Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

Go to your parents. Don't ruin this special time, you won't get a do over. He wants to make amends he can prove it.

OP I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. You sound incredibly strong and are coping really well despite the situation being so stressful.
I have been exactly where you are. I read your post and it took me back to when my first child was just as tiny as your DD is now. I chose not to leave, because I too was focused on the reasons behind my husband's actions and emotions.
What followed was well over a decade of me being the facilitator for him to be able to act how he wanted, whilst I kept everything going, raising two children in the most positive way I could, whilst pretending to everyone else that all was well. I did it single handed. I didn't ever let on to anyone that it was all so traumatic behind closed doors. There were many instances of what I now recognise as emotional abuse but at the time I didn't acknowledge how much I was being mistreated.
I convinced myself that, if the world stopped turning and it came down to it, he would be there for me when I needed him. Crazy I know but that was what I told myself. That eventually there would come a time when I would be the one needing support and he would return the love and dedication. Can't believe I did that but it was what I did in my head to justify staying.
Ffwd to 2020 and lockdown hit. Husband furloughed, me still WFH full time and homeschooling the children. I thought it would be now that he stepped up. But no. The same pattern continued. And this is when I finally saw it was never ever going to change.
We are now divorced. I finally left with my two boys when they were 9 and 13. It took everything I had for me to get us out. And it's only now that I'm looking back at it all, from the outside, wondering how on earth I could have stayed. Only now that I see what a desperately bleak situation it was.
I don't know whether I'll ever be able to confront my own feelings about it all but the one thing I have thought about repeatedly is how different it would have been if I'd have found a way to leave when my eldest was just 4 weeks old. At the time it felt too hard but on reflection it would still have been easier than what I went through by choosing to stay.
Whatever you choose to do, I just wanted to share my experience to show solidarity and support. You sound like an awesome mum.

OP@Jessie0211 i would disagree with some of the responses here - ok he has behaved abysmally but having a baby can be one of the most stressful times in a couples life. Sleep deprivation can be horrendous for some and to go from only having to care for each other to the 24 /7 demands of parenthood is a challenge . If you have had a good relationship up to now and no previous red flags then give him a chance to make things right. I have a very good marriage but I had PND and i was the one behaving abysmally at times - sometimes it has to be worked through and I'm very glad my DH stuck by me. Def get some support from your parents and have a break from each other.

I think this is wise - and why I asked upthread whether he has ever behaved like this before the baby's arrival, or whether this is new. I can't remember the quote exactly, but someone said that 'having a first baby is like lobbing a nuclear bomb into a marriage' - it's REALLY hard and takes time to adjust. Maybe he is being abusive (he's definitely being rude and obnoxious), but maybe he is just really struggling to adapt to his new normal and the changes that are going to be inevitable now he's a father. Maybe he has a form of post natal depression - I work with lots of new parents in my job - and men often get forgotten in the rush to support mum and baby - but they do have difficulties too, and maybe he just needs some extra support.

Don't feel guilty that you are going to your parents - I'm sure that they will love to help you and spend time with their new grandchild. And whilst you have some time and distance from your H, maybe you will come to conclusions about whether he needs help, time to communicate properly....or kicking to the kerb.

He isn't your priority now and has spat him dummy out.. You have a newborn and a tantruming toddler... What a dick head.

I'm in no way saying his behaviour is acceptable. It's not! And you're not responsible for putting up with him when he's acting like this.

HOWEVER...
I've been where you are.
Loving partner, good father, and then suddenly very angry after in our case baby number 2 arrived. He had what I felt was the male version of postpartum depression. Just couldn't cope with the stress, constantly being needed, the responsability of having to take care of us all, ... My husband had a complete meltdown and took it out on me and our newborn baby.
I can't say for sure that things will eventually get better. I don't know if you're better off leaving him now or giving him time to get better. It was a terrible time for our relationship, but I did manage to drag him to our GP and get him started on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication and that's made a world of difference. It was either that or he had to move back in with his parents.

