Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

250 replies

Marsmalteser · 25/04/2024 08:31

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 29/04/2024 23:06

Oh good god “He’s a head teacher?” What does that have to do with his failure to prioritize his children or ordinary household chores?

Mummaoffour1234 · 29/04/2024 23:11

I’ve written a follow up post.

HelloJillll · 30/04/2024 07:53

Good on ya for ending it again.

Speaking from experience, many women in their mid-late thirties settle because there’s a horror show on dating apps & better the devil you know but leaving space for someone wonderful would actually enhance your life rather than drag you down like your ex.

I met my husband at 37. 2 months after killing off my own rekindling.

Original poster
Marsmalteser · 30/04/2024 09:06

Where did you meet @HelloJillll ?
Dating apps are horrendous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marsmalteser · 30/04/2024 09:17

One of his arguments has been that the dog can wait 5 minutes for a walk whilst he did the childrens breakfasts first (bearing in mind we are trying to keep him off the grass in the garden so try to walk him instead until the fence is put around the grass this weekend). This morning, he was collecting the children to take them to breakfast club as I needed to work earlier today and I was just about to take the dog for his 10 minute walk and I couldn't find my keys quickly enough after putting on his lead etc. The dog was waiting for me next to the front door and was clearly getting impatient so he did a big shit next to the front door.

I thought the dog did a fantastic display of what happens if we don't have our things together quickly enough and in the correct order. I pointed it out to my ex as he was stood there waiting for the children to put on their shoes etc. "This is why the dog can't wait..."

OP posts:
exomoon · 30/04/2024 09:22

I hope he's not coming back ever again. Did he clean the dog mess?

hobocock · 30/04/2024 10:30

Fucking hell. I've just read all your posts and I'm worn out reading them. This must be exhausting for you and it's bringing nothing to your life but disruption. I'm glad you have decided to end things. You tried, it hasn't worked. He's never going to change. He won't go to therapy. He won't seek help for possible ASD. He won't make compromises. He won't cooperate with household tasks. He causes chaos in the mornings.His way of living is not compatible with yours.

I also tried to rekindle things with an ex and it was very similar to this. It started off ok but then it was just back to the same old thing. Him staying out late after hobby groups, drinking with friends, then coming back in making a hell of a noise, crashing out and then having to be up again at 5 am for work and making a similar amount of noise banging around in the bathroom and kitchen.

They don't change OP.

Callm · 30/04/2024 11:35

You say you find mornings more stressful when he is there I think it is a red flag think about why it ended he has got his feet back under the table and doesn't feel it necessary to change his behaviour

TheChipsAreOnFire · 30/04/2024 12:46

OP I am with @HelloJillll on this one - my ex was very much the same as yours sounds, taking time over own priorities and leaving me run ragged juggling everything else, making stressful situations even worse instead of helping.

You deserve to be with someone who enhances your life and makes things feel easier, not harder.

I met a lovely man online and our relationship is like night and day compared to that with my ex. Yes, there are horror stories out there but I wouldn't use that as a reason to settle for less than you deserve with your ex.

It doesn't sound like you have a solid childcare arrangement with the ex either - if he is the father of your children he simply has to sort himself out and get into a position where he can have them and the dog regularly instead of this half baked arrangement with dog walking and you doing all of the parenting. I have found it staggering that my ex actually can manage "adulting" and does a good job of parenting because I am not there as the default. Once you have dependable child free time, you will be able to focus more on what you want and possibly look for someone new instead of feeling like the only choices are being alone or taking a useless ex back.

Shinealight99 · 30/04/2024 19:46

Marsmalteser · 30/04/2024 09:17

One of his arguments has been that the dog can wait 5 minutes for a walk whilst he did the childrens breakfasts first (bearing in mind we are trying to keep him off the grass in the garden so try to walk him instead until the fence is put around the grass this weekend). This morning, he was collecting the children to take them to breakfast club as I needed to work earlier today and I was just about to take the dog for his 10 minute walk and I couldn't find my keys quickly enough after putting on his lead etc. The dog was waiting for me next to the front door and was clearly getting impatient so he did a big shit next to the front door.

I thought the dog did a fantastic display of what happens if we don't have our things together quickly enough and in the correct order. I pointed it out to my ex as he was stood there waiting for the children to put on their shoes etc. "This is why the dog can't wait..."

So every time there are unexpected issues which mean you can't be like clockwork in the mornings all hell breaks loose & someone is to blame for making the dog wait. I think you've just described the reason I'd never want a dog while trying to work & bring up children.

HelloJillll · 30/04/2024 20:00

Marsmalteser · 30/04/2024 09:06

Where did you meet @HelloJillll ?
Dating apps are horrendous.

Oh god they are but I met my husband on Hinge. I went on to close my account because I had truly given up but there he was.

I was (officially) single for a couple of years, a lot of that was Covid, and had my moments of panic but so so happy I didn’t settle. My ex was always in the background & funnily enough we met up for dog walks twice a week too!

Volpini · 30/04/2024 20:12

Marsmalteser · 25/04/2024 08:31

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

As many people have said. the thing that leapt out at me in this was the kids finding him in your bed.
I would have expected him to take the issue of getting his kids’ hopes up prematurely very very seriously - that he was so cavalier about this was a big shiny red flag to me. I’d be absolutely livid about this whether or not the other stuff was bothering me. He sounds incredibly careless about his kids. At best.

