Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

You two seem completely opposite personality wise. He’s laid back and you sound quite intense and like you like to micro manage and be in full control. He’s good as long as he sticks to your parameters. That’s fine if you can find a guy who’s ideas on how things should be done align with yours, but be honest, even if you met this man, would you be happy for him to still want to do things but in his way? Would it not irritate you if it wasn’t done the way you’d worked it out yourself? I myself can micro-manage and I find it really hard letting go of control of things, which I know I need to be better at as it’s not fair on other people and only makes me unhappy when it’s not done the way I’d like it or would do it myself. I empathise with your plan on his overnight stays as I can see myself working something out carefully myself and being really frustrated and bewildered that the other person hasn’t ‘stuck to the plan’ - when they agreed to and it would have worked out if they had done. I’d feel let down and annoyed as you did. But like I said in the beginning, your personalities seem so different you’re both going to be irritated by the other’s default way of doing things unless you can both compromise and meet each other in the middle.

It doesn’t sound like you are madly in love with him, just hoping he can change - as he probably said he would - as there are no other better options out there right now. If he’s serious about re-starting the relationship properly with you and you cannot accept him the way he is then you need to be absolutely clear that if he is serious, NOW is the time to prove he can change as it’s his last chance.

From what you’ve said it sounds like he wants his old life with his family back but he may be simply be incapable of meeting your expectations. Laziness and thoughtlessness is one thing which can and should be changed if you want adult relationships, but deepset outlooks usually don’t unless there’s a strong motivator. He didn’t necessarily choose to be that way any more than you chose your personality. There is a choice obviously in how we behave but there’s also a natural inclination into being a certain type - which is subjectively good or bad. It’s about recognising what may impact negatively on others around you and trying your best to modify it. Is he a procrastinator? Do you suspect he may have ADHD/ADD? It can present differently in adults than children and may be worth reading up on.

With kindness.... What the fuck are you doing? How did you and your children's mental stability slip to the bottom of your priority list? How the fuck is he a deputy head if he can't even see the ramifications of his actions? If he can't perform two incredibly basic tasks?! He can do it. He's CHOOSING NOT TO, to keep you in place.

He values you even less than you think, and clearly wants you to just be quiet and let him underachieve. I'd get formal contact in place for the kids and then finally fully flush this turd.

Op, he has zero respect for you. You are making the right decision

OP, your posts have made me feel very sad for you.
Making the decision to separate and following through with it is so hard and stressful and painful, and you did it. And you had valid reasons to do it.

And to let him back in again and go back to the same unsatisfying, shitty dynamic feels like such a waste of yours and your kids life.

The only person this benefits is your ex.
End this before you get too invested.

I wish PP would stop criticizing OP for her supposed tone in requesting her husband and father of her children perform two, simple, everyday tasks for his children—that he has agreed to do! The standards for men are so low here, sometimes, it’s unbelievable. Are there women who get away with half assing the morning because of “temperament?”

Having him stay over one night a week and sneaking around behind kids backs was never going to work. He's basically going to feel like a guest in that situation, it's inevitable the kids will catch you out, and the extra stress of trying to keep it hidden isn't helping. That's evident by the biggest part of your complaint being about DC finding him in your bed because he didn't follow your requests exactly. But you let him into your bed knowing there was a chance of the DC discovering, so you that's equally on you.

Either 'date' without him staying over, or have him stay on the spare room (letting the kids know in advance that he'll be there). At the moment you're sneaking round like a couple of teenagers and then having a guilt trip when you get caught out. It'll never go well in those circumstances, regardless of any other issues (probably the reasons why you separated in the first place).

Quite a lengthy post, and not one mention of anything you like about him. Only you can say of this is a deal breaker for you. I personally I wouldn't be bothered about him not taking the dog out or the breakfast, you were showering and drying your hair, could you not do this the night before? Him letting the children know you had a sleep over is not ideal and shows hes disregarded their feelings.

You sound like his mum micromanaging him.
I don't blame you for that OP. It sounds like a compatibility issue more than anything else so you end up managing him. It doesn't sound fun or realistic long term. The reasons for the split have to be assessed in detail with a real reflection as to whether those issues can actually be changed.

Reading that made me want to scream OP. It's not going to work.x

Leopards do not change their spots as uve found out

I think you should go to couple's therapy.

That way you will either have a good divorce or a good fresh start.

I would pull the plug now. He's never going to change and you deserve a partner not another child to keep tabs on. You separated for a reason, rarely do those reasons go away. Get rid.

