Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

My partner was not good with a new born around. He had never been around kids and it really threw him and he was horrible. I ended up staying at my parents and having some serious conversations with him about the direction things were going. We worked on things and he is a brilliant Dad now. It took a long time for him to learn how to be a larent but he committed and worked on it His own parents were not great really around and he had no support, female family members or children on his side of the family so he hed to figure it out. I would go to your parents and make it clear where his behaviour is not ok and see if you have anyone you can confide in that can talk to him too. Keeping it to yourself and suffering where you are is the worst thing you can do.

Not the point of the thread but I really don't understand how any man can feel like a spare part, even if the mother is bf. There's so much they can do - cuddle, burp them, change them, bath them, get them dressed, go for walks with them in a sling, make meals, do the washing up.

Anyway, please don't feel embarrassed, OP. Putting yourself first and not taking any crap is a sign of strength not weakness. I'm sure your parents are well aware that lots of relationships struggle after the birth of a child and will want to support you

That’s not what I am suggesting at all and I’m not sure how you took that from my comment. You are minimising the fact that men can get depression following the birth of a child too. Yes his behaviour is not okay but the healthcare professionals can get him mental health support to help fix this situation.

My dh felt like a spare part but he absolutely wasn't- he did all the things you've mentioned but I think because they're so demanding with feeding at that age, it felt like that was the main thing that needed doing and he couldn't help with it, and it made him feel a bit useless. Plus I probably didn't help the situation by being like "well I'm already awake feeding her, may as well burp her and change her while we're here". And then once he'd gone back to work and we'd got into a routine, I think he felt a bit like I had it all covered and didn't know where to slot himself in.

as a male i can tell you some births can be difficult for both parents, let me give you an example long long labour + complications, coming through such difficulties especially for new parents and even experienced parents can take alot of nuanced steps, discovery and education, to write off a generally good husband of 10 years because he may have had a difficulty with the post natal experiwnce is quite unfair, especially when men might find it more difficult to open up and admit a difficulty and seek support from friends or family where as a women might find it easier speaking to her mother sister or friend etc sometimes a difficult time shared softens the impact

I don’t know your husband, obviously but just to play devils advocate because as you’re seeing, mumsnet is a notorious hotbed for ‘men are clearly in the wrong at all times and he can’t possibly have an actual issue I need to care about’.

Paternal post partum depression is a genuine thing. Please don’t dismiss his behaviour as being an arse just because a load of women on the internet think men are worth less than women.

Perhaps staying with your parents for a while may be an idea, but please do encourage him to talk to you about how he’s feeling and consider that as you say, he may genuinely be struggling with the lifestyle change. Theory and practice are vastly different things.

Men step up abuse once a baby is born they no longer have to pretend and feel they now have you trapped so the real behaviour comes out , you don't deserve this after just having a baby and your daughter deserves better aswell pack your things and go to your parents tell them EVERYTHING he's counting on you not telling anyone protect yourself and your daughter

"My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault."

No, he isn't, and he never was.
Why he's being like this is neither here nor there. He's being cruel to you at the most important time to be supportive.

The OP says he's always been "never wrong".

I hope all is going well. Make sure you are safe and don’t put up with too much.

unfortunately husbands are often like three years olds when their mothers sucked. Re-assure him he is still loved, even if you have to devote most of your time to the baby. And he’s caring for the baby when he cares for you.

beyond that it’s his problem to work on/out/through. It’s completely inappropriate for him to be taking it out on you. I would not suggest giving him to ok much time. Glad to hear you went to parents.

just like a three year old if you put up with too much it will spiral out of control. Stay strong.

How does that in any way justify the behaviour in the OP?
Berating her for being 5 minutes late rather than helping her, refusing to even sit in a room with her?!

@Nanaof1

That is really kind of you to say. Thank you.

Now I must say I did roll my eyes when I first heard this when I had my baby, but then I caught myself and realised that it’s not very fair. Apparently 1 in 10 dads can get some sort of paternal baby blues, anxiety and depression. I don’t know how it works as they don’t have the hormones that we do but it’s supposedly a thing. Also, I’m assuming you’re both sleep deprived?
however, if that were true, none of it is really an excuse for him to not apologise or talk to you about it after the moment has passed. Me and my husband said some awful things to each other in the night times but we always apologise.
on the other hand, he could just be being a tool. Did he want this baby??

I think if you’ve always pandered and apologised even when you’re not at fault, that’s likely made him think he can walk all over you. He should be the one to go though, why should you pack up with a new baby when you have everything you need at home. Could your parents stay with you for a bit to help you out?

I think you need to tell him that if he can not be grown up and have a real adult conversation with you, then he needs to go back to his mummy and daddy where they will treat him like the child he is.

Im sorry your going through this at such an early stage of motherhood though, as everyone else has said your doing amazing!

I grew up in a household like this OP. My dad was depressed (undiagnosed because 'real men' don't go to the doctors) and my mum put up with his silence constantly. He once gave her the silent treatment for a full week because one time she was tired and light heartedly snapped at him.

As a result I grew up to be the person who will walk a million miles to avoid conflict. Thankfully over the years, my dad finally got medication and is now a totally different person and I too am getting loads better at sticking up for myself but the point is, the snappy/silent treatment nonsense is a really unhealthy environment for you and also for your little girl to grow up in.

He might be depressed or fed up but you are not his punching bag. He needs to sort himself out and stop blaming you and behaving like a man child.

