Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

I think if he’s irritating you now it’s not a good sign.

Why did you split up in the first place?

Without knowing all the details, the short answer is that you separated for a reason. People don't fundamentally change who they are.

Very well put!

I think whether it’s a red flag or minor disagreement partially depends on how much this played into your decision to end the marriage in the first place.

You say he was always like this when you were married, so if there are other reasons the marriage ended and this was something you wouldn’t have broken up over originally, then it’s probably something that can be managed now - not saying you have to put up with it, but it wouldn’t be relationship-ending.

If it’s one of the things that resulted in the marriage ending, I’d say it’s a huge red flag because he hasn’t made any effort to change it and you’ll end up in the same situation as before.

That’s the way I would look at it, anyway.

You're not compatible.
He needs to step up, and you need to chill out and somehow meet in the middle if this is to work at all.
One of you is rapidly going to get fed up with this and throw in the towel. It may be him. It may be you.

He has found it very easy to fall into being managed by you and thus move into the two fingers up to the management mindset. Get rid, he's a hopeless case.

TBH from what you have said it looks like he's becoming more secure in inching his way back in. He hasn't changed and is not going to. Whether that's what you want is the big question.

In a nutshell.

if he can’t be on his best behaviour and owning the promised tasks in this second chance stage - then it’s not likely to get better. He’s not even really trying is he? Sounds like he expects to slot back in together just like the old days.

Id make it clear to him that he has to find a way to manage his role better or it’s game over.

I'd see this as a red flag, say 'well, we tried' and draw a line graciously knowing there will never be a 'what if?'. They're his kids too, you'd made an agreement how things would be in the mornings and he has not been arsed. No other explanation. Taking the dog out and giving the kids their breakfast is not a huge deal. This shows how things will be if you take him back full time. You could let him know how bad it looks and offer one more chance but he should really be doing this things as a master of course if he's there in a morning, not lazing around being unreliable and making the whole house late. It just sounds incredibly frustrating and like a small section of a pattern of behaviour.

I think - if the morning routine is the reason your dating is not working you have

…. Continue dating w/o sleepovers
…. Spell out that he needs to shape up or you break up. And best thing with a disorganised person like him is to fix tasks that he does Every Time
…Give up as this difference in organisation is not going to disappear.

On w different note - do kids never stay over at his? Does he ever take full responsibility for the morning routine?
I think - i’d leave him in charge on the days he ‘comes over’.
And i’d leave for work on time.
And if he is late over and over - to school and his work - he may learn and change.

Matter** not master!

Old habits die hard and if he was like this before he is just reverting to type. If you want to see changes l'd stop the sleepovers as he can't seem to abide by the arrangements.Just see him in the evenings instead and explain why. Hopefully he will step up but if he's always been disorganised l don't hold out much hope for you.

People don't change and you broke up for a reason. Sounds like he made enough effort to get his foot back in the door and now feels confident that he has done enough. After going through the upheaval and upset of separating already I'd be really careful about getting yourself into a situation where you need to do it all again.

He became an ex for a reason so unless the reasons that contributed to the break up have been fully addressed and resolved through discussion compromise or counselling then it’s likely the same issues will rear their ugly head

You broke up for a reason (have those reasons been resolved) and only eight weeks in, he's irritating you already and he's not even living with you!
I think you know he's not going to change and this is what it would be like if he did.

Get rid. Your broke up for a reason

Dating an ex it's too easy to fall straight back into old rhythms and patterns. It doesn't sound like his presence is enhancing your life, so why bother?

You split up for valid reasons - anyone with children knows it’s not an easy decision to make so there must have been cast iron reasons why it has been over for two years.

You’re only 8 weeks in to trying again and already feeling pissed off with him. It’s definitely time to stop this trial before your daughters get confused and get their hopes up. Yes there were feelings there but you’ve tried and now you both need to move on.

The feelings may well stay, but now you know there’s no relational basis for them.

My advice to myself is always “don’t look back”
it seems to cover all situations…

The decision to split happened for a reason

at the moment your “ex” seems to be having it all - lots of space and free time, contact with kids, sex that is familiar

and I know we’re rarely encouraged to think this but I would be asking myself “what’s in it for me”

If I were you I’d be really pissed off.

For whatever reason you’ve given him another chance, but the initial breakup would have presumably been really hard on your DD’s, but they have had 2 years to get used to it.

You had some your best to engineer a scenario whereby he could stay at yours so you could remain at home for them and relied on him to follow what you intended - to walk the do and do their breakfasts etc and he fucked it up.

This could be 1 of 2 reasons - both bad:

He either doesn’t respect you enough to follow through with what you agreed. He got sex in a comfortable, familiar setting. He doesn’t give a shit about the effect it would have on your girls - finding him in bed - The fact he states over - will they work out this and always been the case and you both lied to them and deceived them? Will they be old enough to realise he was over so you could have sex? Will they now assume he will be doing this on a permanent basis and then be moving back in - what a horrible mindfuck for them to cope with - and you to try to manage and help them through!

OR - it was deliberate, and he was hoping they’d find out to put more pressure on you into having him back as it’ll be likely your girls will want things to go back to the way they were.

Either way you’ve been played.

What would annoy me a lot is the breach of trust - him blatantly not giving a toss or even being aware of the fallout of how this will affect any of you and your individual relationships with your kids - all for the sake of a few extra minutes in bed on his phone. He sounds like a selfish lazy arse or a manipulator.

It was a preventable scenario, but to be honest, if either of your kids had had a bad night and wanted their mum to comfort them, what the hell would have happened if they encountered you both in bed when they had no idea he was staying over?! You were playing with fire and got burned and it was inevitable something similar would have happened as he got more accustomed to the arrangement and being back in the family home. Thank goodness they didn’t catch you at it!

No one likes being bossed about and I think acting like someone’s mum doesn’t bode well for a relationship. I think core things like being a morning person or night owls rarely changes.
I think if you want it to work then you will need to look at the long term.
The kids won’t need help with breakfast and getting ready forever.
Perhaps you can get a dog walker.

He's doing the same annoying behaviour he always did, which can be expected, as this is who he is. If it was on the list of reasons to split, no point in getting back together.
He's clearly also decided to push the togetherness quicker than you wanted, by showing your DC's he is there. He is getting their hopes up to increase the pressure on you to have him back. He could win you back by putting the necessary effort in, but has chosen to go down the path of least resistance for him, which is emotional blackmale, so he doesn't have to try much.
He's pushed a decision for you one way or the other. Now is the time to decide if you want to be in it, otherwise it's confusing and unsettling for your DC's. Have enough other things improved? Whether a life of doing the majority, while he sits back, is acceptable to you.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many.

It doesn't sound trivial - these are the things that erode away a relationship - your partner not willingly doing their share and expecting you to pick up their slack day in day out.

So he hasn't changed.

If you get back together fully, at least you know what you're signing up for.

Do you want to sign up for that, again?

Right, this guy is ready to move back in and he is trying to force your hand by revealing the situation to the children.

He has zero respect for you, the children or anyone’s needs but his own. Even the dog suffers.

Get rid and get out. He won’t ever change.

Give up now. He's a lazy sod who won't change and you'll be back to all the resentment and the disagreements that led you to separate in the first place.

Plus you are putting your DC through it all again - the hope that 'Daddy's come back' and then the realisation that it's not working and you are splitting up again.

He can't even be bothered to make a half assed effort in the honeymoon few weeks with you! If he cared that much about fixing things he would. You discussed the roles - and he's immediately finding loopholes because it's easier to let you do all the chores whilst he lies in bed.

He's a waste of space.