Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

The first few months after first baby can be a very stressful time as you each get used to this! I think going to your parents and having some space is a good idea. Leave him with stern words that he needs to think about what he wants!

He needs space after 4weeks?

Christ alive!

Of course lack of sleep is hard.

More so when you're the one who has given birth & is literally feeding the baby!

So you haven’t considered that having a new baby might emotionally impact him too. Having a baby is like having a bomb thrown into a relationship. My husband wanted children but he ended up walking out for a week because the change in the responsibility and routine was overwhelming for him. This was at 6 months and I think he had to equivalent of male post natal depression. You need to talk to him .

Embarrassed?! You should feel proud OP. Proud that you want to be treated well and proud that you know your worth. Good for you. If you were my DD, I’d be pleased you’d called it. It might just bring him up short, but either way, you’re doing the right thing.

Good luck

Go to your parents and dont be ashamed to talk. The last situation you want to be in is one where you are isolated from them and feel you can't talk about issues at home l, especially if things get worse.
I always tell my daughter if she needs me ...I'm 'home' so come home

Doesn't excuse his behaviour does it? Perhaps she has considered and is giving him space he needs. Nothing wrong with going to parents for a few days.

Sounds more petty and jealous frankly - you've just gone through pregnancy, given birth (congratulations and well done btw) and are feeding & keeping another human alive with your body - and what has he done? Fuck all. So he's flipping out over any little thing he can use to undermine you.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

So essentially if he gets his own way and you do whatever is needed to keep him happy he’s ok?

Doesn’t sound like an overall good person to me.

I think you should go to your parents. This is supposed to be a lovely cosy time and you are supposed to be a team. You are the one who had the baby, he is supposed to be looking after you, cleaning up, and putting back all the things you have forgotten to do. Your mental health is fragile at this time. Don't be embarrassed to tell your parents the truth. Be honest, don't cover for him. He's fucking up his time with his new baby but he doesn't need to fuck it up for you.

@Jessie0211 this is what I think too. Better happy alone with child than pussyfooting round him when he’s an *rse.

Indeed he could be depressed and struggling to adjust to the massive changes that being a parent brings. However, he is not the one breastfeeding, he is not the one still bleeding and more than likely still sore from the birth and he is not the one who has physically been through pregnancy and child birth. I think he is childish and selfish, the baby come first now and adults he to put a significant number of their own needs to one side during those early days (and months and years!). Flipping men, I despair sometimes.

I agree with this.

I heard somewhere that it's a bad idea to make any irreversible decisions in the first 12 months of having a baby. So barring being in an seriously abusive relationship (as in physical/sexual violence, threats/blackmail/relentless verbal attacks etc) then it can be better to try to wait (or at least not permanently seperate) until the dust has settled on the bomb of having kids.

That doesn't mean letting him get away with his behaviour, but to try to give eachother the small benefit of the doubt that is due to readjustment, rather than suddenly turning into a dick.

OP please don't be embarrassed, I imagine the vast majority of parents would rather you went home and talk to them.

Also don't think that you will ruin your daughters life by splitting the family up, the opposite is true.
Teaching her to tip toe on eggshells around her father will be damaging.
Teaching her that this is what a partnership looks like so she will go and repeat will be damaging.

Don't take the blame for this, it's him not you. He needs to work out what has happened, changed or gone wrong then talk about it, do something about it.

This has to come from him, you can't do it for him.

It's largely irrelevant whether he is a nice person who is depressed or an abusive prick....I'm leaning towards abusive prick though op. The reality is he is being very fucking tedious even if you'd pissed him off by being an hour late or suddenly deciding you didn't want to go out because you needed a lie down...he should just suck that up and be supportive of you. You have a newborn and you are breastfeeding, everything should revolve around that and you. My dh was so supportive and I spent the first 6 weeks crying about how hard the breastfeeding was and then crying at the thought of stopping, never once did he show his frustration at my irrational hormonal indecision and inability to do anything other than sleep eat and feed.

Nip this in the bud right now and go to your parents, then tell him to go. Please don't be embarrassed, you've not done anything to be embarrassed about.

He is being a pig! But my brother was like this after the birth of his first child. I remember his wife being in tears when baby was about 7 months old as she was telling me how snappy and irritated with her he was all the time. He was also being angry at work. He got into an argument with his boss and realised he needed help. He went and got counselling and was so much better after about 6 months. I think there relationship took quite a long time to recover but they have gone on and had another child ( brother was delighted with second baby and not depressed at all) and when they came to visit this Easter they were strolling along arm in arm and seemed to be in a good place.

I could have written that story over a year ago. The first year DH and I had a baby was the hardest of our lives. We were married ten years and together similar time before that. Long relationship with very little arguing and extremely compatible. Then here comes a much wanted and desired baby. We fought all year and because of many factors - stress, sleep deprivation, anger, hormones to name a few - we were so angry and upset over tiny things. Days and weeks took forever to pass and many days were exhausted and I was so overwhelmed. We were both at an edge.

We have a sweet beautiful toddler and we are in a much better place. I returned to work part time, DD goes to daycare, just to name a few things that turned our relationship around. We are back to our old selves and enjoy and love being parents.