It's good that you've got parents and support. You should definitely make the most of that. Be honest with them and go and chill. If he wants to sulk, let him sulk but he doesn't get the pleasure of doing it while he's in your presence.

Reading your post , it sounds exactly like my situation.

as soon as my little one was born, my ex started arguing over tiny things. We couldn’t go on a nice walk to the park without him ruining it being moody over something so insignificant as not putting my coffee cup in the sink .

he would cause these little arguments so I would go out of my way to make him feel happier. This would usually take the form of me doing more of the parenting .

he was constantly unhappy. I suspected depression. He said maybe he was. He refused to go to the drs.

I kept making excuses for him for a year, when eventually I realised I was being forced to do everything around the house and look after the kid. If I asked for him to watch the baby, he didn’t know what to do (because he was always to sad/ annoyed/ upset to look after him and didn’t know how to do anything)

it came to a head and I asked him to step up. But , it had been a year and I’d let it slide so long and hadn’t addressed issues sooner that it just felt to him so out of the blue.

long story short, we ended up moving house and having to live with my parents for a few weeks. Within days, my parents were like ‘you need to throw the whole man out, this isn’t normal’.

so I did! Luckily we split while my son was too young to remember us living together. My ex now consistently spends time with his son one day a week where he is present and excited to see him. They have a lovely bond, and I don’t have to live with a spoilt man child. My son and I go on days out where there are no arguments or tantrums- we’re not dragging someone unwilling along.

some people aren’t cut out to be parents. I feel like women know / understand before they have a baby what it’s going to be like, but men just don’t , and it can be a massive shock.

My husband turned into a stroppy manchild when I was pregnant and it only got worse when the baby arrived. Lazy, irritable, selfish - it was like caring for a newborn and a vile teenage boy. I left when our daughter was 13 months old.

I hardly ever post on Mumsnet, more a forum lurker but I had to here as your post made me so angry for you. You've got a newborn baby, you're doing an amazing job keeping your (and his) tiny baby alive and he should be supporting you with this, not giving you additional stress and worry at an already stressful time. You've just been through childbirth and you're adjusting to being needed full time by a baby and the way he's treating you is just not ok on every level. He might be finding it hard, sure, but he's responsible for sorting his own stuff out not making out you're the issue here.

From experience I very much doubt this is the first time he's acted like this, you and your baby deserve better. Sending hugs.

i really cant comment on how you experience relationships, yes he is in the wrong maybe he is having his own difficulties, from alot of the feedback on here looks like many feral single females, who have never planned having a child or even a family for that matter and are fantasising about a 10 year marriage. relationships have their ups and downs and 10 years is a long time we dont know any history so much is conjecture, this is not professional advice just here to add my 2 pennys worth with a pinch of salt

Chances are there’s a lot more going on than he’s letting on. Everyone saying he’s this he’s that, they don’t know the ins & outs of your relationship your post is literally a snippet. If he wasn’t like this before or it’s more extreme he may be depressed & or struggling to adjust. Men struggle after a baby too. BUT refusing to speak to you or talk / sort things through is NOT okay - you need to tell him straight, stop trying to smooth things over. Tell him the silent treatment & refusing to talk is only going to end one way. Tell him how it is, if he won’t listen write it down or text it.carry on as you are stop trying to make things right with him and see what he does. Running to your parents isn’t the answer just yet.

Single feral female here

was married 10 years. Planned my child. Set expectations before having baby.

still went to shit.

i understand that relationships have ups and downs.

difference is that nowadays, a man needs to provide more than just a paycheck to be a good dad. Women don’t have to put up with bullshit because of societal expectations.

there’s ups and downs and there’s a grown adult acting like a child and expecting you to look after them and their children.

exactly my point! enjoy single life!

Maybe he really needs some time to sort his mood and realise how much he loves and misses you both when you're away. Pack your bags and go stay with your parents for at least a week or when he asks you to return.
But.

It's truthfully shocking that for 10 years he has never(?) apologised to you, tried to make up after an argument, reflect on whether he was actually in the wrong, or learn from those rows. It's also alarming that he expects you to bend over backwards to accommodate him after arguments or in life in general. That's not a "generally good husband", that's borderline abusive.

When you're both out of the woods a bit with the post-partum experience, consider couples' counselling. Otherwise eventually your daughter will learn it's totally ok for men to make women comply/appease to them/be responsible for men's emotions. Not a great life lesson unfortunately. Especially here in Australia, where FDV is an insidious, serious problem.

My oh is exactly the same so I totally understand how you feel.

I wait until he’s calmed down then try my best to discuss it. We also have a code word where if I think he’s being unreasonable, I use the code word and he reflects on the situation.

Although I shouldn’t have to I also try to leave him be until he’s ready to communicate. I don’t bite back as I think that escalates the situation.

Having kids makes it worse as they are very testing! So try to work through it before your baby is older and definitely take time to yourself.

Im convinced my oh has something going on whether it be ADHD etc as he’s 0-100 super quick over the silliest of things then doesn’t talk for 24hours. But for me good times heavily outweigh the bad and it’s now just a part of who he is.

Sending big hugs, try not let it get you down and focus on your beautiful baby.

I know you think that’s going to get a rise out of me, but I really am enjoying single life.

I have lots of friends, holidays, enjoy spending my free time as I like. I haven’t had a single argument with another person for 5 years . It’s pretty idyllic.

In fact, I’m less lonely now than when I was married… go figure .

yeah, it’s not for everyone. Some people feel the need to be with another person, regardless of the personal turmoil it causes. I won’t be that person. Life is too short.