My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Maybe he's having a mid life crisis? It's upsetting that he instigated so much, if the reconnection was more natural I wouldn't he as concerned.

Obviously, this is totally weird

He somehow remembered her phone number after 20 years, although he sometimes forgets pin numbers

He contacted her out of the blue and won't let OP see the messages

Chatted for some weeks without mentioning the chats to anyone bearing in mind the marriage is a 'home birdy and talking about everything' type of marriage

Then, he travelled 50 miles to meet her

Seriously.....how is ANY of the above normal and ok for this marriage?

OP - you need answers. Him not telling you anything is completely unacceptable

Can you get into his phone?

See, I have massive double standards about this.

My husband does have a couple of female friends from his past he sometimes meets up with, and I absolutely hate it - it has been the cause of many arguments. I don't think he is actually sleeping with them, but I do think he fancies one of them, and enjoys the fact the other one fancies him, and basically the whole things just makes me massively jealous and has been the cause of many an argument.

However, I know that I have male friends from my past I could meet up with for purely platonic reasons with no sexual interest on my side!

So I know it's hypocritical. But these are my honest feelings.

OP, I do think it would be controlling of you to try to stop him - imagine it the other way round - a woman tells her husband she is meeting a male friend and he orders her not to ....

BUT I also absolutely understand your unease about this yes. All you can do is keep an eye I think, and see if anything else changes. At least he did tell you about it and not just go behind your back.....

And the "cool wives" thing - it's a bit silly to call somebody names just because they take a different approach to your own..... Almost as if you think your own views are the only acceptable ones.

Very weird. I would not be happy. I would not trust his story whatsoever. Is she from his home town or something?

I do think you have a problem here. Four things leap out for me.

• contact made by him but kept secret
• the fact he will not let you see this contact
• his refusal to think again about the meet up despite your clear concerns and distress
• his refusal to answer your questions or to say he won’t meet her again

@BirdieMK3 this is an awful time for you. Whatever he is getting from this growing contact with her is of more value to him than helping you feel safe. That is not a good place to be in.

You are trying your best to lay down your line in the sand and he is telling you by his actions he does not care.

You are not to blame for this and while some posters here might be ‘suffocated’ by partnerships where you just enjoy being together as a family not everyone feels like that.

He is riding rough shod across your boundaries and that for me is NEVER a good sign. Your boundaries are yours for your relationship and it matters not whether other people would be fine with it, it matters whether YOU ARE.

I know that this is not an easy thread for you to read but knowledge is power so I hope you’re still reading. There is a book called not just friends by Shirley glass which really talks about this sort of dynamic and it might be worth you taking a look.

It might be worth getting yourself on surviving infidelity as they do have a strategy for trying to emotionally distance yourself when your partner does this called the 180, which may help you see more clearly.

Your close family unit and the fact you have always loved just being together is not the reason he has decided to disregard your boundaries. What you do need to understand is why?

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this 💐

Brilliant post @Usernamechange1234 👏

It’s as bad as ‘ignore all the posters OP’ as if only their advice is valid!

Oh this is such bollocks. I am the woman in OPs post ( not literally but same situation). Met up with old uni male friend. He travelled much further than 50 miles to meet me for a day out. Shock horror! Since getting back in touch we’ve met every year, once a year. Nothing more. We were mates at uni. Friends now. Never hint of anything more on either side.
Sorry that every man you’ve ever met is such a misogynist shit that they only see women as fucks.

Why can you not socialise alone with friends of opposite sex. One of my best mates is a guy and has met a wonderful girlfriend and she has no problems us meeting up alone to catch up. They trust each other.

But OP when I read your first post I thought it was fine but the next posts make it so wierd. Had they always been in touch then fine but his story is so wierd. Is it even an old friend or could he have met someone randomly.

Have you ever heard him talk about this woman before? My partner has a female best friend from uni he hasn't had contact with for ten years so if he decided he was going to meet up with her suddenly I wouldn't be too upset. However, if I had never heard of her I would be suspicious. Also the fact he didn't tell you he was messaging this woman is strange. It's normal to mention things like that to your partner especially if you are messaging someone of the opposite sex.

Seriously- the OP posted because she is really upset about a situation that is happening now. What she doesn’t need is barbed comments about how her marriage works. Surely you can see that? Nobody would make that comment face to face with someone who was upset and asking for advice, would they?

And neither of us would be socialising one to one with one of our friends of the opposite sex and excluding our spouse. Married people don't do that

Of course they do! I’ve always done that. Always had male friends. Had them before my H, continued to see them one to one during my marriage. I’ve even made new male friends during my marriage who I have seen one to one. I’m still me and I don’t always come as a couple.

