Here for advice- husband problems with 4 week old baby

[Jessie0211]

Hi all,

I am after some advice, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years. Our baby girl is 4 weeks old.

My husband is overall a good person but can be stubborn and when we argue never wants to talk about it- I always end up trying to smooth things over even if I don’t think it’s my fault.

Since yesterday he has four days off work which I was so excited about. Yesterday we had a very minor argument about something small and silly (baby carrier!) that he completely blew out of proportion- wouldn’t talk to me all day and said I ruined his day.

Today we went to walk to meet his parents for lunch and again he snapped and cracked it at me because I took an extra 5 mins getting ready after finishing breastfeeding. He said I’m frustrating him with many things I do- mind you these things seem VERY trivial putting his house keys in the drawer, taking the cover off the pram and not putting it back on and sometimes taking too long to be ready.

He’s now said he just wants me to leave him alone and basically won’t talk to me. I went to the lounge room and he said if you’re going to be here I’m going upstairs. I’ve asked him if there is anything else going on that is making him upset and basically it’s just me apparently.

I feel like I’ve been quite calm, I don’t really think I’ve done anything wrong but apologies anyway. I’m just trying to do my best to care for our newborn tbh.

I Have been crying all day, I’m thinking about taking the baby and staying at my parents but I’m embarrassed to tell them what’s going on. I can’t see my husband and I staying together if he’s so angry about such tiny things

Not condoning your husbands behaviour OP, but with one of my three babies, my DH was quite like this. Not for long, but more snippy than usual etc. I think he was coped less with the lack of sleep than I did, but also because I breastfed, he didn't have a clear role! I would try to find something he can do, see if he feels more needed. Going to your parents might be a good idea if only for you to get a break from the way he is behaving. I do think though that men can get postnatal type depression too! If it's your first baby, maybe he is also resentful of baby taking up all your time (again, not condoning his behaviour!)

But you couldn’t walk out for a week. You had 100% responsibility on you because taking any of it was too hard for him. Did he ever acknowledge the enormous privilege of being able to say it’s all your problem, I can’t cope with any of it so you just have to with ALL of it, after giving birth as well. How do these men have any self respect??

This. Abuse is real. His previous outbursts were the red flags. Up till baby arrived, you were doubtless fitting in with him to his satisfaction. You’d been ‘trained’ even though you probably didn’t realise it. Now there’s something taking your time and thoughts from him, affecting his control and he doesn’t like it. He can try to make you feel guilty, feel inadequate, feel a lot of negative things because he needs to feel powerful and in control. It won’t get better. He is not having an off day or two. He isn’t depressed. He is setting the tone for the future. Treat you badly, the silent treatment is mental abuse. If he thinks he’s losing you, he might throw a few breadcrumbs to reel you back but the abuse will return. Personally, I’d run for the hills. And not come back. This is not a relationship a child should witness and think is normal

I’ve been there. It doesn’t get better . Eventually divorced 2 kids later. We’d been together 6 years and only married a year- I felt I couldn’t leave. Spent another 14 years with him, realised I didn’t know him at all. The oldest child may never recover and I fear he will turn out the same. Maybe give it 6months if he goes to doc and has depression. This is abuse and it will only get worse. I had counselling as I didn’t know if I was going mad- nothing added up. Please be careful-your baby deserves more xx

I've not read all of the thread but, hopping on to say that week 4 of new baby was probably one of the worst times mentally for both me and DP, looking back. We were both so dog tired and running on empty. Really disrupted sleep, physically exhausted, snappy etc. It was very hard.

BUT. Things improved and we persevered and we learned better ways to communicate, and to prioritise getting rest and fresh air during difficult times. DP is an excellent father, just struggled I think with the immediate newborn baby phase (as did I). We found ways that he could be helpful (going out pram walking and doing the shopping) while I focused on other things, and we agreed that if either of us felt cross we had a kind of "time out" code word where we gave each other space and prioritised sleep. It did, very much, get better.

I think you might need to evaluate is this a) this is a pattern of emotional abuse or b) are you both physically and mentally exhausted and snippy. It's hard to know unless you're there but if he's not up in the night with you, supporting you, helping you recover, picking up household duties etc then I'd be worried. If he is doing these things, he might just be tired and overwhelmed (as a lot of new parents are). I know it isn't ideal but I know I take things out on my husband sometimes and vice versa. Equally, if this is something you recognise from before your baby, if he isn't apologising or recognising he is tired and snippy, if he's making you consistently feel guilty/worthless then it's emotional abuse and you need to run.
Some men (rubbish ones) find babies take their place as pampered and cared for infant - of you think it's this then also have a think about how you want your life to be.
Partners snap, argue, snip sometimes but then they apologise and support one another. It's OK to have a bad day, or a tough time, but he needs to recognise it and apologise, work on fixing it and continue to be a partner....

