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Original poster

Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

250 replies

Marsmalteser · 25/04/2024 08:31

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2024 02:25

Yes @Marsmalteser how dare you expect him to actually do what he said?! Really what you should be doing is accepting him as the lazy arse person he is and doing it all for him!

Seems to me that what he wants is to move back in with you doing everything and him being fun dad AND him getting a shag.

Fuck that shit. Stay single. Take it from a woman of 50 who is far happier living alone!

BadLad · 29/04/2024 02:41

No point wasting time worrying about whose fault it is. It’s clearly not going to work. If your relationship was a dog, it would time to put it down. Rekindling with an ex rarely works anyway, one reason being that you don’t have the exciting honeymoon phase, where everything is new, but as you’re already getting on each other’s nerves just a few weeks in, yiu have no chance of making this work.

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2024 03:34

Marsmalteser · 27/04/2024 08:39

@Onelifeonly

  1. I made a request I did not TELL him. How you can summise this from my post is beyond me.
  2. As I take the children to school and head straight to work, what he does/doesn't do in the mornings impacts us all. I can't afford for him to be disorganised and make us late. He leaves for work 10 minutes earlier than we leave for school and has no flexibility on this as he's a deputy head teacher.
  3. if he can't do two jobs in a suitable time frame, it's preferable that he tells me and I will do everything. It's not ideal but more ideal than him making us all late.

Wow. If you want to see if he can change, jump up, walk the dog and leave by 7. Everything else is on him when he stays. Remind him if he abandons the children at home alone he’ll be risking his job anyway as you will report him. That’s what I’d have done years ago. Bullshit with his ‘non flexible leaving time’, that means he should know how to get his skates on.

user1492757084 · 29/04/2024 03:42

Red Flag. Give him one more warning.

He needs to not only manage the two tasks each morning for life to proceed on track but he has to WANT to manage the two tasks and create a harmonious start to each morning.

Tell him that managing his own time is not trivial but fair, just and the least you will tolerate.

Justcoincidences · 29/04/2024 04:56

Honestly just end it. I can’t see anything changing.

WoodBurningStov · 29/04/2024 05:05

So he's crossed a boundary by letting the dc see him in bed
He's not walking the dog/feeding the dc as agreed
Sex life isn't what you wanted
He's stonewalling you
Refuses to go counselling

Only you know why you left him the first time round, but is the above behaviour an improvement? I think you need to raise your bar! His presence should enhance your life, not make it worse

TinySmol · 29/04/2024 05:20

Katiesaidthat · 25/04/2024 12:58

Man is the only being that trips over the same stone twice. It seems women do too.

So true. I'm stealing this quote.

WeaselOrFerret · 29/04/2024 05:25

Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 00:03

I was hoping to not have to justify my routines etc but for those focusing on the logistics of the situation 🥴:
-He prefers to shower at night, I prefer to shower in the morning- win/win. If anyone wants to know why I prefer to shower in the morning... I leak wee post children, like many other women. I feel more hygienic showering in the morning.

  • I would say I have a desire not to be late and to avoid children having meltdowns with regards to me trying to keep to routines. For example, youngest DC can take up to 20 minutes to eat breakfast... all needs to be factored in. It's not a clash in "style" it's a clash of priorities and unfortunately his priority was maximising his time in bed. This isn't a "style" it's a decision to be selfish and lazy.

Please go to the doctor about your leaking. While it is common it shouldn’t be ignored and put up with.

HollyKnight · 29/04/2024 06:03

He really crossed a line by letting the children see him in your bed. It has only been 2 months ffs. That is too soon to know if this relationship has any future. It will be so damaging for your children to have to go through their parents separating again. What a selfish man. He doesn't care about the effect on them. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself and his wants and needs. I really doubt this is a new thing for him. Can you please work on being happy on your own so you don't keep trying to have relationships with shit men.

Original poster
Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 06:56

Thanks to those who have been helpful.
I don't think he's given me much choice but to end things. He is still stonewalling because I had the audacity to explain how is actions impact us. I can't live like that again. 3 years ago, we sat with a therapist and I explained how him staying out until after midnight on Monday evenings doing a hobby with his father and then coming home and being loud was impacting on my sleep. I just wanted not to be woken by him a) coming in and slamming around b) an hour later than him coming home by then loudly coming to bed.

I requested that he stayed with his father on Mondays for this reason. He refused to see my point of view and said "I don't see why you can't just put up with having a wakeful night once a week. I don't want to stay there."

The therapist at the time said he seemed to have some form of "disconnect" because he kept arguing with my request. She said that he needed some individual therapy with her which he refused. He never returned to therapy again.

The whole thing has taught me that nothing had changed. The disconnect is still there- arguing the toss about what he thinks I should want and feel. It's a shame because surface level, he has acted very differently in the last 6 months- I thought he had changed but clearly, deep down, he's still selfish.

I've told him he won't be staying over again and that I'm ending this rekindling based wholly on his reaction of stonewalling. His response was to defend himself initially "I don't agree...." i can't be going around in circles with him again so that's it.