I have no idea if OPs H is up to something or not, but some of the comments on here about how men never have platonic female friends and married people just don’t see opposite friends alone are just ridiculous. Neither of these suggest relationships with men who actually see women as equal human beings

Of course there is something going on and his doing it right under your nose !! These women are never old and fat are they. Funny that 🙄🙄

I was thinking you were being a bit unreasonable whilst reading your first post…
but this is just so weird! He remembered her number? He can’t tell you how this happened? and it’s out of character? I would be upset as well.

and even if everything he said was true and this is completely innocent:

he could have cancelled, he could have invited you to go with him (wouldn’t it be a lovely opportunity for his wife to meet this old friend) or he could have at least tried to understand your feelings. But he didn’t do any of those things.

When somebody stops trying to understand their spouse and (apparently) doesn’t care that he’s causing major distress? That’s a major red flag.

and I would be upset as well.

I unfortunately do not have constructive advice. But do not let him tell you that you’re being unreasonable!

The problem, I think, with reconnecting with old flames (which I’m assuming she is because he won’t show you the messages) from the past, is that they remind us of how we were then. He’s now 20 years younger in his head, and that’s powerful.

Except he isn’t. He’s a married man with a child.

I agree with you.
My husband would be really pleased to be meeting up with an old friend and would be chatting about it from the first re-contact. He would be familiarising me with her a little bit before the meet up and he would want me to go along to meet her too if possible.
So I’d be a bit shocked and suspicious if it came out of the blue as you described, especially when he’s had all holiday to be up-front and chatting about it. Keeping you in the dark all this time is odd.
Maybe he’s planning a reunion of his old mates or something like that …. But again, why wouldn’t he just say so and why wouldn’t he include you in the planning a little but.
I would have to insist on a proper conversation about this OP. It’s quite odd.
Good luck !

"No other friends or activities? Who decided that?". Your questions don't sound interrogative to you? Like a cop grilling a suspect on the dynamics of their marriage, which have no bearing on the OPs post whatsoever, and has no helpful intent.

The first thing I’d want to know is exactly what prompted him to track her down. Then, as it was obviously quite a big deal to him (who does that?) why he wasn’t excited to tell you about it.

Being secretive in the build up to the lunch was bad enough. Refusing to tell you how it went is just telling you that what goes on between them is private. Actually going to meet her after you’d told him how you felt about it just says this rekindled “friendship “ is more important than your feelings.

If all was innocent he could’ve reassured you, let you see the messages as a one off in this very unusual situation. Arranged an alternative date when you could go with him, do something on your own while they caught up then joined them for coffee before heading home together.

It doesn’t bode well. Even if it turns out to be innocent you now know there’s an element of secrecy in your relationship that you didn’t know existed. I’d be sad about that.

That sounds suffocating. I wouldn’t ask my DH permission to go for lunch with an old friend, male or female.

What about those of us who aren't pretending, because we actually have lives separate from our husbands? Whose husbands gasp also don't mind when their wives meet up with male friends on their own?

In this situation there are a few weirdnesses that would make me wonder, like how the hell he remembered her number, and the fact that this couple seem to live in each other's pockets, but in my house this conversation would go:
H: "I'm going to see an old friend from school today"
Me: "ok, anyone I know?"
H: "nah, it was a long time ago"
Me: "ok, any idea what time you'll be home?"
H: "Yeah, in time for dinner"
Me: "ok, have fun!"

I consider the possessiveness of many women on Mumsnet mind boggling. Where do you all get the energy?

Everyone saying the OP is suffocating really are not helping. His behaviour is not normal for their relationship. His acting out of character is a red flag, not their general relationship.

I have been the wife in this situation. I was definitely the Cool Wife and it is irritating to think how naive I was. He ended up having at least two affairs and is now an ex. His current GF is actually a different Old Friend from college days 30 years ago!

In my long marriage I was twice contacted out of the blue by old boyfriends. Years and years after we had last had contact. Both married and both started with messaging ‘How are you? just thought of you!’ After a bit of small talk they both asked for photos or a meet up and one starting trying to reminisce about our sexy life of two decades ago 🙄 .

In my experience then men who want to cheat but are a bit shy or lazy will start with women they already know. Doesn’t mean yours is the same but you are right to worry. If he wants to see her again I would be insisting she comes to visit you both. Depends if you want to keep him.

From the OP
*BirdieMK3 · Yesterday 23:54

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.*

@CallItLoneliness

Ah come on! Be fair! I'm one of those that get called a 'cool wife' from the usual MN brigade! The majority of my friends are men, I work with all men and I couldn't give a shit that a lot of my husbands friends are women.

That's normal, for us!

However, this isn't a mate is it? The bloke says not one word of recollection regarding this long lost friend of his, he doesn't tell his wife that he's been catching up with this old friend by messaging and then goes off and meets her without a backward glance! He won't tell her anything about this woman except he's off to meet her! That's not a friend, that's a secret!

Exactly

Jeez.....the marriage of the OP is as it is

READ how out of character EVRYTHING is

Dont compare her marriage with YOUR marriage....its not about being cool or being boring or being suffocating

Compare the facts with what is NORMAL FOR THE OP's MARRIAGE

I'm really really surprised that some of you seem to be unable to undertake simple comprehension from basic facts