T1Dmama · 30/04/2024 23:21

I think it was very unfair to get the children’s hopes up that mum and dad might get back together! The job of telling them that it’s not going to happen now falls on you!…
My belief is that ex’s are ex’s for a reason…. I imagine it’s VERY rare that relationships work a second time round unless there’s been some big change (like lots of time passed so everyone is more mature, kids grown up or other pressures gone,)… Having split with my ex who NEVER helped with anything DD related I’m 100% certain I’m better off single!!
There’s a saying about not having to be alone to feel lonely… and men like this are the example.,,, I was often lonely and felt unloved in his company… he’s been gone 2 years and there’s literally nothing I miss!

Mumof2choasensues · 01/05/2024 07:06

To be honest sounds like he hasn’t changed and still doing what he was doing while you was together. If you can’t be together and dating is more stressful then I don’t see this working long term. You need to set boundaries and if he can’t respect once he has agreed I would leave or you need to accept he may not walk the dog when you want and accept this is what he is like and be more flexible. Your children will watch this relationship and it will shape how they perceive their own. You need to know your self worth and decide what your willing to put up with and what your willing to let go.

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 08:15

I think it was very unfair to get the children’s hopes up that mum and dad might get back together!

i doubt these children had much “high hopes” for anything with regards to their parents marriage

hobocock · 01/05/2024 08:25

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 08:15

I think it was very unfair to get the children’s hopes up that mum and dad might get back together!

i doubt these children had much “high hopes” for anything with regards to their parents marriage

Probably not. Depends on the ages of the children I suppose.
But kids discovering their dad back in their mum's bed and dad being there overnight one day a week, taking part in family life, causing mayhem at breakfast time are probably going to start thinking dad is coming back. Unless they are older, cynical teenagers!

marzipanlover81 · 01/05/2024 08:30

hobocock · 01/05/2024 08:25

Probably not. Depends on the ages of the children I suppose.
But kids discovering their dad back in their mum's bed and dad being there overnight one day a week, taking part in family life, causing mayhem at breakfast time are probably going to start thinking dad is coming back. Unless they are older, cynical teenagers!

Show quote history

i imagine even if younger, the sight was more greeted with “oh, more shouting and arguments to come”

diddl · 01/05/2024 10:36

Poor dog!

I would have thought the dog getting out for his toilet walk would happen first thing.

altmember · 01/05/2024 16:06

Marsmalteser · 30/04/2024 09:17

One of his arguments has been that the dog can wait 5 minutes for a walk whilst he did the childrens breakfasts first (bearing in mind we are trying to keep him off the grass in the garden so try to walk him instead until the fence is put around the grass this weekend). This morning, he was collecting the children to take them to breakfast club as I needed to work earlier today and I was just about to take the dog for his 10 minute walk and I couldn't find my keys quickly enough after putting on his lead etc. The dog was waiting for me next to the front door and was clearly getting impatient so he did a big shit next to the front door.

I thought the dog did a fantastic display of what happens if we don't have our things together quickly enough and in the correct order. I pointed it out to my ex as he was stood there waiting for the children to put on their shoes etc. "This is why the dog can't wait..."

So it's just as chaotic in the mornings when your ex isn't there? Whole situation sounds stressful at the best of times, and it's not just your ex's fault.

I do think you're being incredibly optimistic to expect the dog to hang on through the morning chaos to do his business until you're ready to take him out for a walk. Can understand not wanting him to go on your lawn, but really that's unavoidable and not fair on the dog. Sorry to be brutally honest, but it sounds like you're trying to control your ex and your dog in the same way!

Original poster
Marsmalteser · 01/05/2024 19:55

altmember · 01/05/2024 16:06

So it's just as chaotic in the mornings when your ex isn't there? Whole situation sounds stressful at the best of times, and it's not just your ex's fault.

I do think you're being incredibly optimistic to expect the dog to hang on through the morning chaos to do his business until you're ready to take him out for a walk. Can understand not wanting him to go on your lawn, but really that's unavoidable and not fair on the dog. Sorry to be brutally honest, but it sounds like you're trying to control your ex and your dog in the same way!

Show quote history

You have completely missed the point.
The dog always gets walked first thing no matter who it is.

I really don't know how you have summised differently?!

I literally get up, shower, dress, grab my keys and walk the dog. He's fast asleep in his crate downstairs until I appear at 7am with his lead in my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marsmalteser · 01/05/2024 19:56

diddl · 01/05/2024 10:36

Poor dog!

I would have thought the dog getting out for his toilet walk would happen first thing.

Its supposed to! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 01/05/2024 20:02

Why did your marriage end? Was it for the same reasons as you’re now finding?

amd you’re kidding yourself if you think your kids don’t know he’s staying over.

diddl · 01/05/2024 20:03

Marsmalteser · 01/05/2024 19:56

Its supposed to! 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Good!

I just saw your post about being up & ready to take him at 7.

I just had visions of people milling about doing x,y,z & almost forgetting the dog!

NoThanksymm · 02/05/2024 01:52

Red flag! Red flag! RED FLAG!!!!

abort! I repeat ABORT!!!

lol.

anyway. You split for a reason, he’s not respecting mutually agreed upon boundaries, and seemingly slipping into old habits.

yes I’m sure he has good points and such. But you’re just wasting your time.

end it before it gets too complicated.

Jllllllll · 02/05/2024 07:15

You separated for reason. He’s already annoying you. You’ve answered your own question. Why have you gone back to him?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page