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Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Janetime · 23/04/2024 08:41

In my experience people planning on an affair lie and hide. At this stage he is meeting an old friend and was honest about it. Uou sound jealous and insecure and I’m concerned about your statement of you do everything together, like he’s not allowed to do other stuff.

TrueMonday · 23/04/2024 08:45

@BirdieMK3 you need to find out if she is indeed an old friend or if that's a story he's telling you. The best way of dealing with this is to invite her over for a meal - that's what friends do, after all. You have explained how your relationship is - that you do stuff together. That's absolutely fine and suggests that you have friends together rather than separate. Plenty of people do this. Plenty of people don't like going out with 'the girls' or 'the lads' for instance. Don't let other mean posters here bully you into thinking you are in a 'suffocating' relationship. Anyway, suggest she comes over for dinner and watch his reaction.

stairgates · 23/04/2024 08:49

He may be a bit nostalgic for his younger life and wanted to get back in touch with his old friends, has he contacted any others or ask him if he wants help searching them up on facebook or similar, it all could have been triggered by an old song or similar.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 23/04/2024 08:51

What the hell is he playing at?! This is crazy behaviour. I feel really sad for you. Why is he being so disrespectful?! It’s like he wants you to kick him out or something. Invite his mum round and bring it up in front of her. Disrespectful bastard doing that to you. If it was a friend he’d be more open. Blatantly dodgey and he’s being cocky too. Don’t do anything for him! No tea, washing, nothing. Your poor son though. Not nice for him to be in the middle of it all.

Bookworm1111 · 23/04/2024 08:51

MsRosley · 23/04/2024 08:34

Your dad had an affair because he was bored ???

Show quote history

That’s what he told my mum when she found out. I was a kid at the time and only found out as a young adult. He got bored because they married and had us young, at 21. Shameful excuse! Affair was in his thirties. They got through it - they’re now in their seventies.

burnttoad · 23/04/2024 08:53

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

Well yes. Generally we run it past our significant others if it falls on a weekend as we assume we will be doing something together.
He clearly wasn't asking permission as he went

StMarieforme · 23/04/2024 08:53

Yes that's utterly ridiculous.

He's gaslighting you by saying she's just an old friend. If he hasn't slept with her, he wants to.

A female friend that is part of life generally as a hobby or whatever, fine. Actively seeking someone out after 29 years and arranging a lunch date? Not fine imo.

burnttoad · 23/04/2024 08:56

@beAsensible1 meeting up is not cringe. Hiding messages, not answering questions, being all elusive, not introducing this friend to your partner. This is all very suspicious. .

whoneedssixteen · 23/04/2024 09:00

OP just be wary of the posters who love to whip up a drama. MN is entertainment - many posters post when they're bored and love the soap opera type threads. But it's your life and your relationship.

Redcarsontv · 23/04/2024 09:02

Very odd tbh. Although I do remember my ex DP mobile number from thirty years ago and I still have the same number from when we were together but I wouldn’t be meeting up with him.

MummyJ36 · 23/04/2024 09:04

Our instincts exist for a reason. You must listen to your gut.

I’d be very upset about this OP and I absolutely would not accept his “no answer”’policy on what they discussed and if they are going to meet up again. If it was a genuinely casual meeting it wouldn’t have taken place 50 miles away, nor would he be shifty and mute about why and what they were meeting up about.

mewkins · 23/04/2024 09:07

Banana1979 · 22/04/2024 23:56

She’s not a friend if they haven’t conversated in over 20 years, esp as he has never mentioned her -she is someone he used to know- big difference
if she is such a great friend, then I would expect to be invited to meet her at some point
He was wrong for doing this , it’s good that he told you and didn’t hide anything though, but you could’ve gone out about it. A bit better -could have invited her round instead ect
why would he suddenly remember her now though? That’s a bit weird.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree - of course okay to meet a friend for lunch but someone you haven't seen in 20 years is not a friend. Also, why wait until the day before to mention it?

TrueMonday · 23/04/2024 09:17

I also wondered about him waiting until the day back from holiday before mentioning it. Is there any significance to this (beyond procrastinating about telling his wife of course)?

rainbowstardrops · 23/04/2024 09:21

From your original post, I'd have said it's fine. It's just an old friend who's visiting the area or whatever.

BUT, he instigated the messages but didn't tell you, let alone mention this friend in the last 20 years.

He remembered her number ... hmm maybe I suppose but I imagine there are very few people who still have the same mobile number over 20 years later. What a coincidence that she does!

He's refusing to show you the messages. If he's the decent homebody guy that you thought he was then why wouldn't he show you? And to travel 50 miles the day after you've got back from holiday?

He's being coy/evasive about what they talked about/if they're meeting up again.

Nah, I smell a rat OP

pontipinemum · 23/04/2024 09:21

It doesn't quite add up. Remembering her number, getting in contact after 20 years, keeping it a secret.... it's all a bit much.

If DH bumped into an old female school friend and arranged to meet for lunch, ya fine. Have fun reminiscing.

'Remembering' her number and starting a conversation after all that time, then driving 50 miles to meet her. Yes I would be a bit worried.

