Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

He's an ex for a reason. I'd honestly just go back to being separated and go for the divorce. Whatever the reasons you separated in the first place are unlikely to have changed.

He sounds irritating. Getting up on time and tending to 2 tasks is a very small ask. He clearly isn't someone you can count on to pull their weight and I wouldn't risk confusing the kids over a bit of sex, which is probably all he's good for.

Yes, do not be a "cock before kids" parent.
Please.

Ive met countless Teachers who are absolute scatter brains despite their dedication to their careers. This includes members of my family, one who although not formally diagnosed now says she has a degree of the condition after filling in professional online tests. According to OPs posts I strongly suspect he does have a degree of this much misunderstood condition. It's a difficult thing to admit to, especially given his job.

You have to ask ?
Nothings changed, he won’t change and he’s broken an agreement and boundaries at the children’s expense as well as your own.
Before the kids think you are getting back together make some excuse that the dog was up sick and he came over early and he jumped into your bed while you in the shower who knows try make it some sort of believable and finish this before it gets any more complicated .

He makes your life more difficult .
why can’t he step up as a dad without being in a relationship with you .

Never go back.

He's your ex for a reason, and he's reminding you of these reasons again.

File for divorce.

Well it didn't work out last time. So why would it be better this time? Find someone else.

Exes are exes for a reason.

He's simply got confortable and thinks that his feet are under the table.

Stop this nonsense and let him come over early to walk the dog for real. The polish will soon wear off and you'll seperate properly and for good, naturally.

You've tried your best and it's not going anywhere. Learn from this. What you felt was nostalgia.

PS. His "disconnect" is stubborness and selfishness: he wants things all his own way and refuses to budge an inch.

Bin him. You're better iff on your own.

The dog was/is his dog too and he helps walk him 2-3 times a week in the mornings before work whether he stays over or not. His argument is that when he doesn't stay over, this is the only job he has to do. He couldn't seem to deviate to doing an extra job and allowing extra time for that.

Are your children not his? Because if they are wouldn't he be over the moon to have the chance to have breakfast with them 2-3 times a week whether he stays over or not too?? And yet, when he does stay over, he still can't be arsed?!

At least he has reminded you early on why you are better off without him!

Red flag...he's obviously getting quite comfortable.

Red flag. It sounds like you’ve gone back to doing the things you enjoy (dating) but haven’t resolved the things you didn’t (issues that triggered your break up) or agreed what needs to change on both sides to make things work this time. I’m afraid I would pause the dating until you’ve talked things though, maybe with a relationship therapist. If this all sounds too much like an inconvenience then you have your answer. You get out what you put in. Both doing things the same things is going to equal the same things.

His behaviour sounds lazy and unsupportive but at the same time it feels like you think he should be the one changing behaviour, not you. Create a safe space for you both to express your feelings without judgement. Really listen to each other. Remember there isn’t one right way.

My DP and I do mornings in a completely different way - I’m like you I want everyone to be up, dressed and ready asap. Lunches are done the day before minus anything that goes soggy (into a Tupperware also the night before). DP is much more relaxed, chats to and plays with the children. Makes porridge even when they get up late etc. The key is when it’s his morning it’s his problem, I get myself ready for the day and get on with it. Getting the children to school is not my job that day, it’s his. Funnily enough, although I don’t really like his methodology (and the kitchen is sometimes messy and certain things don’t get taken into school), the children are all fine, all fed, all get to school on time. When it’s me the kitchen is always tidy and all the things are remembered but the children are rushed and I don’t make the time to play with them or have big chats at this time of day. Who is right or not right is not the question. It’s just different. I’m not expressing domestic bliss here (does that exist with children?!?!) but explaining how we try to avoid conflict by allowing the other one to do things their way.

A wise lady once told me 'Walk forwards not backwards'. I've found that very useful advice.

I added my post after reading your first post and not your follow ups (I think there’s the temptation to be swayed with others’ remarks). I acknowledge you have explained your feelings and tried to create a space to discuss and this has been pushed back.

I think you are right to walk away at this stage. I’m very sorry to hear this after you’ve put in so much effort and hope you can rebuild your life without any self blame. It sounds like you are nailing it by yourself anyway! I hope you are surrounded by people who care about your feelings x

What a smug thing to say. Why should OP stay with her lazy, user of a husband because someone else has cancer? He can be as good a father to the kids out of the house as ever he was in the house so its not like if OP tells him to leave he stops being a father. Or if he does that’s proof that dad in the house probably wasn’t going to be worth much.

At any rate OP has the right to live life for herself and not as mr busy head teacher’s handmaiden.

Oh no I wouldn't be going backwards. That way lies madness
And irritating ex's

Ha! Came on to say exactly this.

If you’re only late 30s you have many other options. If you were late 80s I’d say different.

You misunderstood my point which was to compare as OP said 'little irritations' to people in life who really do have something to complain about. My opinion remains.

But its only “little” in the sense that these are trivial actions which any adult partner should be able—and happy—to perform. This doesn’t take heroic action or great devotion —like standing by your disabled or dying oartner, or caring for your disabled children, or sacrificing footy for a housing deposit—it just takes the bare minimum of caring. Its literally the least he can do and he can be arsed to do it.

In that sense jettisoning him should take no more thought than asking any other deadbeat roomate to leave.

For goodness sake, he's a Deputy head Teacher, hardly a walking lout. Its Op herself who mentioned trivia & little irritations & in my opinion this is exactly what it appears like.

But you're doing the same; you're failing to see that you might be in the wrong in this situation!
If you didn't want your kids finding him in your bed why are you having him sleep over - EVER?
He's either your boyfriend or your husband, you're expecting him to act like both simultaneously.
He said he'd make the kids their breakfast so you weren't late, he could have then taken the dog for a shorter walk while the kids were eating but that wasn't a good enough option for you.
Now the kids have seen Daddy staying over you're stopping it - you're the controlling person in this relationship!

What? His way is lying back and waiting unitl
the op has to take over since he also won’t take the kids to school so she will have to get them ready somehow after he is supposed to do two things and does fuck all? That’s not letting him do things his way. I do think she should fuck off out of the house at 6:30 every morning he’s there and let him do it all or be late to work, but there is no other way to let him do things his own way. Even then if he did it his own way would also involve leaving a shit tip behind in the house, guaranteed.

Red flag

If you can't sort out the mornings, you haven't a snowball's chance in hell.

However irritated you were on this morning, times that by 7 days, times by 52 weeks a year.

He sounds like someone who doesn't pull his weight.

Neither of you know how to compromise.

You're not going to do school dinners 3 days a week, or work out pack lunches you can make the night before. You don't want to walk the dog and you don't want or can't afford a dog walker.

He doesn't want to get out of bed and do chores. I'm not sure what he does of value in the home.

So now all he has to do is have sex once a week with you. And he gives what exactly to you?

Good for you for not being a martyr or walked all over.

But I have an inkling why you kicked him out. And I think sooner or later, you'll kick him out again.