Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

I feel so sorry for you, I hope you have the “talk” and get some peace back in your life.

I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally

Focus on this. If you genuinely want to maintain the relationship, you need to make the discussion very practical rather than personal. Make it about your job and your need to have your working environment back after a full year of doing without it in your own home.

Much as you'd be entirely reasonable to make it about the sons habits and their combined entitlement, keeping the conversation impersonal and work related will be more effective.

You need to ask them both to leave. Your partner is not a nice person they have moved into your house and then moved someone else also in. That’s not ok especially if you have already said you are in comfy, plus you need your workspace back.

Ask them both to leave, give them a fortnight as your partner only has to find a flat to rent and there’s always tons available.

"It’s sad as my partner is loving and caring"

Is he? if he has allowed this to continue?

Partner doesn't give a shit about you or your boundaries.
If you tell him you're not going to be taken for a mug any more and son needs to move out, and it's the end of the relationship - then surely that tells you all you need to know?

@Januaryblues24 it’s your house. But I don’t think it’s the son who’s the main issue - it is the partner feeling entitled and not defending you. I honestly think they should both go, partner is taking advantage and son is ‘like father like son’. Your house, your rules. No kitchen noise after 2230, definitely not full meals and definitely tidying up after themselves. You are not the housekeeper, the bloody cheek of them!

Have a look on Facebook at Jefferson Fisher - he's American but does simple posts about how to talk to people in difficult situations, if people are gaslighting you or if you want to be assertive - he boils it down to 3 simple points for lots of different topics or there's an article with top 10 hints for winning arguments if you dig into his page a bit (he's on other social media too - it's just I'm old fashioned as ds points out and still tend to use Facebook!)
It's worth a watch to get a bit of confidence before having the conversation with your dp and his son at least!

I’m scared to have the conversation as I think it will be the end for us.

Personally, OP, I think you will find he's actually very difficult to get rid of, when the chips are down. If he threatens to leave then grab at that offer immediately while you still can and you're kind of in the driving seat.

Don't give him time to 'realise' he'll be losing out by having to find his own place and pay for it, fund his son, run their lives, and leave the relationship. Don't listen the guilt trips ('but where will I gooooo?' 'You're so meeeean') and the angry accusations ('I gave up so much for you, now you're asking me to give up my son' 'You never really loved me' etc). When the mask slips, it won't be pleasant. Don't forget he's effectively a lodger, they're both lodgers, and you don't have to give them any notice - just ask them to leave and give them their belongings. If they have to go to a Travel Lodge pro tem, so be it. This is on them.

(If your DP does happen to already have his own place, then (a) why isn't isn't his son living in it? and (b) why hasn't he fucked off there already with junior?)

I'm torn between absolute admiration for that guy, and wanting to punch his incredibly smug face!

But he's absolutely on the money with virtually everything he suggests. I just wish I could remember his advice when I need it! And it would be absolutely valuable for the conversation that OP needs to have. He's on Instagram too.

https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher?igsh=ejJpY3hrdXdwang3

Brilliant answer.

I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

How sad. If you think he'll dump you for not providing accommodation to his adult son that implies he sees this as a transactional relationship and is valuing you for your house not your company.

i would set a deadline and say you need your office back, that you love having DP there but understand if he needs to move out with his DS to help him get up and running.

do they pay you rent?

So in effect your partner has given you an ultimatum.
House my adult loser son or its over

@Januaryblues24 Ghastly situation!
It would drive me bonkers.
Your partner doesn’t give a damn about your space and peace being invaded by his feckless son.

I bet he’s not paying you a decent rent either- You are not his stepmother-

He’s a grown- ass man.

Kick the son out for your own well-being.
Where is the son’s mother?

Unreal!
You are NOT this adult wasters’ mother- you are funding his drugs habit by allowing him to have a peppercorn rent, and son and his weak father are both massively taking the piss out of your good nature.

Where is your partner’s house?

Please don’t say he hasn’t got one…..

They are both completely taking gross advantage of your house and your soft nature.

They have zero rights to be there. ( Unless you married the partner?)

Order of the boot 🥾 for son and his user father.

If he truly cared, he’d have got his wastrel son to have moved out.

Both are dug in like ticks on a dog in op’s home.
Heads down, feeding off her good nature.

