Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

Routines are hard to compete with phones in bedroom plus phone addiction. It may seem trivial but ask him to lock his phone away and keep it out of the bedroom.

You really want to go through it all again?

You are remembering the rubbish parts and the hurt

Is being a bit late the worst thing in a partner? You are transferring your feelings ...
"We are always on time and he makes us late"
Etc

You need to work through the resentment of why you split in the first place before you can start to rebuild

I'd suggest reading the OP properly before posting.
I glared at him because the children saw him in my bed because he had failed to get out of it like we agreed.

@Marsmalteser

You gave it a good try and it's just not working for you and that's all you need to know. You don't go backward to move forward and ofttimes trying to reconcile with an Ex turns out to be doing just that.

Whether or not he thinks it's working isn't your problem. Tell him the attempt didn't work for you and that both of you need to redraw your boundaries, starting with no more overnights and respecting that your home is your home and he is now to consider himself a guest in it.

Do you think he's felt your dissatisfaction and that the failure to 'hide' from the DC was deliberate? He could have done it to make it harder for you to 're-separate' because you now (possibly) have to have a talk with them to explain that you aren't getting back together?

Sorry OP it really doesn't sound like he's that bothered about making it work.

And you already sound like you've had enough.

It's unforgivably selfish of him to let the DC see him. But also what were you thinking to risk it yourself?

I think you need to separate again OP and this time he shouldn't be coming round every five minutes to walk the dog or whatever. Why not give him the dog full time? It sounds like you're quite busy enough without a bloody dog to see to.

But the point is, you need a proper clean break to make the emotional adjustment away from him as your husband to an ex. No messing around in the middle where everyone gets hurt even more.

These are the early days of testing out if you can be both a romantic couple and work together as a team to run the family. You should both be making your best effort right now. If this is his best effort, imagine once he is back and comfortable.

Sorry but things aren’t going to change, they will slide back jist to the way they were like they already are on that one morning a week and the resentment from you will continue and worsen, you split up for a reason maybe you should remind yourself of that

OP I don’t think he will change - if he can’t even fake it while supposedly trying to impress you! Or that’s the problem, he doesn’t respect you. I would say his options are a) call it a day or b) go to couple therapy with you

devils advocate - It sounds to me personally like he’s being treated like a husband, and not someone you’re dating
I understand the wires are crossed and messy but should he be walking the dog that lives at your home?
yes he should be doing the children breakfast as that’s his children and he is there
do you think he’s being asked too much of considering you’re again only dating????

if he moves back in then absolutely he needs to pull his weight, ideally yes he should be showing this now but you have been separated 2 years and are only dating and he’s only over once a week

People don't change.

I'd guess you've gone back out of the safety of what you know.

Get divorced, move on and be happy by yourself.

Until you are, stay single.

So, you were in the shower, but you expected him to be getting ready while you were in the shower? He was probably waiting for you to get out of the shower!
And then he said he'd get the kids their breakfast but you told him not to and to walk the dog but are complaining that you were running late because he walked the dog instead of making breakfast? It sounds like he could get up and do everything in the morning and you'd be complaining that he didn't do it in the order that you do it!

What do you do on the days he doesn't stay over? Do you do it all yourself? If so why not do the same on the day he's there - it's obviously going to be more chaotic because your kids will be excited to see their Dad before school!

I think the whole letting him stay over is irresponsible - what if a child woke up in the night and went to find their mum how would they explain finding Dad there as well?

She doesn't do what she normally does, because his whole reason for being there in the morning is to make them breakfast and do the morning routine, as far as the kids are (or were) concerned.

Honestly, when me and my ex split up he asked to reconcile, and reading this has me glad we didn't try as he'd have done exactly this as well and it would have been a terrible time breaking up with him again.

3 years on when he is here visiting the kids he cooks dinner but has left the sink actually covered with food and basically clogged it. I swear about it a bit then thank my lucky stars this is just once a week!

They don't change and he doesn't care that this is bothering you. Blowing cover with the kids is not nice for them, now they will get mixed messages - so bloody unfair of him to do that to them, no consideration of them.

You need to have a serious conversation about what needs to change in order for getting back together properly to be on the cards. One of these things is pulling his weight more in the mornings, he needs to know that right now he is being more of a hindrance than a help. Although the fact you even have to spell it out for him does not bode well, especially if this sort of thing contributed to the original break up.
You both need to resolve this one way or the other asap because it’s also going to be confusing the hell out of your poor children.

I agree. Sone many Mumsnet posters missing the fact the op has a different household parenting style to her ex husband.
It's a long running theme on so many posts. Hyper rigidity regarding the household.
Either accept the way he is, stop being controlling or don't bother attempting a reconciliation.

Get rid, he wanted his housekeeper back.

Not worth it. The reason you spllit up is still there and always will be.

How on earth is "making sure the kids have what they need, when they need it and are not late for school" being rigid?!

Yes she has a strict routine because thats what you need to get everyone out with what they need on time in the morning. If he prefers to stay in bed and make promises he wont keep then .... he can stay on his own!

Seems to me that he is happy to say he will pull his weight, right up until he actually has to do it!

I read a thing yesterday by a psychologist who said the way to be happy in relationships is to accept the person for who they are and expect no more of them and if you can’t do that you need to end the relationship because the path of ‘it would be ok if x y z would change’ is the road to long term misery. He is who he is. Believe him. Make your decisions with that knowledge.

Yes, he should be walking the dog that lives in the home, because it's HIS DOG.

Read the thread properly!!

Are you seriously suggesting walking his own dog and giving his own children breakfast is asking too much? They may only be dating, but he still is a father and dog owner.

Jeez, you need to raise your bar....

I was hoping to not have to justify my routines etc but for those focusing on the logistics of the situation 🥴:
-He prefers to shower at night, I prefer to shower in the morning- win/win. If anyone wants to know why I prefer to shower in the morning... I leak wee post children, like many other women. I feel more hygienic showering in the morning.

• I would say I have a desire not to be late and to avoid children having meltdowns with regards to me trying to keep to routines. For example, youngest DC can take up to 20 minutes to eat breakfast... all needs to be factored in. It's not a clash in "style" it's a clash of priorities and unfortunately his priority was maximising his time in bed. This isn't a "style" it's a decision to be selfish and lazy.

I agree @ReadingSoManyThreads my mind boggles at some of the most recent responses. I have no desire to become a doormat, running myself ragged whilst he lounges in bed playing disney dad.

If you want a different end result you need to change things. You both know that you getting up first means he will lie in bed as long as possible. So if he stays over he has to get up before you do. If that means he walks the dog, gets the kids breakfast and has time left over, then he can make packed lunches or hang out laundry or get to work early. If you carry on as you have always done you're going to end up where you were before - apart.

You're right. OP would expect someone she was just starting to date to make more of an effort and not fail to behave as he has agreed. ExH is going to have to make more of an effort when he finds himself single again.