I never spoke to family about it, I didn’t need a reason for family to take sides.

I never would return to that year. I knew it was going to be hard but I wasn’t prepared for the huge change. New sides of us came out. I hope you take care and take it one day at a time.

x

I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

He's being a dick to you.

There could be a few reasons for that, but some men do not adjust well to being fathers, even if they were the ones pushing to be a parent. The baby arrives, and then all of a sudden they have to grow the fuck up! Shock horror! The attention isn't all on them any more! It's on the baby, and some men really don't like that.

On top of this, new behaviours and responsibilities are now expected of them. They have to cope with supporting their wife, with being woken up by the baby, and that just adds to the resentment which they take out on the mother of their child.

So, they start acting up. They start being mean, nasty, unkind, picking on tiny things you do which no-one else wouldn't even blink at, pouting, sulking, making you feel small and stupid.

It's all to punish you. Punish you for this change in their life which they feel like they cannot take out on their own child.

Then again he might be just neurotic OP, and unfortunately neurotic men often make angry, snappy, irritable, unpleasant fathers.

Remember as well that a lot of men won't just leave their female partners - they either monkey-branch onto another woman, or just become progressively shittier until their female partner accepts the emotional burden of ending the relationship, and leaves.

This man is a fucking baby. Do not spend a minute longer worrying about him. You have grown and birthed your baby and now is the time to be selfish and put yourself first. A few days with your parents will be just the thing to give you both some perspective. That said, I would be marking his card in a serious way for future life events and hours of need. If he doesn't pull up his socks you probably need to have a wider discussion. For now enjoy your lovely baby and hopefully things settle down soon. X

Pretty much sums up what I was about to say.

They see other families, and the fathers are having such a great time with their kids that they think that its all fun and lollipops and then they find out that fun and lollipops only happen because feeding, changing, washing, cleaning etc happen and that life didnt just carry on as before but with a cute little accessory in tow, bolstering his masculinity.

Its not all about him anymore.

Oddly, I have seen this more the longer the relationship has been pre kids. The most successful parenting partnerships I have seen have been between people who either both had kids when they got together, or got pg very early. So there has been no massive change, the relationship has always been about the kids.

He may very well come around, but dont bank on it. Personally I think some time with people who love and want to look after you will help you. And you will probably find that your parents, especially your mother, may well understand.

The only person who needs to be embarrassed is him

@Jessie0211

I think you could be right about the depression BUT I don't think that alters in any way what you should do in the short term. Going to your parents' seems good. From there, with (hopefully) a bit more rest, you can think about what you want and have a straight talk with your husband when you feel up to it.

Parenting with a partner with depression can be very tough. My husband has OCD and severe clinical depression. We had our kids during an "upturn" that lasted a few years and which we had hoped would be permanent. However, when I was pregnant with no. 2, he had a major depressive episode severe enough to keep him off work. He's never been well enough to go back, and has since been diagnosed with CFS in addition.

During no. 2's babyhood is the only time I've felt our marriage was in jeopardy. He didn't express anger at me (although he does have greater irritability during an episode, he's been doing this long enough that he knows, and doesn't take it out on anyone). But he was so miserable all the time, and so anxious about how we would cope now we had two babies, that I ended up quite anxious and depressed as well (the only time I've felt that way). As well as exhausted. The misery of sleep deprivation is real.

Things have got enormously better (and did so as soon as the baby started to sleep more - but that can feel like a long time) and we are still together and love each other a decade on, but I have always known that to some extent I have to be ready to drop everything if he's unwell, because he can't just muscle through.

So... Even if it turns out this is the case for your husband, there'll be considerations and adjustments, at the least.

This was me, my partner was easily irritated and snappy before having a baby and he couldn’t handle high stress situations at all.
His behaviour continues to get progressively worse after our daughter was born until it became full scale screaming, throwing stuff and slamming doors and then blaming me.

I felt like I was constantly apologising to him for “triggering” him, I was living on egg shells then one day he done all of the above, broke our patio doors and threw a book nearly hitting my 1 year old daughter, while screaming in front of the neighbours that it was my fault and that I had to change my behaviour, all I did was ask him to feed our daughter.

That was enough for me, I left him that day I refused to let my girls grow up thinking that was normal, if your partner has depression you can try getting him support, I did that, I got him help, I got him in to therapy etc etc in the end it didn’t make a difference.
you can only help people who want to help themselves, I’m not saying your marriage is over but be aware of the warning signs

Funny how OP, who is doing more of the work of child raising, is managing not to treat her partner like shit.

And yet you say she hasn't considered him. Boot's on the other foot.

My DH was the same when we had a newborn. It’s terrible.

Call his parents and tell them all about his petulant, jealous behaviour.

Hopefully his mother or father will give him the kick up the pants that he so richly deserves.

Don't keep this quiet. He's abusing you.

Otherwise, tell him he's welcome to return to his mama until he stops sulking and decides to behave himself like an adult.

YYY to this.

The gaslighting on this thread is sickening.

There are apparently many women here who are completely ignorant of the fact that abuse very often rears its ugly head - out of the blue - during pregnancy or the immediate postpartum period.