As a couple, we are still recovering from that time. Our youngest is now 2,5. She loves her dad to bits, and he's a wonderful dad to both our children now. I know he also feels a lot of regret and shame for the way he acted back then, and he has apologised to us both numerous times. I also haven't seen any signs of him losing his temper since he's been on medication. He did try to quit a few months ago, but realised quickly that he wasn't ready yet and upped his dose again.

But despite how kind and caring he is now, I still feel tense when the children start acting up, because a part of me worries he might have an outburst again. I do leave him alone with the kids, and I have every reason to trust him, but there's always that voice in the back of my head.
I also feel some grief over the fact that I'll never have more than 2 children. I would have liked to have that option at least, but there's no way I'm risking my husband going back to that dark place. And a small part of me does resent him for that, even though I know he didn't choose to have mental health problems either.

I do hope you take care of yourself and your baby. Go somewhere safe. And if he doesn't want to take responsability for how he's acting, he really doesn't have a place in your life.

I think a lot of people are projecting onto your situation here, OP. I think this is pretty normal in the early days of a baby. Is it great? No, it's not great. But you are both exhausted. You've had a major life upheaval. It's incredibly stressful for both of you. You are bickering and being short with each other and blaming each other for minor silly things. This is pretty par for the course in parenting a small baby. I think anyone who tells you different is very much misremembering the early days.

When my 1st was 4 weeks old, I was probably only managing to brush my teeth about 3 times a week. That's how upside down life was. When she was 8 months, we were still so exhausted that one day we had an argument and seriously we both went away to google divorce lawyers! I'm not joking. It was that shitty some days. It's not because either of us are abusive or that we were unhappy or shouldn't have been together. We were just exhausted and fed up. It's 11 years later and we are very happy and have never googled divorce lawyers since.

Two things: make sure you are each getting down time and time to rest. He's off work for 4 days. He should be taking baby out on walks in the pram for 1-1.5 hours at a time, twice a day, so you can sleep. That means he can get fresh air and time with baby and you can get baby-free quality rest. And secondly, if you have family nearby, draft them in to look after baby soon so that you can have a lunch together or go for a walk. My family came to visit from abroad and literally pushed dd around the village in the pram for 1.5 hours so dh and I could have lunch alone when she was 6 weeks old. It's only a tiny bit of time, but it does mean you can be adults together for a bit and actually speak to each other and not about baby care.

Hang in there though. It's hard. You're both tired. If he's generally a good guy, you will get through this.

I'm sorry but you are minimising, he wants to be left alone and OP not talk to him?

Stonewalling

And disgraceful.

Men get depressed after babies are born too. Is he having a mental health crisis (perhaps without appreciating it as such). I am assuming that his irritability is new. He has to account for what he says and does, but is his health in play?

Irritability, withdrawal, low mood - sounds like depression to me.

This sounds like a reaction of fatigue, stress and changing circumstances. I had a similar experience with my DH and only at this point realised how much he hates not being completely in control of his life. With hindsight - he had pretty much been in denial all through my first pregnancy that his life was going to drastically change. I had 9 months of pregnancy when I was reminded every minute that things were never going to be the same again. He stuck his head in the sand and bam - a few weeks after baby arrived it hit him. Fatigue added into the mix turned everything up to 11.

He does need to give himself a good shake and realise that how he is behaving is not right and can't continue though. If he won't talk to you can you write him a letter and ask him to write back?

Does he have any male friends with children whom he can hang out with? Are there any dads & babies groups near you that he can join and start getting into fatherhood? Anything to give him a shove in a positive direction.

I think this is a pretty normal situation. A bit s**t - but normal.

I'm so so so sorry- you are postpartum and should be being cherished and looked after now. He is being neglectful because he is not the centre of your planet. My ex treated me with contempt like this when I was pregnant with his child- he walked out just before baby was born and I went to my parents house. Best decision ever being with people who loved and looked after me with a new born. Call (or text of you can't bring yourself to say it) saying you and DH have fallen out he is being horrible to you and can they come and get you as you need to stay. That's what you'd want your child to do. Just tell them you don't want to share details if you aren't ready. Please let yourself be looked after. Xxxx

Ps I also felt guilty worrying them. This shows me you're an empathetic caring person - prime victim for a narcissist like our children's fathers are. Please get out now while you can. You don't need his permission- just tell them to come and get you and go when they arrive.

