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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

185 replies

Januaryblues24 · 23/04/2024 23:34

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Eggplant44 · 23/04/2024 23:38

Give your partner an ultimatum that you don't want his adult son living in YOUR house. Your partner was only living with you for 6 months when he moved the son in. I suspect this was planned, and I would be kicking one or both out, depending on the decision your partner makes.

TeenLifeMum · 23/04/2024 23:40

You need an honest conversation with your partner. He may need to move out and live with his son but staying as a 3 isn’t an option.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2024 23:42

I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. Your partner couldn't care less about your comfort in your own home. It's reprehensible how selfish your partner and his son are. I wouldn't waste one more minute. Kick the both of them out.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/04/2024 23:43

Kick them both out. Your partner has no right to cause friction and upset whilst in your home. You’ve been railroaded.

Irishmama100 · 23/04/2024 23:43

That is a nightmare!
You were very very kind to offer the few months but this is taking advantage.
I would not tolerate this carryon from my own children, so why would you do it for your partners adult child. Life is too short, they can “shape up or ship out”!!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2024 23:43

I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

How happy can it really be when your partner couldn't give a fuck about your needs and feeling? It's all smoke and mirrors.

Aswellisnotoneword · 23/04/2024 23:44

You'd be well within your rights to say enough is enough!

But if you want tips on how to live more happily with the status quo, my no. 1. (as a mum of young adult shift workers) would be to get yourself some white noise in your bedroom and earplugs/noise cancelling earbuds so you can sleep through his comings and goings. Plus tackle any other sources of noise e.g. fix sticky doors, put a runner in the hall etc.

And your partner needs to mitigate any inconvenience. If he won't tackle the issues with him directly HE should clean up when his son won't. HE should leave a meal out for his son so nobody has to cook in the middle of the night.

In short, the two of them should be going out of their way to make sure you're OK. If they're starting to act entitled I'd boot then both out tbh.

FeatheryStroker · 23/04/2024 23:44

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

What did he say when you spoke to him?

It's all well and good him being upset about it. You are already upset about it! Why do neither of them care about that?

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2024 23:44

Tell them both to go.

Original poster
Januaryblues24 · 23/04/2024 23:45

Thank you everyone for replying.
Railroaded is exactly the right word for how I feel.
It’s sad as my partner is loving and caring and we share a nice life together but this situation is impacting upon my happiness and therefore our relationship. I’m scared to have the conversation as I think it will be the end for us.

OP posts:
Irishmama100 · 23/04/2024 23:46

In a shortened version of the above
”Get to f@ck out and give my head peace”

Original poster
Januaryblues24 · 23/04/2024 23:47

FeatheryStroker · 23/04/2024 23:44

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

What did he say when you spoke to him?

It's all well and good him being upset about it. You are already upset about it! Why do neither of them care about that?

I have pointed that out, that nobody appears bothered about the fact it’s upsetting me.

My partner agrees that his son is rude and has spoken to him about cleaning up after himself etc. but when I tried to raise anything further I was told I am picking and accused of not liking the son.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 23/04/2024 23:48

Explain you don’t want to live with his son again and suggest they get a flat together until his son is able to live independently.

Irishmama100 · 23/04/2024 23:49

Januaryblues24 · 23/04/2024 23:45

Thank you everyone for replying.
Railroaded is exactly the right word for how I feel.
It’s sad as my partner is loving and caring and we share a nice life together but this situation is impacting upon my happiness and therefore our relationship. I’m scared to have the conversation as I think it will be the end for us.

You can’t be afraid of this conversation, you have been so kind and good. You don’t have to be rude about it, (not like me). Sit him down and really explain how you feel. 💪🥰

HangingOnJustAbout · 23/04/2024 23:50

What did your partner say when you spoke to him?
Have you explained your house rules to your guest?

You do sound rather passive here. You are within your rights to say 'if you want to live here the doors are locked at 10.30pm, no drugs, no friends over, etc, etc'.

But you want your office back so to save argument I'd just say that to your partner and leave it to him to support his son to find alternative accommodation.

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2024 23:52

You don't have to like his son.

MonsteraMama · 23/04/2024 23:52

Oh my god kick them both out, they're taking the absolute piss out of you. I don't let my dogs wake me up in the night never mind a grown ass adult human you've graciously put up in your house. Time to polish your spine and have that conversation with your partner because this won't get better if you continue to allow them both to treat you like a doormat.

thebestinterest · 23/04/2024 23:53

Doesn’t sound like a very happy relationship, though, does it? It’s your home op. If you want them out, TELL THEM. SPELL IT OUT.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2024 23:57

I have pointed that out, that nobody appears bothered about the fact it’s upsetting me.

And that's when any fear you may have should have evaporated. Stop caring more about his feelings than you do about your own. Stop putting him above yourself. He's a fucking prick, you just won't admit it.

Takenoprisoner · 23/04/2024 23:57

Get them both gone, it's not a happy loving relationship, your partner doesn't care about you and your comfort in your own home. Also your partner is manipulative if he accuses you of not liking his son over these issues. Who could possibly like a messy, unwanted overstayer who is disturbing your sleep. I would have flipped and gone mental at the pair of them long ago. Honestly, women need to lose their shit at horrible men more often, we don't do it enough. It's the only way to be taken seriously at times.

Original poster
Januaryblues24 · 23/04/2024 23:59

Thank you all so much.
I had started to doubt myself and wonder if I was being unreasonable but I think you’ve helped me see I’m definitely not.
Interesting that someone up thread has said I seem passive, that’s the last thing anyone would describe me as in any other area of my life, but yes I suppose I have become in this situation.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 24/04/2024 00:00

Your partner is as selfish and inconsiderate as his son.

I'm guessing neither of them is paying their way with rent, bills, food etc?

You cannot put a high enough price on your own well being and having peace in your home - this man and his son are actually stealing your peace of mind and they do not care. It's shocking!

BruFord · 24/04/2024 00:00

TomeTome · 23/04/2024 23:48

Explain you don’t want to live with his son again and suggest they get a flat together until his son is able to live independently.

I think @TomeTome states it clearly, I’d use that exact wording.

FeatheryStroker · 24/04/2024 00:01

My partner agrees that his son is rude and has spoken to him about cleaning up after himself etc. but when I tried to raise anything further I was told I am picking and accused of not liking the son.

You don't have to like him, he isn't your son.

The whole situation is ludicrous. They need to leave and you can go back to dating if you want to continue the relationship.

TheCatterall · 24/04/2024 00:05

It’s not a matter of liking or not liking his son.

its a matter of a short term offer being abused. It’s a matter of the sanctity of your home life and space being abused. It’s a matter of you feeling uncomfortable and unhappy in your home.

Id suggest they both move out and find somewhere together.

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