I just can't believe that his need to be right always comes before him having a bit of respect for my wishes. He needs to be right more than he needs this relationship to work. It's his reaction more than anything else. I can see that he will never change. He is impossible.

OP posts:
Smurfland · 29/04/2024 06:57

Just end it. You are wasting your time with him. He won’t change and you will be back wishing you had never done this within months if he moved back in. He sounds incapable of changing.

WhiteExpressRecovery · 29/04/2024 07:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 29/04/2024 07:02

Marsmalteser · 29/04/2024 06:56

Thanks to those who have been helpful.
I don't think he's given me much choice but to end things. He is still stonewalling because I had the audacity to explain how is actions impact us. I can't live like that again. 3 years ago, we sat with a therapist and I explained how him staying out until after midnight on Monday evenings doing a hobby with his father and then coming home and being loud was impacting on my sleep. I just wanted not to be woken by him a) coming in and slamming around b) an hour later than him coming home by then loudly coming to bed.

I requested that he stayed with his father on Mondays for this reason. He refused to see my point of view and said "I don't see why you can't just put up with having a wakeful night once a week. I don't want to stay there."

The therapist at the time said he seemed to have some form of "disconnect" because he kept arguing with my request. She said that he needed some individual therapy with her which he refused. He never returned to therapy again.

The whole thing has taught me that nothing had changed. The disconnect is still there- arguing the toss about what he thinks I should want and feel. It's a shame because surface level, he has acted very differently in the last 6 months- I thought he had changed but clearly, deep down, he's still selfish.

I've told him he won't be staying over again and that I'm ending this rekindling based wholly on his reaction of stonewalling. His response was to defend himself initially "I don't agree...." i can't be going around in circles with him again so that's it.

I just can't believe that his need to be right always comes before him having a bit of respect for my wishes. He needs to be right more than he needs this relationship to work. It's his reaction more than anything else. I can see that he will never change. He is impossible.

At least you can look back and know you tried to make it work, and that the decision to end it for good is the right one.

💐

strawberry2017 · 29/04/2024 07:03

It's that age old saying. When someone shows you who they are the first time- believe them.

Nosygirl01 · 29/04/2024 07:29

He’s let the kids find him in bed so it’s harder to end it with him now they know. Red flag!

exomoon · 29/04/2024 07:44

I've told him he won't be staying over again and that I'm ending this rekindling based wholly on his reaction of stonewalling. His response was to defend himself initially "I don't agree...." i can't be going around in circles with him again so that's it.

Sounds like you made the right decision.

Jeezitneverends · 29/04/2024 07:48

At least you’ll never wonder “what if” you’ve tried again and he’s confirmed who he is…look forward to the future and what will hopefully remain a Good co-parenting relationship

marzipanlover81 · 29/04/2024 07:51

poor children being involved in all this
what the heck are they going to grow up thinking a marriage is like

Cetim · 29/04/2024 07:52

I had written a whole long post on this but then saw the update. Things move quick on MN 🤣

Shinealight99 · 29/04/2024 07:56

Hats off to families with young children where both parents work full time and they also cater for the needs of a dog. I seriously don't know how they do it. It's stressful enough trying to cater for yourself and the children in the mornings. It's no wonder you sound frazzled OP.

LittleGreenDragons · 29/04/2024 07:58

So he's unreliable, a liar, lazy, selfish, sabotaging your life/routines, being cruel to the dog by not letting it wee in the morning, AND you have hardly have any sex despite him sleeping in your bed.

Tell me again why you want to rekindle your marriage please as I don't understand what you are getting from this.

Mirandawrongs · 29/04/2024 08:06

OP, in the nicest possible way you are a pair of comfy slippers for him.

he sees it that you’ve taken him back, so he has returned to old behaviours
why does he need to respond or respect you?
you’ll always take him back.

he doesn’t have to do anything for the kids, you’ll do it.

If you really want to “date” him then actually date him.

no sleepovers, go out for dates, get him to make an effort.

however, he is already showing you he will not change and apparently doesn’t need to.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/04/2024 08:11

I’m glad to hear you’re ending it. Now you have full closure, no what ifs, or should I have tried harder etc, you know that no amount of time is going to make this work. Onwards and upwards.

DrBlackbird · 29/04/2024 08:11

@Marsmalteser I know that an explanation isn’t an excuse and behaviour is behaviour, but I wondered if the ex-DH is on the ASD. The not seeing situation from anyone else’s perspective, the reflexive arguing back, the ‘disconnect’ from emotions (alexithymia), an inability to shift routines / need for routine etc. Particularly the arguing back.

Understanding this may be an explanation for his behaviour doesn’t mean accepting it, but you could suggest he read up about it to better understand himself.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 29/04/2024 08:15

Sounds like he’s ok as a separated co parent but no good as a partner.

Good for you giving it another go, but yeah, he’s not partner materiel.