I do still talk to a male friend I haven't seen in nearly 20 years, mainly through snap chat and DH knows about it (I often show him the pics because they are interesting)

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 09:25

SabreIsMyFave · 23/04/2024 00:16

Posters pretending they wouldn't care if their husband went to see another woman that they didn't know, (for one to one meet-ups that excluded her,) are the ones that are 'cringe.'

.

Edited
Show quote history

This is just silly. I genuinely wouldn't mind DP meeting up one to one with women that I don't know, like work friends or friends from school. It's not "cringe" to say this. I guess for me it's that I trust my DP, but at the same time, if the only thing standing between him leaving me for someone else simply is the lack of opportunity then I'd rather him just run off with someone else and leave me to find someone who actually wants to be with me. I'm not interested in a relationship in which we're only together because of really carefully orchestrating our social lives so that we're never socialising alone with someone from the opposite sex. I don't want to just be the token woman in his life, I want a partner who chooses to be with me.

But this isn't the OP's situation. This woman has never been mentioned, the messages are secret, and he's being cagey about answering her normal questions. If this were a platonic female friend of mine I'd tell DP about the contact, say I was thinking of meeting up, and then not spring the meet up last minute. All of these things are what makes the situation suspicious.

OP he needs to understand that his behaviour isn't normal and answer your questions. If it's innocent then it shouldn't be hard to show that. The hiding messages sounds like he has something to hide, even if it's just over familiarity.

a222 · 23/04/2024 09:26

Zanatdy · 23/04/2024 04:51

Perhaps he spoke to her for a few weeks without saying anything as he knew his wife would react like she has. Not saying it’s unreasonable to act like OP has, and plenty of people would feel the same. But he’s told you he’s meeting her, he could have just as easily told you he’s going to meet an old male friend, so perhaps there’s nothing in it at this point. I do think she’s probably an ex and yes it is a bit disrespectful to meet an ex partner when you’re in a relationship. I’m single now, but my ex partner had nearly all female friends. That’s just the type of person he was and he met female friends for lunch most months. I wasn’t a cool wife, I never ever felt jealous as I knew they were genuinely friends, mainly ex work colleagues. He would have 100% been jealous if it was me though, as he never trusted me even though I never cheated on him during our relationship (we had 2 children together. I dated someone else who was like that too, but sounds like your DH doesn’t have lots of female friends he meets up with and this is left field.

Sorry off tangent there but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion he’s going to run off with this woman. Sit down with him and have an honest conversation what led to him contacting her. Don’t go in all guns blazing. Sounds like you could both do with some hobbies / time spent with other people from your comment that he never does that.

‘wife would react like she has’

what? reacted perfectly reasonably as her DH is suddenly swanning off 50 miles away to meet a random woman she’s not permitted to even know what they’re talking about on a daily basis.

woah, and gold stars for you not caring about your ex taking you for a mug. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

susiemamma · 23/04/2024 09:28

Could this be someone he met while you were on holiday? Exchanged numbers and agree to meet? 20 year friendship that you know nothing about is bollocks.

StrawberryWater · 23/04/2024 09:31

The fact he's trying to hide it and not being honest would not sit right with me.

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 09:33

RollyPol · 23/04/2024 08:34

No, you have not over-reacted. A married man has no business meeting with an old female friend deliberately. If they ran into each other by chance, a quick coffee - fine. But to set up a meeting? Married people have no business having friends of the opposite sex, this is trouble and not necessarily in the sense that they will have sex or anything of the sort - it means you are not enough. Some people say you have to set your boundaries - I disagree. If you have to explain to a husband that it is not on to have meetings with a member of the opposite sex, this is no marriage. All that bull about men and women being friends. Ignore biology at your own peril and then spend years de-transitioning back to your own marriage through counselling, family therapy like we read on other threads.

Edited

So are bisexual people forced to choose between friendship and marriage, going by your system?

Notamum12345577 · 23/04/2024 09:33

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Your last line is very generalised. I’m male, I have female friends I bother with that I don’t fancy. However, I don’t believe someone married should meet up with someone of the opposite sex one on one, it’s not something I do.

Mrsknowitall · 23/04/2024 09:34

After 20 years she still has the same number 🤔 I’m with you op I would be angry and upset too, how would he feel if the boot was on the other foot?

MustBeNapTime · 23/04/2024 09:36

I wouldn't have a problem with my husband meeting up with an old friend. However, I would want an honest answer as to why he felt the need to get back in contact with her and I would want to see the messages. If he wouldn't show me immediately then I would know there was something amiss and this wasn't an innocent catching up of old friends.

Cluborange666 · 23/04/2024 09:38

So why didn’t he invite her to meet up with both of you? Why wasn’t she mentioned before this? It’s definitely suspicious. I have male friends (who I knew before DH came along) and now I socialise with them with my husband and their girlfriends/wives. My male friends have become DH’s friends etc. That, to me, is normal. How your husband has acted is not normal.
Have you seen any pictures of her? I think men often have a ‘type’ and you might be able to see if you think he’d be attracted to her or not.

RollyPol · 23/04/2024 09:38

Typo

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