Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

So you've been doing him a massive favour for a year and he treats you with utter disrespect.

It shows your DP didn't bring him up to have manners or respect and he's favouring his son by letting him treat you like shit.

Your house your rules, so get rid of him. This battle will never stop until he goes and lives with his own kind.

Untidiness would annoy me, drugs would be a deal breaker.

I'm sorry @Januaryblues24 you sound lovely your partner an idiot and you don't want to live with an idiot

It seems like your partner took advantage of you before you started dating. You exhibited signs of low self-esteem, desperation, loneliness, eagerness, and passivity, making you an easy target for manipulation.

Your partner seems more interested in what you can do for them rather than genuinely caring about you. This doesn't sound like a healthy, loving relationship, and you may not be the first person they've treated this way. .and took advantage of.

It sounds like your partner is irresponsible and neglectful, both as a partner and a parent. It might be best to end the relationship permanently and consider seeking therapy to help you prioritize your own well-being and self-love.

Taking some time to be single, both before and after working on yourself, could be beneficial.
Please learn to love and care about yourself.

I am a huge advocate of people just living separately and having a relationship with their own homes ( once kids are older). You wouldn't be in this situation if he had his own place. But I understand that isn't the norm and you wanted to be closer with your partner.

It's difficult for you as it is your house that the partner has moved into. I understand his loyalty to his son and appreciate that he isn't just kicking him out in favour of new partner. But the big issue here is that it is actually your house. Is it possible to talk to partner about how both of you can support his son to get into his own place sooner? Sorry if you've already covered this in other posts. I haven't read all as yet.

How are you doing, OP? Thinking of you and virtually holding your hand.

Thanks all.
Quick update: I tried to broach the conversation via text as I was asked why I was still awake, I asked if we could take about it all and was told no, I then phoned my partner and kind of lost my shit, explained my frustration and made it clear that the frustration of my partner not having my back was actually worse than the living situation. I loudly explained that I am sick of being shut down and it’s absolutely not acceptable. Partner didn’t really say much. Received a phone call later that day to say son will be moving out in June and partner is sorry.

I am taking some time to reflect on it all as I am not sure I am happy anyway, lots to think about.

I am grateful for all the input and perspectives given!

It's a shame that it took this for your DP to realise he's been taking the absolute piss and not having your back. He's probably now realised just how much he's got to lose if you no longer put up with his crap.

I do wonder if this issue is symptomatic of broader issues in your relationship though. Is he generally poor at discussing issues and making you feel supported?

Well done OP!

June? I'd say he will alright. Did the 'partner' specify June of which year?

June? He can't be serious, and you can't possibly still want to be with this useless, pathetic man. Get rid of both of them, and giving them a week to GTFO is more than generous after the way they have treated you.

I'd be telling him the beginning of May!

You've put up with more than enough here Januaryblues24. It shouldn't have taken you loosing your shit to be heard.
Whether your partner was deliberate in his actions or just plain lazy and inconsiderate is irrelevant - the effect on you is the same - stress and severe discomfort in your own home.

OP, I saw your thread for the first time in the early hours of this morning and I've been so upset I've had to get out of bed to come and post my opinion.

You are being massively abused.

The son moving out 'in June' might never happen. Tell him to be out on the 5th of May, and his father with him. Do you have any relatives or friends who could come and support you as you see the back of them?

It looks to me as if they have talked it over and decided to soft soap the milch cow (source of easy income, or in this case, housing) for now, probably with the intention of the son moving back in later.

Get them both out. The son for being a lazy, rude git who doesn't belong in your house and his father for pressuring you to have/keep the son there.

These people are using you. Both of them. Has daddy proposed yet, so he can start laying claim to half of your house?

In June? That’s too long. He can find a house share or lodging situation far far faster than this. And my bet is they’re going to use the next 2 months trying to persuade you how much more considerate his son can be to convince you change your mind. In that time, it is unlike this ds will try to find anywhere. You’re still not happy. Trust your gut.

I would be asking them both to leave, he doesn’t get to decide who stays in your house and for how long.

Honestly I would still kick the pair of them out much sooner than bloody June! You need your office (and your life) back. I don't think your partner quite gets it.

Op there has been slight progress but they both really need to leave now. June will turn into August and you'll still be stuck in this situation. You can still have a relationship (if you wish) in separate houses. The fact that you have been made to feel uncomfortable in your own home is totally unacceptable. If this is the standard of your partner's behaviour, you can only expect it to get worse.

Are they both working? Then they can afford to move out and rent. It seems like they had a plan to use you

I reads to me like they have been bullying you.

They then minimise their shitty behaviour and so you doubt yourself.

My guess is this is why you don't know how you feel.

Personally, I think June is too far away. They will then kick his moving out into the long grass.

I would make a bet now that when late June comes around he ‘hasn’t been able to find anywhere’ so maybe give him til August then October etc etc and he’ll still be there this time next year.

This

I’m so glad you are getting rid of the son. It’s a real pity it has come to this. Obviously partner knows which side of the bread is buttered. I would be thinking carefully too. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this.

Has daddy proposed yet, so he can start laying claim to half of your house?

Good call 👌

Ive exited my post because i reread the op. Partner had been living in your house for 18 months and moved his lazy rude son in after 6??!? And they both have been awful to you! And you've had to turn your living and working conditions upside down! No. Just no. Give them both a week to leave and take your house and life back.

I like many aspects about your son but I dislike living with him. I love you and I love living with you.

Say that then ask them to please move out within the month.

You will discuss whether you once again live together in a years time.

Be sweet, be calm, be loving and not personal butstay strict and stick to your word.

This is such good advice. The relationship needs to be reset and if he can’t cope with that then it means he doesn’t care about you enough.