Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP - it's incredibly selfish if your partner not only doesn't pay rent, but has the incredible cheek to move his adult son in.

You say your partner is otherwise lovely. I wonder if what you may mean is that he has a kind manner? It's absolutely possible to not be an out-an-out shouty b* and still have an utterly damaging impact on your partner's life.

If you had a happy relationship before your partner moved in then you can have one again if and when he moves out. Partner's son has to go and if partner doesn't like it, he can follow.

Get your home back, OP. Just for you to enjoy.

To be honest, if an adult was behaving like that in MY house, I wouldn't like him that much either

It's not as if it's your own child taking the piss, it's a random adult as far as his relationship with you is concerned

I'm sorry if it means the end of your relationship, but if that's your DP's attitude then it isn't what you thought it was

He doesn’t have a kind manner.

He only has a kind manner when he’s either buttering his partner up so she lets him move in for free, or when he’s getting his own way. He uses a ‘kind manner’ to train OP. Keep me happy, don’t make me compromise and look how lovely I am to you.

It’s also known as being a manipulative user.

If he had a kind manner, OP would have no issue with talking to him about how this is making her feel, and he’d listen, understand that he had already asked a huge amount of her, apologise, and help the son move on.

oh dear though. It seems as if Mr Kind Manner has suddenly disappeared…

They're both taking the piss. Get rid

This is not family life. It’s financial abuse. They’re for the streets.

Was a timeline agreed initially?

I think you need to talk to DP about giving DS a fair timeline and then tell him he needs to stick to it.

I think kids should always have a home in their parents home, regardless of age but obviously if it’s impacting your relationship and MH then something needs to change.

Has DP spoken to him about his behaviour?

If he moves out somewhere else he will also have rules to follow.

Also I’d be telling DP that once an end date has been decided then if DS hasn’t found anywhere then DP needs to find somewhere for them both.

Don’t wreck your MH and peace because you want to keep hold of a relationship.

As others have said, it’s not unusual for parents to provide their young adult children (in their 20’s) with a home, but that’s where your DP has messed up.

He’s the parent, not you, and he should’ve considered this before moving in with you. His son was 21/22 then and your DP knew that he wasn’t established-why didn’t he stay in his own place until his son was more securely housed?

Presumably the son also has his Mum. If he needs more time to save, why doesn’t he move in with her? You’ve given him a year to save, perhaps she could do the same.

Anyway, your partner needs to sort this out.

Quite frankly if standing up for yourself and not being mugged off ends your relationship then that shows you your partner was only interested when it suits his needs.

If you are in doubt of your next move, @Januaryblues24, reread this ^^ comment again. These conscientiousless grifters, father and son, have moved into your home, into your life, even affecting your work. and don't give a toss about you or how you are affected.

Do please eject them from both your life and your home - get physical support from friends and family in your home so they can counter any emotional blackmail or wheedling or any self-serving threats to you because you've finally cut off their access to the gravy train.

• Do not give them any notice because they'll use every argument to continue to get their feet further under your table. They can both book into Air BnB or caravan or with family until they sort themselves out. There are two of them so they can share costs.

• do change your locks with immediate effect. Do not rely on return of keys you've issued because there's no guarantee they have no duplicates

• get your real life support to help you pack your lodgers' stuff so they can collect their belongings then email/text them to come and collect

• watch your costs reduce without them, including the 25% single person council tax discount which you will have lost when they moved in.

You can do this - but you have to be assertive and accept you'll need to push past your desire to keep your boyfriend in your life.

Wishing you strength and a better future. 🌹

This.

This is YOUR home.

The son's behaviour is shit, and your 'partner's behaviour is crap too.

Why don't you just speak to partner and say you totally understand if he's keen to keep supporting his son by putting a roof over his head, but if so they need to move out. Alternatively son can move out. Those are the only options. Just be clear, as you were in your post. You agreed to a few months, it's now a year, it's not what was agreed and so he needs to go now.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your comments and advice.
I feel so incredibly sad as this is not going to end like I thought it would but you are all correct when you say that my home should be my peace and it’s no longer that sadly.
I will have the conversation at the weekend, I feel sick thinking about it but it’s necessary.