I think you have to think about it from both sides.
If he had got out the shower and glared at you because you hadn't started your chores yet would you feel the same?
If he is already ready and doing things while you are still getting ready that surely means he is doing more?!
With anything this communication is key but you both have to be open to criticism.

The only way this will work is if it’s really like dating, he doesn’t stay over and doesn’t then have any responsibilities.
As it stands you aren’t treating him like a date (you wouldn’t expect a date to walk the dog, see to kids etc) and he’s not behaving like a date but like someone lazy and comfortable in a long term relationship.
I suspect his lack of investment, involvement, consideration were all underlying reasons for the original split. Does he actually know this? You could give it one last try. Meet him at a coffee shop and explain fully. But in all likelihood he’s not going to change.

Run, jump, exit. Fast.

Dh and I split for just over 8 months when our DC were small, I just couldn't cope with his lack of effort another day. He lived in a flat, and when we started to discuss him coming back, I told him that if things slipped back we were going to break our DC all over again so that wasn't an option. If he wanted a lazy quiet life, he needed to stay in the flat. We didn't do counselling but were at least able to communicate better for some space. When he did come back, he was almost "too" helpful, and I then had to tell him to relax and stop trying so hard! And going forwards if he did slip back to old habits, a gentle "I need more from you than this, remember" was enough.

The fact your DH is lolling about on the bed on the phone rather than help you out when he's only just got his foot back in the door? He's past being worthy to you.

You separated for reason. You're finding him annoying already.

The sneaking around hiding from the children isnt helping you.

Is he really worth it?

Definition of insanity = enacting the same thing again and expecting a different result.

You don't say how old your kids are, but this must be a total head fuck for them. You've tried to take steps to protect them and he's let them find him undressed in your bed! This for me alone would be enough to give him his matching orders.

He doesn't appear to be making any effort, is he just slipping back into old habits? You run the risk of being right back where you were two years ago if this continues. It sounds like you are done though, so bite that bullet and move forwards. Time to give him his marching orders and serve papers.

You've already answered the question within your post. I don't usually comment on posts but this one resonates with me. I met someone who was separated, having to deal with moving the divorce forward, still being the main breadwinner and the changes in living arrangements, whilst he was good father the lack of support in the areas you mentioned was unrelenting, not contributing financially that was never an major contributing factor it was that help and support in areas that would have made a huge difference to the pressures he had no self awareness or desire to. After 2 years since we last saw each other I bumped into her and she told me they were reconciling, if she told me he had changed or that she felt supported and valued i would have been happy for her, as hard as it would be been to hear. But he hadn't changed and there's a good chance for the sake of her children and the family unit which she felt guilty having changed it she would maintain this, her happiness the price she w as willing to pay. You deserve and should demand happiness, as should your husband as i magine most guys are decent people and its not the relationship they started with and hoped it would become. When they initially told their daughters they were upset but not shocked and thats because they recognised the relationship between their parents was one of unhappiness and the way they spoke to each other not loving or caring. Give him 10 more chances number 11 might be the one where we it clicks for him, or maybe it'll be chance number 19 or the next chance would be amazing but chances and opportunities to make it work are only talked about amd handed out when it's clear there is little effort or change. If things had Improved and the future looked positive and exciting then you wouldn't have written this post or be wondering if this is something you should accept and hope that things change and ive never been a fan of hoping, hoping is when you want a different outcome but you know nothing has changed so it shouldn't be expected, warranted and hope is a nice thing, your visualising what happiness might feel like and the family unit stays together and not fragmented so your worries about how it will effect your daughters goes away. Divorce doesn't have to be bitter snf and vindictive but it can be brutal and make people do and say things about someone that hey cared about at some point. She told me once that he sais if they ever got divorced he would make her life a living hell, just because he wouldn't do it, as long as they stayed together, being prepared to go there is why its unlikely ever going to change amd her deelings and happiness are not a priority or important. This is why I never comment I ramble and go off on tangents. I could have condensed all that and just said 'no more chances, lawyer up, don't change Facebook status till after you've told him, kids will be upset but they will understand and your happiness is as important and key to your kids happiness....they are not mutually exclusive'

This. he has shown you who he is, its up to you to decide if that is what you want or not.

Write off eight weeks and say good bye. Only sensible option.

As you have been separated for two years , and he only stays once a week , why are you treating him any differently to a friend who might stay . Why is he given jobs to do , how do you manage in the morning when he isn't there ?

However , if you see it as a trial run , it's not working , best you stay separated .

He’s deliberately disrespectful of the boundaries you have set.

stop the sleep overs and be very clear that you’re separated and if there’s any chance of getting back together, you need him to be respectful of you and your family.