Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

I completely agree.

If you had separated 2 weeks ago, then I’d understand trying again but it’s been 2 years!

This relationship obviously doesn’t work and it’s not going to work.

You don’t have to be with someone just because you have kids/history.

Don’t be in a relationship just because it’s ‘easy’.

My parents have spent the past 40+ years on and off and my mum who is now 60 has finally started to realise that she has literally wasted her life.
She says how she was never truly happy she just thought she was but she could have actually had a lovely life either being single or meeting someone new.

Put a stop to it. He's having a thrill 'secretly-not-secretly' getting his legover. He's letting your daughters know that's what he's doing. This devalues you.
Put a stop to it.

Just tell him it's a shame he can't pull his weight on the parenting front, because if he could you'd be much more likely to get back with him.

Your life shouldn't be easier without him in it, but it is, so what's the point of him?

He's lost his staying over privileges because he's a lazy twat; I imagine that's why you broke up with him in the first instance.

Do this! Tell him things are going too fast for you and you just wish to be good friends for the foreseeable. He just needs to put others first a bit - walk the dog, get the kids breakfast, take some of the load off you.

Why would anyone date an ex, especially an ex-husband (i.e., you were together for a long time, went through the effort of getting married and having kids, that didn't work. Then went through the effort of breaking up...).

Surely there can be no more "what if's"?

You sound high maintenance.

Exactly. The reasons it didn't work last time are still, unsurprisingly, the reasons it isn't working now.

And blowing your cover with the children purely because of his laziness is a huge deal -- how dare he give them false hope their parents might get back together and resume life as before, when you had presumably agreed that this would be a really bad idea, so you needed to keep his sleeping over secret?

🚩

This smacks of disrespect towards you. I think he's being deliberately manipulative, making sure your girls see him, so that you're pushed into taking him back. I'd tell him to do one. There's a reason you split up in the first place. Don't confuse your girls further.

He’s defaulting to type very quickly.
He's making your secret trysts public.
Neither of which is respectful to you, so not going to work.

My ex and I blur the lines, but he wouldn’t cross any of those lines. He also doesn’t spend the night unless our daughter is away, because I have no interest in setting up house with him again, so we’re not trying to cause confusion for the child.

Your husband is too comfortable, too quickly, so he’s trampling all over your boundaries.

That said, why is it compulsory the dog is walked first? Can’t you just leave him to figure out the morning and you just go about your business?

This ^^^

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like this is going well. You have both fallen back into your old pattern/habits. It doesn't sound like he's going to contribute much.

I am not going to go as far as most others here and say to get rid, as it sounds as if neither of you have done any work on making changes to how you interact and communicate.

If you are serious about starting again, you both have to let go of past resentments, talk openly about what you each need and expect from each other. You both need to be honest if something isn't working and not let it build up. It isn't about looking backwards, it is about looking forward to what you want the marriage to be, not what it was. Reconciling a marriage is incredibly hard to do and should not be rushed. For the moment, I would recommend you continue to live apart while you explore together, all cards on the table, what you both want. Explain to each other and evaluate whether you can each meet what the other needs. It may not be linear, because you both have to learn new ways of engaging. It requires hard work and commitment from both of you. If he (or you) are not willing to do things differently, the outcome will be the same.

Just to update generally after reading the posts:
There is very little sex going on so I really don't think that this is about getting his leg over. We didn't have sex this week or last which I personally would prefer it if we did have sex.
The children never come into me during the night and always shout from their beds. The plan is that if I was shouted and they then needed to get into bed with me he would go in the spare room onto the pullout bed before they had left their bedrooms.
I do think that he is seeking the comfort of being back in the fold as opposed to wanting to make a proper, concerted effort with me sadly.
He refuses counselling as he "doesn't believe in it."
I am the only one communicating really. He's very much a non-communicator.
The dog was/is his dog too and he helps walk him 2-3 times a week in the mornings before work whether he stays over or not. His argument is that when he doesn't stay over, this is the only job he has to do. He couldn't seem to deviate to doing an extra job and allowing extra time for that.
The poster who mentioned that he should be enhancing our mornings, not sabotaging them- this in a nutshell is how I feel.
It doesn't matter how much I communicate, he has his own agenda but rarely sees the bigger picture of how his timings impact everyone else which is totally infuriating. This was an issue during our marriage. Aside from this, he's more hands on than most men I know. The problem is that he dips out when he feels like it, prioritises tasks in a way that suits him and inconveniences others. He is disconnected from his emotions- this is the main reason we split. I felt emotionally very lonely.

Aside from this, he's more hands on than most men I know.

I suspect both he and you are both aware that the bar is set low for men, so you both (subconsciously) see anything he does as a bonus, rather than a minimum.

