Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

You can't go on like that, you just need to be honest. Say he needs to find a new place as it's not working as it was only meant to be temporary, if that means your partner goes too to help him accept it. I know you don't want to rock the boat with your relationship but you need to put your needs first, it's your house. Your partner should be more understanding as it was only a temporary solution.

But it's not really a happy relationship is it? Do you think your partner would even be with you if you didn't have a house? Obviously it's up to you how much you are prepared to put up with to have a man, or this particular man, in your life, but I'm on Team Kick Them Both Out. And you don't have to wait until June to do it.

Partner didn’t really say much. Received a phone call later that day to say son will be moving out in June and partner is sorry

I doubt it, OP; more likely it's just something to shut you up for now and buy a bit of time while you "get over it" so the status quo can return
Mention this again in (say) May, and I guarantee there'll be an excuse that he really did have plans to leave but it's somehow fallen through - rinse and repeat

I agree with PPs that the DS's moving in was almost certainly planned, but the overall way DP's treating you certainly isn't the sign of a happy relationship, so personally I'd be getting rid of both of them

They are lodgers, give them two weeks maximum.

You really need to judge (D)P impartially as everyone here does - we don't know him and no one likes or thinks well of him!.
Your posts give impression that he is very controlling of you in your own house. He has been telling you what is acceptable for you and what you should tolerate regarding his son and his behaviour!
What a cheek telling you you cannot discuss a situation which was originally caused and made by him - that of moving his son in and him then living endlessly in your house causing you great stress and grief in many ways!

This. The cheek of him! He and his son are cuckoos.

I would consider if you rent or own and what type of agreement you have? How easy is it to move and what will your finances allow for. The best situation is he moves out, but failing that does your partner have enough finances to move somehere that has an annexe or can create one? If its a small place and you have limited means to move then its going to end up one or the other of you. Or you could stay somewhere for a period and give them a timeframe and your partner an ultimatum.

What happened OP ?

Hope OP is alright.

I had a similar situation. 25 year old son who was just inconsiderate. What finally worked was looking at bigger places to live and telling him we could no longer all exist in the size and space with 3 people. We said we also would need financial help to afford a bigger place but regardless we could no longer live 3 the current space. He didnt like the prospect of having more responsibility to pitch in so now he is couch surfing at his sisters.