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My husband started behaving in a similar way once we had a baby; turned out he was a cocaine addict. I didn’t even know he was a drug user! He would stay up all night in the spare room taking coke while I was looking after our baby in our room. Then he’d be exhausted in the day and blame everything on me. I really questioned my own behaviour but deep down I knew it wasn’t me.
Do what you feel is right for you and your baby and let him sort whatever his problems is out.

I would ask him to go and stay with his parents while he “gets over how he’s feeling”. You and baby have enough going on and shouldn’t be turfed out of your home because of his behaviour!

Having said that, your parents will just be so relieved you felt able to turn to them at this time so please don’t feel bad about worrying them. They wouldn’t want it any other way.

My husband had a period a bit like this after our first baby. He was really struggling to adjust to being a Dad and it was making him irritable and bad tempered because that's just how he reacts when he doesn't know what he's doing. We'd never been around many babies before and it was a huge learning curve for us and whilst a lot of it came naturally to me it just didn't to him. Our eldest was also a seriously bad sleeper so he was exhausted and because I was in such bad shape after the birth and also had some problems with breastfeeding so he felt he was under pressure to look after us both but just didn't really know how. At the time it felt awful but he did snap out of it and was very sorry and I'm glad we persevered through it.

Are you able to talk to gim to say his shutting down is difficult for you and we are now parents, so let's make this work.
I would talk it out with your family.
You can be emotional and shut down, but after a short time, we all need to crack on, especially having a baby that is a major life change for you.
Go and spend time with your family and let him have his space of you must.
I feel for you, a newborn ba y is a special time, never be sorry for being late to be ready, this causes unnecessary stress and becoming flustered, New mums need all the support they need.
Ring your mum and have a chat or a friend.

This post is from a few days ok but I can't not comment.

This is absolutely NOT ok! 4 weeks post partum, your body isn't even healed yet, let alone all the other emotional and psychological complexities of having just given birth.

This behaviour is abusive. Having been there myself, you need to be strong, call on your parents for support and be honest! So glad you've got them. My ex used to tell me if I ever told anyone about his behaviour they'd be consequences, I suffered in silence for years! Please don't do the same. You get one life and you have that gorgeous baba to think of as well now.

He doesn't deserve you both.

You know, it used to be, that when babies were conceived within a committed relationship, it used to be the norm for the partner to be there 24/7 and not something to be 'commended' or 'appreciated'. The one being appreciated used to be the mother-to-be

Sounds like his nose has been put out of joint by the arrival of your wonderful baby. After many years of being the only person you pander to he now has to wait his turn and he's making childish, unreasonable demands to get your attention and then punishing you by sulking when you act like a normal human being. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a petulant 4 Yr old. What a baby.

“You know, it used to be, that when babies were conceived within a committed relationship, it used to be the norm for the partner to be there 24/7 and not something to be 'commended' or 'appreciated'. The one being appreciated used to be the mother-to-be”

It was only the norm comparatively recently. My father’s generation certainly was not there 24/7. My Dad was at work when they phoned him to tell him if it was a boy or a girl. Men were not seen pushing prams, or changing nappies. Men went to work to earn the money. Women looked after the children. Dad dealt out punishments when he came home. My own husband was not there at all. Not for the births, not with childcare beyond letting baby sleep on his stomach while I made dinner. Only comparatively recently did men get paternity leave and the expectation of changing nappies, doing night feeds etc. If I’d handed mine a nappy, he’d have strangled me with it..or a dish cloth. Vacuuming was womens work. If my children cried, his response was ‘shut that up, ‘. Women were not appreciated for doing their duty. I see men looking after children now, being at the birth, taking the baby out in a buggy to get it off to sleeep, being active in the housework etc. it’s more the norm now than it ever was historically.

When I meet friends with young babies I allow a spare hour, often actually needed for poonami type situations when they’re trying to leave the house.

Hopefully it won’t turn into abuse. I agree with @Janpoppy I’d get some space, and be pretty upfront about how it’s made you feel and what you are and aren’t ok with, and give him a chance to change.

Maybe add in a mention that if he’s struggling too, you can help if he’s honest. He might need an outside therapist or mate to take him to the pub to talk for an hour or so each week.

How old are you (out of interest?)

I'm 70 and my DH older and it was exactly as I described for us

I am also 70 with DH a bit older, and we were the same as you. Perhaps the generation before us was more like @DearDenimEagle and her experience.