I'd give you dh an ultimatum, his son moves out within 6 weeks (I'd specify the day), or they both leave at 7 weeks - email so there is no argument on dates.

So actually, from what you say above, sounds like your partner ISN’T ‘loving and caring’ but actually a selfish pushy taker who is nice to you when he’s getting his own way, but has zero respect for your wishes or the fact that it’s your fucking house he’s in?

I can imagine just how ‘loving and caring’ he would have busted a gut to be to make sure he got his feet under the table.

Now they’re there, THIS is the real him you’re seeing.

He isn’t loving and caring and this isn’t a wonderful relationship.

If it were, this wouldn’t be happening and you wouldn’t be sitting here wondering why you’re upset, sleep deprived and stressed and yet being told to shut the fuck up about it by Mr Wonderful!

He is putting his son before you. And he will continue to do so. I’m not convinced though that it’s because he cares so much for his son. It’s just easier to keep things as they are and gaslight you than to actually deal with his son. Lazy father, lazy son. Why are these nasty slobs still in your home?

You deserve so much better than this. Neither of them respect you. You deserve to relax in your own home, to not be disturbed by noise or smells.

Oh and here’s my suggestion. You start a new conversation along the lines of -

‘I’ve been thinking. You know how unhappy I am with all this. You’re clearly unhappy too. It seems to me that the best thing sadly is for you both to move into your own place. That way you’ll still be able to be there for your son in the way you clearly want to be. I can no longer manage this so that’s the solution for me. Hopefully this sounds easier for you than just asking him to leave…’

I would be curious to see just how quickly the turnaround will be from this cocklodger once he realises his extra baggage is possibly going to kill his own golden goose!

He’s not a good man OP. I seriously advise getting shot. By the way, your anxiety about daring to stand up for yourself ‘the relationship will be over’ tells me a LOT about how hard this man seems to have worked to sweeten and gaslight you into subservience. Clever bloke.

I'd just keep it really simple - tell your partner you need your office space back, it's no longer working for the 3 of you to live together and suggest he and his son rent somewhere until his son is ready to fly the nest but you continue your relationship living apart for now.

Just be firm but definite that this is what needs to happen. It may a) concentrate your partner's mind on how to get his son out OR b) partner can live apart from you and you can enjoy a fun relationship where you aren't required to live with his son. I'd anticipate partner trying to suggest work arounds to the issues: "oh, he'll stop cooking late at night... he'll be quiet as a mouse... he'll give up the room during working hours... we can turn the garage into a bedroom for him... he won't come home so late... blah blah..." but just keep firmly saying no, it's not working for me anymore and this isn't up for discussion.

You sound, completely understandably, miserable and although it would be a shame to lose a good relationship, the alternative is that you are miserable which is untenable long term.

Speak to your partner.

You've given his son accom for a year at low rates so he can save. Not everyone gets that opportunity.

He has behaved inconsiderately and impacted your life, work and wellbeing.

Give him a moving out date. I'd say a month's notice. If he isn't gone, or his dad doesn't present a united front with you, then his dad joins him in leaving by six weeks. I'm not sure your partner sounds so great but if you're happy apart from the son then that's what needs to change. He's had long enough.

I am sure lots of parents of young adults find themselves in this situation. But you are NOT this young man's parent. And, worse, it sounds like you are not allowed to act like one. eg, even at that age, if we were staying with our parents we were expected to be polite and considerate. If we weren't, well, we knew about it. But you're being made silent.

Also, the office is outrageous.

I would be telling them to move out together, OR, perhaps a compromise is that if his man is going to stay living witn you, then you need to move to a much bigger place that can facilitate that.

I'm quite interested in who is paying all the bills. I'm guessing that at best, your DP is paying half of utilities and bills and maybe the son is paying the odd bit of food?

Exactly, and these things mean it is not in fact a happy relationship.

Ihad missed this when I posted.

Partner pays towards bills and son pays small amount? You've got Cocklodger AND his son. This is great for them - basically free accomodation for just a small contribution.

I rescind my "compromise" option of finding a bigger place. Get rid of both. Why is your "d"P paying so little?

Does your partner pay you rent or just towards the bills, as you stated upthread? Sorry if you e already said and I missed it.