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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
HyggeTygge · 22/04/2024 23:16

I couldn't see myself having an issue with this?! Presumably she's not usually in the area so taking the opportunity?

Bit weird to say "of course I don't mind" but mentally think "as long as they're male/a current friend" or whatever the criteria was for you to be happy with it.

Domino20 · 22/04/2024 23:16

What were his answers to those questions? How are they in touch now etc?

Mumtoboys82 · 22/04/2024 23:17

I think we need more info OP. Did he show you the messages, explain how it came about? I'd meet an old friend for lunch if they were around (male or female). It wouldn't mean my DP had anything to worry about.
I'd be open with the messages etc to reassure him though if he was worried about it.

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:29

Apparently he just fancied meeting up with an old friend, they've been messaging for a few weeks...he instigated it. I knew nothing about him contacting her or their conversations until Friday. Why the secrets?? He won't show me messages??

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:32

They met half way, around 50 miles. He 'remembered' her number....

OP posts:
Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Wildflower86 · 22/04/2024 23:37

Yep I'm with u op. Why bother with someone u haven't seen in 20 years? That's basically meeting a stranger. Seeing if grass is greener. I would be angry too.

Wildflower86 · 22/04/2024 23:37

Yep I'm with u op. Why bother with someone u haven't seen in 20 years? That's basically meeting a stranger. Seeing if grass is greener. I would be angry too.

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:41

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

I think because it's out of character for him. It's normally, work and straight home to spend time with our son...I'm struggling with the not telling me about making contact and wanting to meet up etc.

OP posts:
Telemakus · 22/04/2024 23:47

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Bit of a generalisation and not true at all.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/04/2024 23:50

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:41

I think because it's out of character for him. It's normally, work and straight home to spend time with our son...I'm struggling with the not telling me about making contact and wanting to meet up etc.

Show quote history

So he has is not allowed? no hobbies or a social life, it's work or home and nothing else?

loropianalover · 22/04/2024 23:52

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:32

They met half way, around 50 miles. He 'remembered' her number....

I thought it was pretty normal OP until this… he ‘remembered’ her number, not believable. Not necessarily cheating but sounds like something going on… Can you have a chat with him tomorrow, share how much it’s impacting you

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:54

DoreenonTill8 · 22/04/2024 23:50

So he has is not allowed? no hobbies or a social life, it's work or home and nothing else?

Show quote history

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.

OP posts:
Banana1979 · 22/04/2024 23:56

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

She’s not a friend if they haven’t conversated in over 20 years, esp as he has never mentioned her -she is someone he used to know- big difference
if she is such a great friend, then I would expect to be invited to meet her at some point
He was wrong for doing this , it’s good that he told you and didn’t hide anything though, but you could’ve gone out about it. A bit better -could have invited her round instead ect
why would he suddenly remember her now though? That’s a bit weird.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/04/2024 23:58

So he 'remembered' her number? But not only that took a random notion to contact her but didn't mention any of it? I'd be fine with my husband meeting a female friend for lunch but not under these circumstances.

beAsensible1 · 22/04/2024 23:58

I think it’s something you can keep in the back of your mind but it wouldn’t immediately arouse suspicion.

old friends do pop up in life and then you catch and do it again in another 10/20.

i do think it would be bizarre to give you all the info if he was trying to hide something ?

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:59

loropianalover · 22/04/2024 23:52

I thought it was pretty normal OP until this… he ‘remembered’ her number, not believable. Not necessarily cheating but sounds like something going on… Can you have a chat with him tomorrow, share how much it’s impacting you

Show quote history

I have done darling, he just can't see it from my point of view. The number thing is weird, how would he remember that?
I'm so hurt that he carried on regardless knowing I was upset about them meeting up.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 00:02

Banana1979 · 22/04/2024 23:56

She’s not a friend if they haven’t conversated in over 20 years, esp as he has never mentioned her -she is someone he used to know- big difference
if she is such a great friend, then I would expect to be invited to meet her at some point
He was wrong for doing this , it’s good that he told you and didn’t hide anything though, but you could’ve gone out about it. A bit better -could have invited her round instead ect
why would he suddenly remember her now though? That’s a bit weird.

Edited
Show quote history

This is my argument, how is she a friend?
He has never spoken of her, nothing.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:02

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:59

I have done darling, he just can't see it from my point of view. The number thing is weird, how would he remember that?
I'm so hurt that he carried on regardless knowing I was upset about them meeting up.

Show quote history

There’s a bunch of old
numbers and address people remember from before mobiles.

i can remember my childhood best mates, house phone off by heart still

is there anything else that’s pricking your sense as to why this is making you uncomfortable because generally we don’t assume bad faith from people we trust and have no second thoughts about.

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 00:03

so, this old friend, he has not seen in 20 years and as far as you are aware he's not mentioned her, she's not on his facebook, he just happened to remember her number, rang her and said 'hi its xxx fancy a coffee and a catch up?'

i'd need a bit more information before i decided if i was ok with this or not.. i'd have no issue with my hubby meeting a female for lunch or a coffee, but not under these circumstances

rosalynd34 · 23/04/2024 00:03

Reading your first message I would have said what is the harm in meeting and old friend, whether male or female. However going 50 miles out of his way after weeks of contact initiated by him and he doesnt want you reading the messages, just gives a completely different picture.

We are a couple that do a lot together, we use each others phones etc and I would have no problem with my DH meeting up with an old female friend, however in these circumstances I would find it really odd. Its not just a random hi on social media followed by a meet up nearby, its a long way out of his way and he actively sought her out. I mean honestly what man remembers a phone number for 20 years of just a friend?

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 00:05

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:02

There’s a bunch of old
numbers and address people remember from before mobiles.

i can remember my childhood best mates, house phone off by heart still

is there anything else that’s pricking your sense as to why this is making you uncomfortable because generally we don’t assume bad faith from people we trust and have no second thoughts about.

Show quote history

Because it is so out of character for him. We talk about everything or I thought we did. I can't understand why he's kept it from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 00:07

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 00:03

so, this old friend, he has not seen in 20 years and as far as you are aware he's not mentioned her, she's not on his facebook, he just happened to remember her number, rang her and said 'hi its xxx fancy a coffee and a catch up?'

i'd need a bit more information before i decided if i was ok with this or not.. i'd have no issue with my hubby meeting a female for lunch or a coffee, but not under these circumstances

That's all the information I can give you. He's not on socials. You seem as surprised and confused as me!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 23/04/2024 00:07

The only mobile numbers I remember from that long ago is for a man I was seeing and I used to have to type his number in a couple of times a day for a number of years. There was no automatic redial then. I don't remember the numbers for any of my friends.

The fact he has been in touch with her for a while without telling you and won't show you any messages is very very concerning.

I doubt that she was just a friend years ago. She must've been a girlfriend. There's no way he'd remember her number otherwise. I think there's no way he would've been interested in meeting her either unless he felt more than a friendship.