Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

Also angry on your behalf OP. You gave up your office and were treated like that in thanks? Son sounds really entitled and father sounds spineless and can’t set boundaries to protect your wellbeing. Sleep is so important. I think you need your space back.

I'd ask them both to leave, he will always have a son, who I suspect will always be like this and will always be your partners first priority and he will always cause friction.
Your partner is right to always stand by his son, but I suspect it will grate on you
Stay in the relationship if you wish but say you want your home back.

OP
See above.
You need to make sure this is actually happening.
And in the meantime there needs to be a change in behaviour.

Please don't say you'll discussing living with him again in a year's time. Don't. Whatever time limit you set he'll use it to blag you, love bomb you, try to get you onside. Keep him out. Protect yourself and your financial security, as well as your peace of mind.

He’s not standing by his son, he’s spoiling his chances at a decent adulthood by not enforcing basic manners, independence, and contributing to his own upkeep.

Yeah, no ones moving out in June.
You are going to have to be strong here, give them both a couple of weeks notice and get them out. I'm impressed at his cheek though. He's given himself a couple of months to wear you down. Fair play.

Yep. Totally agree. Or if he moves out there will be some kind of emergency that requires him to move back in because "that's what family does", isn't that what your DP has been telling you?

These people aren't your family, or your responsibility. I would want them both out in May.

June is too long away. I'd be giving him two weeks max, and be reconsidering whether 'partner' should go too.

By the way, I think your DP is going to try to make you feel bad about this, to put you on the back foot:

I asked if we could take about it all and was told no, I then phoned my partner and kind of lost my shit, explained my frustration and made it clear that the frustration of my partner not having my back was actually worse than the living situation.

Don't. You've been hugely disrepected by both of them. If you hadn't have been shut down every time you tried to raise the issue, you wouldn't have ended up losing your temper.

Two weeks is generous considering the circumstances.

Now that you've ripped the plaster off, tell him (or them) to organise an Air BnB or some other arrangement.

Any cries of, "but it's too expensive" "I can't afford it" are to be met with tough luck.

You've been taken advantage of for long enough. Outrageous that you should be feeling like this in your own home.

The nerve of him actually telling you no when you asked to discuss. Like he’s even got a right to any opinion on it seeing as it’s not even his house.
They are massively taking advantage of you OP.
I would be telling him the son has until May to get out or they both can go.
Please don’t let them walk all over you for any longer.

First he tells you that he is not willing to discuss the matter, then HE decides when you can have your home back.

Nope.

Tell them you want them both gone in two weeks. I promise you they will just keep stalling until Christmas.

If "by June" means before June then I think this is a good outcome. That gives him a month, which is reasonable.

Like others i'm a little sceptical about whether it will happen but i hope it does.

well done OP.

I feel a bit worried reading this.
I am shocked he tried to shut you down, glad you lost your shit but honestly it feels like you are being bullied in your own home.

If you are prepared to wait and see what happens you need to turn yourself into a massive PITA by asking every day what progress is being made, have they found anywhere to view etc

Do not let things slide.
Honestly though I would have kicked your DP out for completely taking the piss and putting your career at risk.

I would specify a date in writing (email) otherwise they'll be there next bloody june.

With respect OP you need to be firmer as you’re still letting him call the shots in your home.

I agree that you should put in writing that he’ll be out by June 30, 2024 ( or June 1). Send him this via email and then you’ll have something to refer back to if he tries to stay. He’s not your tenant so he doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on if he tries to renege on this.

I really hope that they’ve got the nessage and he leaves. 🤞

Glad, he is going but I would agree on a date. The 1 June sounds good - gives him a month to sort himself out. Don’t back down!

June is too far away. Honestly I'd give them both a week.

Thanks for updating. Do you think you want your partner to move out too? I’d be concerned at his lack of consideration for you over the year and like others, I’d be saying June is too far away. They don’t get to choose when he leaves your house!

id Say they can have a week to sort accommodation but June is too far away and then invite my family to stay.

This

He will move out 'in June' in the same way as he moved in for 'a few months', ie they think that will buy them at least another year in your house. He needs to go sooner. If your partner feels that his son needs his support for longer then you will perfectly understand that he needs to move out too.

I'd be done with the boyfriend for saying 'no' when you wanted to discuss his son overstaying.

He sees you as having less of a say than himself about who lives in your home. To allow you to have no office for a year, purely so his son could save money, is unacceptable. He's not concerned about what works for you.

In June.

Why do your partner and his son think it's for them to specify when the move out will happen? They seem not to have understood who gets to decide who lives in the house.