Well done, @Januaryblues24 Your home will be a peaceful haven again.
Your partner is just using you if he won't ask his adult son to leave.

Good luck!🍀

Good luck with it. I hope things go ok. Please do think about whether or not you feel safe to do this one alone.

All of this ,⬆️ OP.
Take care 💐

This thread resonates with me as I've been in a similar situation.

Only it's my dh of 25 years who asked to move in his adult son for a few weeks to get himself sorted, which turned into 6 months. The son was contributing barely anything financially, despite this being the agreement.

If I dared to question when the son would be getting his own place (baring in mind he had a good job and could afford to, or at least contribute here), my DH threatened to leave with him.

Fast forward a few weeks and that's exactly what he did. We've separated and he now has a flat with his son..

Good on you for putting an end to this, OP. Your kindness have been severely abused and your partner only cares about his own needs.

Get rid of these two leeches.

Wow - what a charmer. Hope you're doing OK,

Are you getting your financial ducks in a row? If not I'd suggest you do your research to ensure your future in case he decides to divorce (or you do). Make sure you don't end up financially disadvantaged because of any action he takes (eg clearing out your bank funds, hiding marital funds, wanting to move back into your home which is a natural asset, etc). Take some advice - maybe a one off consultation with a family law solicitor for example. 🌹

But not having the conversation will still be the end anyway because it's unsustainable.

Good luck. Stick to your guns and use your timeline, not theirs. Don't listen to any 'woe is me' nonsense

Please let us know how you get on - especially if you need any support afterwards.

What a fool, throwing away a good relationship to live with a presumably 30-something who should be independent at this point.

What’ll happen when his son meets a partner? They’re unlikely to want Dad cramping their style.

I agree. OP clearly you don't want and can't cope with this arrangement potentially indefinitely.

Thanks @Newestname002 & @BruFord

I don't want to derail @Januaryblues24 thread.

But yeah god knows what he's thinking and if it's going to go ok with them living together, time will tell, I guess.

I'm doing ok, but still trying to accept everything and adjust to my new life..

All the best for this weekend @Januaryblues24...

Wow, I think some of the posts on here are really harsh. I agree with others OP that you don't have to continue putting up with things as they are. But I am not sure I necessarily agree with some others that your partner is purposefully abusing or disrespecting you. I know him not doing so purposefully (if that is the case) does not mean you should continue to tolerate their behaviour. I just don't think it is necessarily black and white and there might be some room for discussion.

No matter how old your partner's son is, he will always be his parent and it is natural that he wants to help provide a home for him if he needs it. And as someone earlier pointed out, it is not unusual for child to return home after university and extortionate housing costs means many now stay with parents into their late 20s. So long as your adult child respects house rules and boundaries (which can include a financial contribution), most parents would have no issue with them coming back home.

There are two issues. Firstly, some parents are more lax with boundaries than others. I would not tolerate my adult son behaving the way your partner's son does, but some parents are more tolerant than I am. Is it that your partner has lax boundaries so sees you as over-reacting which leads him to think you don't like his son? I am not saying this to excuse the son's behaviour nor your partner enabling it. I am simply saying that he perhaps just does not see how bad the behaviour is or how he is enabling it. That in and of itself might be a deal breaker for you of course but I am simply saying that it might not be purposeful. On the other hand, it might be that he is taking the piss and is manipulating you as others suggest.

Secondly, would you feel differently and be happy for his son to stay if he respected your boundaries and contributed financially? I would never live with someone who would not be prepared for my son to live with us if he needed to (and respected boundaries of course), as I come into the relationship as a partner and a parent. I also think it is important that the person I live with at the very least cares about my adult child, as I cannot see how they could care about me without doing so. It might well be that you wouldn't want your partner's son to live with you for any length of time, which is absolutely your prerogative,. But if that is the case, that should be made clear and I don't think your partner can be criticised for that being a deal breaker for him.