Struggling with partners adult son- don’t know what to do

[Januaryblues24]

Name changed but regular here.

My partner moved in with me about 18 months ago. He has an adult son who had moved out after living with him full time. A year ago the son asked if he could move in for a few months to get himself on his feet financially.

I gave up my office for him to have a room. A few months has turned into a year now and I’m struggling. There have been difficulties along the way with him not cleaning up after himself and walking out of jobs, bringing drugs into the house (I’m told I’m unreasonable for still having issue with this as it was once only).

The main thing I am struggling with it the hours he keeps, he comes home at all hours and it’s waking me up everytime and then I can’t get back to sleep. He will cook a full meal at 11pm and the smells and noise disturb me. I’m also finding it difficult not having an office space anymore, it’s impacting on my ability to do my job professionally.

I have talked to my partner previously about my issues with the situation and have explained that I feel uncomfortable in my own home but it causes friction and upset.

Had my partner still been living with his son then I would never have moved in with him as I just don’t want to live with a young adult, our lives are not compatible. Had I known it would be for such a long period of time I would have suggested my partner take a tenancy somewhere and provide a home for his son instead of living here.

I feel I am at breaking point with it this week, probably due to the disturbed sleep, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel if I raise this again it will be the end of what is otherwise a very happy relationship.

Does anyone have any advice?

Yes this. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree here. They are both freeloading and don't give a shit about you.

Time for them both to go.

Why would you like his son? He's not doing anything to make you like him and everything to make you pissed off.

Thanks all.
Just to clarify, son is 23, partner pays towards bills and son pays a small amount as I wanted him to be able to save to move out and I thought it would only be short term.
You have all made valid points about how my feelings are not considered at all, I’ve been made to feel that this is expected and it’s just family life.

My eyes roll out of my head when I hear people talk about charging a low rent so that someone can save up. Yes, some do that but how likely was it that this boy would do that? He sees his father on a gravy train, to be brutally honest, and he wants some of that.

But it’s not family life .. it’s a pair of users taking advantage of you.

He’s not your family though is he? So it’s not normal family life. I think I would draw a line. You’re unhappy, you’ve been unhappy for a long time and you have told your DP this before. You have now reached the end of the road. Either his son moves out or they both move out and one of those has to happen by the end of May (for example)

Here's the thing. You say you're anxious about asking for son to leave, because that might end your relationship with your partner

Therefore your relationship with your partner is only strong as long as you give him what he wants?

That's not a loving relationship

I’m scared to have the conversation as I think it will be the end for us.

This alone, clarifies for me that you need to act now. You realise that the son is the price you pay for your so called 'loving and careing' partners company.

Can your relationship with him really be worth all this upset?

I can't imagine how difficult it must be but honestly, do yourself a favour. Why would this ever get better, the way it is. So sorry.

But you know in your head this isn’t normal family life.

You are being taken advantage of by two grown men who know you won’t rock the boat for fear of upsetting them when they don’t give a shit about how you feel.

I bet your partner knew exactly what he was doing when he moved his son in by stealth. It’s your home OP stand up for yourself and tell them enough is enough.

Quite frankly if standing up for yourself and not being mugged off ends your relationship then that shows you your partner was only interested when it suits his needs.

This.

I have a bad feeling about this. Do you have friends who can visit? Work colleagues? I feel you should have somebody else about when you tell the son he has to go. Or it will be two blokes against you. A couple of middle aged women could alter the dynamics. And get them (the blokes) used to you having people round before the ultimatum.

I agree with this. You’ve been given the brush off by your ‘partner’ and any objections to his rude son being there shouted down. You are feeling scared because something is telling you to be scared op and there is not much respect. I don’t think he’s the man you want him to be. He’s using you and things could potentially get difficult if you try to stand your ground with them.

I think you have to say you need your office back in three months and there are no other options like sleeping on the sofa , that gives your partner time to help his son move to a shared house, bedsit or look for a two bedroom place. Moving out is not easy for young people , but he isn't your son or responsibility.

That's not normal family life though. Normal families don't involve two grown men abusing the hospitality of the woman that one of them at least is supposed to love.
Bluntly, that young man is never going to move out unless you push him out. He has no incentive to do so. He can do exactly as he pleases.
He is disrespecting you and your useless lump of a partner won't stop him. So it's down to you.

I would remind your partner it was meant to be short term, you didn’t envisage living with his son as well as him and it’s not the life you want.

Just that.

Good grief. I've just realised that your partner had only been living with you for six months when he moved his son in. That's incredibly entitled behaviour on both their parts.

Your partner may be nice. But he doesn’t care that the situation is making you unhappy.

The problem is that you have had no input into shaping the son into a decent contributing young man. He’s acting like a fifteen year old entitled youth, still living in the comforts of the family home and taking advantage, instead of an adult who is responsible for himself.
He’s far too comfortable.
The work of shaping him hasn’t been taken up by his father. Maybe your partner expects you to do it …but with love as if he were your own. He sounds like a kid himself if he can’t set down a few house rules and take responsibility for his son adhering to them.

The lad needs a row every time he wakes you up. He needs to know the kitchen is closed after 8pm. He’s far too comfortable and takes his bedroom for granted, not giving a thought to your discomfort or lack of office space. He should have saved enough for a deposit on a rental at least, but I bet he hasn’t because he’s been allowed to fall into far too comfortable a life by his drippy father.

His father is enabling him to financially abuse you in your own home.

Meantime you are at breaking point and feel unable to take control.
I honestly think things have gone past the point where you have to lay down boundaries in a non-confrontational way. You need to get the son out.

Tell your partner you are giving his son 4 weeks notice to leave. You don’t have to give your partner any reasons, because he already knows why. The son has overstayed his welcome is all you need to say.
If there are arguments about it and your partner isn’t supportive, you tell them you expect them both to go by the weekend as you have reached your limit.

Have courage OP. You can’t allow this to continue. You need to be able to do your work properly and you need to be able to sleep in peace in your own home.

Buy one cocklodger and get another free - deal of the week

I think you need to ask the father to kick the son out or they both have to go

They both have to go. They’ve taken op here for a right mug.

Buy one cocklodger and get another free - deal of the week

The situation not funny but this did make me laugh 🤣

I would ask them both to leave but perhaps have someone around when you do that.

They sound really entitled to your home rather than guests.

I always find it interesting that these threads always have a “BUT my partner is otherwise amazing”…. From the outside though this issue is so pervasive and taking over every part of your life and your partner is facilitating and minimising this jointly with his disrespectful son.

So actually your partner is incredibly destructive to most parts of your day to day happiness. That’s not a great partner who won’t take your concerns IN YOUR OWN HOME seriously. Who cares if their partner is funny/ caring/ clever if you can’t even sleep in your own home each night. That’s not a healthy or sustainable relationship.

The talk will tell you everything you need to know, even a hard truth that your partner is willing to sacrifice your mental health and wellbeing to avoid parenting his ADULT child.

It's gone beyond the couple of months you agreed on

your partner needs to pay or help get his son a room in house share somewhere else

If your ability to do your job is in jeopardy then it's serious and you need to set a move out date

It sounds like you want to stay with your partner. So you could discuss the son moving out as you need your office space back. If your partner does not want his son to leave at all, then you have a decision to make.

Fwiw I would hate the way you live. I don’t even like my teens messing up the kitchen in the evenings after I have tidied up let alone cooking full meals at 11pm!