Dating ex husband- teething troubles already

[Marsmalteser]

My ex husband (not divorced) and I began dating again around 8 weeks ago as we both felt we wanted to try again and had feelings for each other. We have been separated 2 years this summer.

It feels like the right thing to do, however already little irritations are creeping in. He stays over one night a week (supposedly unknown to the children) but I'm finding the mornings he's here more stressful than when he isn't. The children believe that he comes over early to walk the dog and make them breakfast (supposedly). I get them up, dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, do hair (they're girls), shower myself and get myself ready. I also make the packed lunches (do not like doing them the night before- who likes soggy wraps?!)

Last week, he made them breakfast 10 minutes before we need to leave the house which made everything late because he was doing other non- priority things.

This week, we woke before the children as agreed, I reminded him that I just needed him to walk the dog and do their breakfast. He agreed. I showered, thinking he had gone to walk the dog, I came out of the shower and went to wake the children only to find them in my room with him still lying in my bed on his phone.

He hurriedly got up and dressed, I glared at him because he had obviously broken our cover with the children.

He then told me he would make their breakfast so it wasn't late like last week. I reminded him about the conversation we'd had about walking the dog first thing so that he isn't doing his business on the lawn too often (we have a small patch of grass which the children play on) and he had agreed with this weeks ago as the children are always doing roly polys on the grass.

So he went to walk the dog and their breakfast was late again as I was busy drying my hair and getting myself ready for work and doing the children's hair and school lunches.

All because he didn't get up early enough.

I know how trivial all of this sounds but he was like this when we were together- wouldn't get up until the last minute whilst I was up earlier getting ready etc. He had 2 jobs this morning,I had many. I would be loathed to do everything as normal and pretend he wasn't here, but he was here. And now the children know he slept in my bed too.

Logistically there is no easy way for us to date so please no "suggestions" there are many nuances to this situation and I don't want to have to go into all of the whys it's difficult for us to to date weekly outside of the home in this thread. I can not stay with him for other reasons i can not go into.

We had discussed the roles we would each have in the mornings but he still found some loophole where he could maximise his time in bed regardless of the children finding out he'd stayed over. I feel like I'm micromanaging him already having spoken to him before he left this morning and him finding an excuse for everything.

Is this a red flag or a minor disagreement at this point?

Just let them all be late. Stop trying to organise them. Leave early and go to the gym or something and leave him to it. They’ll be late/ni breakfast/packed lunches but it will stop him doing it again. They need consequences children( and I include your husband in that category). If he can’t step up then time to think again.

It's not trivial or 'little irritations'. It's causing you stress and - imo - your peace of mind is worth more than any man. This will be your daily life if you get back together with him and it will grind you down.

Another thing to weigh up when considering whether to get back together is the fact that you wouldn’t have any help with these tasks if you were alone. If you dated another man, you would have no expectation that he help out with your kids and dog. So again, you would be doing it by yourself.

Lastly, does your ex try and organise your time? Does he give you lists of jobs to complete? Would you like it if he did?

I understand why you're doing things the way you are, and I think it's a good thing that you're trying to reconcile with your husband if there are still feelings there. However this has also created a domestic situation where you are basicaly a single parent, you do everything, and he sort of optionally slots in occasionally. I think he maybe needs the full responsibility of properly being back (as a trial, on condition he pulls his weight) rather than being mum's boyfriend who pops over for the night, as this really does absolve him of any proper responsibility. Where's the "punishment" or learning opportunity for him in this? He doesn't pull his weight as a dad, so as a consequence he gets to have his space and freedom, but still come over and shag his wife, whilst at the same time doing even less round the house. I think you should consider asking him to come over every morning just to help with the kids and dog for a while, and see if he does that before resuming sleeping with him again.

I feel for you though he is irritating. You are annoyed with him because he is annoying, it's him not you.

It sounds like you like and fancy the guy but you run homes totally differently and that's stressful. So could he be a live out husband?

He sounds useless, why on earth would you want him back in your life?

How old are your DC?
Whose dog is it? Why is he walking it when he doesn't live there?

It sounds like he's slipped back into old habits pretty quickly now you've let him back in a bit. That's pretty stupid of him, surely he's realised that if things got so bad that you actually separated, then behaving like he used to is only going to end one way re your relationship??

He (or really, you both) should be working to improve your relationship. That means him not lazing around in bed, sticking to his promises to walk the dog early etc. But it also means you not 'micromanaging' him or getting pissy when he doesn't. He's making promises, and if he's not sticking to them, then he's not committed to changing or getting back together. You can't make him, and if he's as avoidant of responsibility for his (in)actions as I suspect, when the inevitable happens and you split up again he will convince himself it's because you're a 'nag' rather than anything to do with him.

