Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

I would give both of these selfish, ungrateful shit bags exactly 24 hours to get the fuck out.

Don't ever put yourself last again.

I was going to say exactly this.

They’ve both taken over your house. Nah, none of that would be happening. The son has overstayed his welcome and if your dp disagrees, he can join him.

its a matter of a short term offer being abused. Exactly, @TheCatterall . If I found myself in the son’s position, needing to live with Dad in his partner’s house while I saved up some money, I’d be incredibly grateful and doing everything that I could to be an easy guest. If I needed to stay longer than anticipated, I’d ask.

This bloke has no intention of moving out until he’s made to.

100% this. They both need chucking out the very next time his selfish twat of a son comes in at 11pm and starts cooking his smelly late night meal. Chuck them out and sling the greasy pans out behind them.

It sounds like you were set up to be the new skivvy for both of them. The 6 months and then all of a sudden, the grown son needs a place to live. how convenient!

Is the boyfriend paying for himself and the son to be there as well as doing a good portion of the chores, cooking,clean, and laundry?

I'd kick them both out.

It could be argued the son neither likes or respects you which is why he is constantly disrespecting your house rules and taking the repeated poss after agreeing no to.

either way he is an adult, the time agreed was 6 months and it has doubled. He has had the time and clearly can’t manage the house rules so needs to find somewhere else.

if DP needs to support him by getting somewhere together that is fine. But, you’ve made a valiant effort.
wether you like him or not you’ve let him live in your home for a year, show him the door.

You could stop cleaning up too and when your partner mentions it just say stop having a go you’re acting like you don’t like me!! Instead of being rationally annoyed an adult can’t contribute. And the kitchen would be closed after 10 for cooking. I’d start that rule NOW. But your partner is not that caring-he’s not caring how you feel. I wouldn’t manage well without my study to work in, and you need your job. I’d say this was temporary, I need my study back, you need to tell him he has 6 weeks. And if you both want to go that’s fine, but he’s spoilt and selfish and that’s a shame, I won’t live with it anymore.

Whose house are you in? It sounds like it’s your place. I’m afraid your dp doesn’t have what it takes to back you up here, and you are going to have to sit them both down and lay down the law. Advise them both that they are taking the piss. You need your office space back. Adult son has been there over a year now and that was never the agreement. Give the adult son four weeks notice - in writing - to vacate your premises. (I would be tempted to send via recorded post.) I would put foot down with partner and advise that if he has no interest in ensuring that his son treated you with respect whilst under your roof, then he can move out with him.

I would give him 24 hours. If he has actually been saving up for the last year he will have the ££££ to get a flat. If he hasn't - tough - it's not your problem

It’s sad as my partner is loving and caring and we share a nice life together but this situation is impacting upon my happiness and therefore our relationship. I’m scared to have the conversation as I think it will be the end for us.

I’m sorry, but your partner is ‘loving and caring’ as long as you toe the line. He must be able to see that the situation is impacting you, but he’s not loving or caring enough to do anything about it. He’s got a nice comfy billet for himself and his son, and will do his utmost to keep it that way, despite your unhappiness. He and his son might have a nice life, but you’re certainly not sharing it, from the sound of it. Take your life back into your own hands, op, and strengthen your boundaries. Your partner’s reaction will tell you all you need to know.

How old is the son and what are the circs re him moving back in? If he's just left Uni then that's quite understandable and your DP should have had plans for accommodating his son. If son is in his 30s then I would be less tolerant.

So, if you are not passive does that mean that both your partner and his son are paying you rent? If not his son, is he paying more to you on his behalf?
You said if you knew it would be a year, you would of suggested your DP got a tennancy. Now you know its beyond that, so to prevent another year, suggest the tennancy.
Don't you think that your DP should be equally of the opinion that your relationship is good enough apart from this? Good enough to sort the issue and move out with him while still maintaining the relationship with you? What I'm saying is don't be afraid to enforce this, because if he were to end things over this, then it really proves that he's only in it for what he can get out of you, and a happy relationship is not what he is bothered about. Its only happy when you toe the line and provide for both of them. Your purpose is just to make their lives easier.

So tell him the way his son is behaving isn't particularly likable. Stand up for yourself. If that impacts your relationship then it clearly wasn't worth much in the first place.

I would remind your partner it was meant to be short term, you didn’t envisage living with his son as well as him and it’s not the life you want. Tell him his son needs to move out and if he complains about his son affording somewhere tell him that he’ll have to get somewhere with him then. If he truly wants to stay with you he will quickly sort something out fast! Good Luck!

They really pulled a blinder with you didn't they? Are either contributing to bills or paying rent? They need to go.

I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

But it sounds like a relationship where you have been trained not to object to the son's behaviour or your boyfriend will end the relationship. Maybe have a think about that.

You need to evict the son and reclaim your house. Unfortunately, your boyfriend doesn't seem to care enough to sort out the mess he's brought with him.

It is impacting your job, that would be sufficient reason for him moving out. You have spoken to your partner and he supposedly spoke to his son but if you are still being stressed and inconvenienced then the behaviour has not changed enough. Tbh, even if he was the most helpful and respectful house guest ever, you have absolutely no obligation to have him still in your home long after the time you agreed to.

You simply need to say you don't want him in your home any longer. You can give him a couple of weeks to move out if you wish but one week is also fine. If your partner doesn't support you then he's the one undermining your relationship. If you want them both to go that's your right too. They should both be bloody grateful for all you have done.

F me, is it actually the OP's house?
Sorry, reading at 6 am 😁
The choices some adults make are truly incomprehensible to me.
"Partner and his adult son".
Yeah, right.

You can have a relationship without living together. It is your house you said, do both of them pay towards bills and food.

Tell the son to leave, he’s a guest who has outstayed his welcome. You do not need his fathers permission. Do not get drawn into “where should I go” discussions.

it is up to the father to decide to go with him. Unless on reflection you want him out too.

So you’ve lived with your partner for 18 months and after only a few months he’s moved his adult son in by stealth? Is he living rent free in your home?

They’ve mugged you off and seem shameless about that fact. But it’s YOUR hone and you need to stand up and say enough because they’re obviously happy with the status quo.

It’s not a happy and respectful relationship when your partner knows it’s upsetting you but doesn’t care. You need to give an ultimatum and tell him his son has got to go.

I would kick them both out without a minute's hesitation. If your partner really cares about you then he will make an effort to make it work whilst living elsewhere. They are both massively taking the piss. Reclaim your home.

Kick them both out. His son moved in by stealth with his father’s help and you’ve been taken here for a right mug.

Stand strong the son needs to go. If your partner kicks off show him the door. They are taking the piss out of you.