And pack passports and baby documents and birth certificate with you

It reads like he's struggling to adjust to life with a baby. Is he a person who likes order and control? Dad does tend to take third place after baby and mother and some men struggle with that. I'd definitely consider visiting family for some space. Regardless of his issues he shouldn't be taking anything out on you.

What a f%*king child

You are bickering and being short with each other and blaming each other for minor silly things.
No, that's not what the OP said. He is bickering, she is trying to smooth things over.
Your intentions might be good, but you're gaslighting. He, for whatever reason is having a tantrum, and the default parent/ new mother is now parenting a 4 week old baby, and a man-child who won't self-reflect.

@Jessie0211 Fellow Aussie here… I’m going to be brutally honest. The signs aren’t good. It sounds like he’s met someone and is resentful of the family situation. Either way, you can’t fix him or his situation and it’s not psychologically safe for you to be around this when you are already vulnerable due to new baby, etc. He needs to want to do that himself.

He’s an abusive cunt LTB

Chances are your parents already see him for everything he is. My parents KNOW EVERYTHING before I realise!!!
They will be relieved that you have seen it- trust me.

This absolutely breaks my heart reading
this post. There is definitely something going on with your DH and he’s not being honest with you. Maybe he don’t feel like discussing it right now, and some time out for both of you definitely seems like a good idea. Sometimes having to some time away from one another helps a lot and the helps you both reflect on what the real issue is. Then when you go back, he may be ready to discuss it further. Relationships are hard enough, but not discussing what issues there are is even harder, but sometimes it can take a few days for the real reasons to come out, after some time apart.

Don’t be embarrassed to tell your parents, let them be there for you and your baby. They will be hurt if they knew you were suffering in silence. Maybe it’s your DH’s way of coping with baby exhaustion. He may not be able to express he’s tired, stressed, or not coping so well, or may be just as embarrassing for him too. But definitely don’t put up with him making you feel useless and worthless, cause that’s heartbreaking. No man should do that to you. He may be stressed with work, etc, but that’s no excuse to treat you like his punch bag. A few days away may make him see how his behaviour has been and hopefully apologise and make
it up to you. This is hard for both of you, new born babies are hard work. The best thing to do is have a few days space, to think and see what happens. But don’t let him treat you like rubbish.

You take care OP, you’re just as important and if there is tension at home, baby will feel it and then they’ll be stressed and upset too.

Staying for the kids is the worse reason. Would you want your child to do the same be subject to the experience your having.

He sounds like an abusive controlling man baby.

Please go stay at your parents do you really think they would be happy you kept his abuse from them.

My recent ex was like this, only pretty regularly. He could go a few weeks of being okay, but literally anytime I had a minor problem that needed to be talked about, he would take no responsibility for his part and turn it all back on me. He'd create drama when there was none. I just couldn't ever say anything; the only way to a peaceful life was for me to keep my mouth shut. It's a crap way to conduct a relationship. I had concerns he's a narcissist, and after I left it all became so clear - how that infiltrated every part of our relationship.
It seems to me that your partner is behaving in a similar way - blameshifting his behaviour onto you so YOU feel bad, when you've done nothing wrong! That is emotionally abusive, sadly.

Your husband is very immature but you don't have to put up with that. I think he could do with a short, sharp shock. If you go and stay elsewhere for a while he will realise how much he needs you, however good, calm conversation is important. It doesn't sound as though that would be possible at the moment, he is being stubborn and horrible, frankly.

Men often take a while to get used to having a baby but most do try and it does get easier.

Just be aware that abuse often starts during pregnancy/when children arrive. They think you're trapped or, get jealous of the child.

Perhaps he is exhausted and snappy...but it sounds...like he's spiteful. So that's more than that.

I'd have him leave tbh.
And tell him not to return until he sorts his attitude, you already have one child to deal with.

One more chance and one only.