So detach, and simply watch his actions. If it's not working for you, you need to accept that this is who he is, and whether you want this to be your life.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

If he was a new man in your life and was lounging in bed when you’d specifically asked him to be up and gone, you’d be understandably raging that he hadn’t done so. It’s a dangerous game to have someone sleep over in your bed if the children don’t know; I’d be sleeping with both ears and one eye open. I’d say that adds to you bring on edge. He’s pushing the boundaries. I’d take a break and think really hard about this one.

Yes, but actually being a single parent and knowing everything falls to you is far less frustrating and upsetting than living with a partner who could do their share but doesn't, or in fact who causes more work and chaos, IME.

No idea why anyone looks back tbh.

I'm my experience, we don't leave the first time (especially with kids) until we are absolutely DONE. We've given them every fuckinn chance they deserved and then some.

Maybe distance created rose tinted glasses?

But if you think he's changed, you're kidding yourself. People who care about you don't spend years treating you like an afterthought. Any change now is just because they want their kushty life back. Not because they care about you.

Get him gone and keep him gone.

Yes absolutely this. He's getting his feet back under the table and is confusing the children who may well think that daddy's back.

What are YOU gaining from this situation? Wouldn't it be easier for you and your children to have a firm boundary and you serving with sorting out the divorce? See a solicitor before you tell him do you're getting the actions you need to take aligned (get your ducks in a row) rather this half in half out situation. 🌹

Yes he's being very manipulative.
He wants the kids to see him so that you'll feel guilted into keeping him around.

It's so fucked up tbh as it's trampling over your boundaries completely. And, using your kids as pawns.

This isn't a nice man. He doesn't respect you. He just wants you to fall back in line and tolerate his shit.5 minutes in and he's already showing you he doesn't like you. And that he intends to treat you like crap moving forwards.

End it for good, clearly.
Expect him to throw a right proper strop like a 4 year old about it. Because he thought you were an easy target.

Sorry OP, you've been there, got the T shirt, it didn't fit first time, so why try again? He is the chilled type, you are a nit picker and somewhat controlling.

It can only get worse. It's the DC I feel sorry for.

Man is the only being that trips over the same stone twice. It seems women do too.

I am assuming a large part of the marriage breakdown was that he was unreliable. That he was lazy. That you couldn't rely on him as a partner, and instead you swapped to mum/boss mode which killed any love for him for you AND irritated him.

This really isn't okay. It's also manipulative - the girls know he stayed over so now they're going to wan to know when daddy is moving back in.

I think there was a reason you broke up and sadly, you need to remember that.

Why did you think he would change, he never will. He's showing you he never will. He misses his home comforts that's the only resason he wants to come back.
I still have feelings for my ex husband, there is no way I'd ever have him back.

So the things that irritated you about him before still irritate you? Big surprise! He isn't going to change who he is so why do you think it's going to work out this time? You need to think carefully about messing with your kids lives and whether you should carry on with this.

Nah, I'm afraid he's not arsed about either keeping the 'dating' secret (I'm sure he wants the kids to know so that they help to persuade/pressure you into him moving back full time), or in even trying to complete his previously agreed morning 'tasks' as previously discussed with you.

He just wants you to continue to do your own 'tasks' and for you to stop asking him to do any 'tasks' by weaponizing his 'incompetence' !

Was this part of why you separated in the first place ? Were you being left to do all the parenting/managing etc and he just coasted along doing the odd thing here and there and expecting gratitude ?

Whatever the original 'reasons' for the break up were, he's definitely NOT even trying is he ? Surely when you're trying to be your best self and make the marriage work again, you aren't deliberately bloody lazy/selfish etc ?

He clearly doesn't want to even try properly to find a new 'normal' which works for you both. He's only concerned with himself and what he wants to do.

I'd be telling him that it's 100% over because of his lazy, selfish and arrogant behaviour and his total lack of care or consideration for anyone but himself. (He doesn't even care that it will upset the kids again ffs ! )

It sounds like you reached a point where you could co parent well, but you’ve over stepped the mark and it’s slipping back to old habits.
he will continue to annoy you to the stage you dread him coming over re the following morning and it will all burst apart.
you have to pull back before the DCs get hopeful of happy families as you are going to rip their hearts again and it will mess their heads. They can share you but in separate houses
BTW they will know he’s sleeping over

He's forced your hand by allowing the kids to see he's slept over. Who walked the dog before he came back though?

He's being disrespectful already OP, he deliberately let the girls know he slept over! If you don't nip this in the bud now you'll be roped back in and you won't want to put your girls through it all again (I imagine that's what he's counting on).

It’s an opportunity to set a boundary at best. Tell him next week he doesn’t stay over but can come over earlier to walk dog and make the children breakfast. See what he says. It is easier for him to stay - absolutely - for him. Not for you. If he wants to date or recover marriage then he needs to consider you too

You split up for a reason. It sounds like nothing has changed. You are probably remembering the good time you had together when you should be remembering the bad.