If you copied his behaviour, the house and the children's lives would go to shit. But somehow if you did it too, he'd probably think you're being neglectful... think about that. You don't get to indulge in laziness because you have to hold it all together to accommodate his laziness.

I don’t think you’re going to find a solution to your emotional loneliness with this man.

He’s showing you who/how he is. This is his best self and you have to decide if that’s enough for you.

We don’t always get everything we need from the person we partner with. And being frank, I don’t believe that there’s a long line of brilliant men waiting out there. So sometimes the choice is between doing it by yourself or keeping an imperfect relationship. Either way we will need to look elsewhere for what’s missing.

When that’s a matter of hiring a cleaner, getting a meal service, au pair or taking up a hobby that’s one thing. But emotional connection is different. Because being with someone who doesn’t fill up that need feels worse than being alone. It’s like an open wound being continually poked instead of having a chance to heal.

Relationships are for more nuanced than we can communicate on forums and only you know what’s right for you op. But do consider your needs carefully, not just what suits him or the dc.

Well, given all that, don't you think you're wasting your time trying to salvage the relationship?

He doesn't communicate
He refuses relationship counselling
He's not a team player
You're not getting the sex life you'd like
You're not getting the emotional connection you long for

The relationship doesn't work for you.

Alll that hassle and handholding in exchange for his occasionally walking his own dog and no sex? Come ON! He’s not even an FWB. Where are the benefits?

Not only are you setting the bar low for him but his own bar is…well I can’t think of anything lower than a man whose wife has kicked him out who “doesn’t think there is a problem.” Of course there is a problem! And he should want to fix it.

Im married to a functioning adult man: he keeps a running list of what he needs to do at work, for our children, for the house, and for me. I don’t need to remind him! Because we matter to him. My happiness matters to him.

I think you married someone essentially selfish and self absorbed. He doesn’t fit with you emotionally and he can’t be bothered to do more than the bare minimum he has decided is adequate. Push him out of the nest again. You could get more care snd empathy from getting another dog.

Why dont you swap a chore.

There'll be a pile on now.

I cannot digest any of this as I cannot get past the fact that you allow your children to play on grass where your dog craps 🤢

Make your divorce final and sort out 50/50 child care arrangements (or CMS and whatever split works). Then you will have free time to make friends, have hobbies and generally focus on yourself. He is adding nothing to your life and actually making it harder! You deserve more x

This!

You've tried and given it your best shot. It hasn't worked as both of you have to make an effort. Don't feel guilty that it is this way. You've done all you could and are now free to move on and find someone who does meet your needs.

Time to sort things out officially so you can carve out a life for yourself and do things that make you happy.

Thanks all.
You're right that I'm not getting enough benefits out of rekindling anything. I certainly won't settle for the same thing again but that appears to be what he's striving for.
He messaged me saying he doesn't see the problem with him just walking the dog like he "normally" does. I sent him a list of 4 reasons why this is not ok on Thursday. He hasn't responded and doesn't appear to be speaking to me. I think for me, his stone walling reaction to anything I raise is worse than him opting for bare minimum. The lack of effort from him hurts the most. He will not understand the issues at all and will be telling himself that it isn't working because of my "changeable moods."
Oh well, I tried. I can't make him understand it, I can only tell it to him.
I'd love to find love again, but finding decent functional men in my late thirties seems impossible. I was hoping that we could rekindle our marriage after time apart as he seemed to have changed somewhat. Clearly he hasn't.

First of all, people don't fundamentally change. He feels comfortable with you and is being himself.

Second, to rekindle a relationship (which I've never done), I imagine there would be a need for a "dating" period - times you focus exclusively on each other and have fun. All you've done is slot him back into your domestic life once a week.

Thirdly, while I totally understand your frustration, you talk about him as if he is your minion. " I told him he had to do x." That's hardly conducive to rekindling anything. You need to be fully present for each other, not nagging him, if you truly wish to make this work.

It isn't trivial and I would be resentful.

He's already got himself comfortably back into it the way he likes it.

He had 2 jobs to secure a future with you and he couldn't be arsed to do them. Because he thinks he doesn't have to.

@Onelifeonly

1. I made a request I did not TELL him. How you can summise this from my post is beyond me.
2. As I take the children to school and head straight to work, what he does/doesn't do in the mornings impacts us all. I can't afford for him to be disorganised and make us late. He leaves for work 10 minutes earlier than we leave for school and has no flexibility on this as he's a deputy head teacher.
3. if he can't do two jobs in a suitable time frame, it's preferable that he tells me and I will do everything. It's not ideal but more ideal than him making us all late.