family support.

sorry your H isn’t doing better for you, but please don’t excuse his behaviour by attributing it to depression. If it is that then it’s up to him to acknowledge and deal with it. But the chances are he is “depressed” that he is no longer the focus of your attention and that isn’t depression, it’s manipulation.

Fair point, and I see she has gone, so hope all is ok.

Don't feel awful for your baby, if it doesn't work out, and there is time for things to change, but if it doesn't work out they will be much better off growing up with a happy loving mummy than a mummy who is sad or walking on eggshells, even if that means her parents aren't together.

I'm sure they'd much, much rather you tell them something's going on and let them support you and their grandchild.

Let your horrible husband stew, and go somewhere you can enjoy your lovely, shiny new baby x

My exH moaned at me that I ruined a day out because I fed our 3 week old baby too many times??! I was dressed, had make up on and spent the day doing something he wanted....but it wasn't enough....
I left him when our son was 2.5 and he's not seen him in 10 years.
I wouldn't ever put up with this shit again.
Having depression doesn't make you a nasty arsehole.
Pull him up in this NOW or leave him and go to your parents. Absolutely tell them why.